I don't care...14 year old boy....argh, advice please

[Brusselsprout100]

Yesterday, my eldest son turned 14. I also found out he'd skipped a class - not the first time, it seems, and over the past couple of weeks, we've had our suspicions confirmed about smoking and smoking pot. He's adept at telling lies and of course, he is confrontational and aggressive when asked even the mildest kind of question.

He's never been the easiest of children, but he is sweet, funny, witty, very intelligent (not in maths, but verbal/language IQ is off the charts). He's had behavioural issues through school, has concentration issues and is going through neurological testing for ADD.

Yesterday, I asked him why he kept telling lies like about skipping class, and he told me, "I just don't care". Which really frightened me.

He set off to school today excited because he was due to go on a class trip for the weekend to Amsterdam. The coach left school (we live in Brussels, no we're not eurocrats), and I received a call at lunch time from the teacher saying he'd been caught with a spliff and was being sent back home.

I met him off the train, took him home and now I'm sitting here watching him and thinking, ok, what next?

Practical stuff, like we're going to get him fully checked out by the pediatric neurologist, we're going to get him counselling, and if necessary, we'll do family counselling. He's not allowed on Facebook at the moment, fortunately, the holidays are coming up and all the usual activities are suspended. He doesn't have a mobile - was going to get one for his birthday if he stayed out of trouble at school, but he was hauled in for swearing at a fellow student and then there was a big confused story about him wrecking another student's USB keys. So no phone this time.

Any advice?

A couple of thoughts (not sure how much use they are).

First of all, what on earth was the school thinking taking teenagers to Amsterdam the home of the splif. I grew up in Brussels and the annual trip to Amsterdam to wander around the red light disctrict and try smoking dope was the highlight of the year for most of the 8th & 9th grade boys. He wasn't the first and he won't be the last so for this one I wouldn't be too hard on him.

NOT that I condone smoking dope. Never done it myself. Don't like it (I live in Holland) and think it is a monumentally stupid thing to get involved with but as with all things, whatever we're told not to do we want to do more. How you get the balance right I'm not sure.

As for the rest, I think conselling would be great but the problem is it only works if the person is willing to a) talk and b) think deeply about how they feel. In my experience most 14 year old boys aren't keen on either.

He sounds (from his comments about school) that he just isn't interested in the standard academic stuff; assuming he means that rather than he's just being a teenage drama queen and saying whatever he thinks will push your buttons... You say he smart and really good verbally, so is there something that does interest him? sport, drama, anything extracurricular that will make him feel happier about his lot? If he's happier with himself the rest my just go away and if nothing else he might be more amenable to talking to someone about whatever is bothering him and making him lash out.

Reading back I am not sure that was any help at all, but you do have my sympathy.

I'm in a similar situation with my DS, also 14 and I know it's only a matter of time before he manages to get hold of some weed. That doesn't worry me too much, it's the other stuff. We've been through family therapy, counselling, psychotherapy, etc. but he just seems to be on a downward spiral and he has shut us out of his life. He has a psychiatric assessment coming up and hoping this might shed some light. Everyone who meets him for the first time thinks his behaviour is just an extreme version of normal teen dramas, but we've seen the thread from when he was a toddler. He leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. I met a woman recently who hasn't spoken to her son for 4 years (he's 23) and she said "whatever you do, keep the channels of communication open" It really shocked me, hearing her situation, and I am so afraid that ours could go the same way. I used to get very angry when he swore at me, but have decided I can cope with being the verbal punchbag, and just ignore it, as long as it's in private. I have also had lots of encouraging stories from parents who have been through hell and now DS has 'just graduated' or other achievement or sign of happiness/stability. I just want to keep mine out of prison!

I'm hoping we're not at the prison stage... I just read a book called Teenagers by Rob Parsons which certainly helped me calm down and take a step back.

It's tough, but we have to be strong, show them we love them but that there are lines and boundaries, we have to be patient, and pretty much repeat that whole thing - show them that you care, give them time, be firm about the boundaries that matter and be calm when the inevitable rants occur.

Argh.