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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD total inability to make decisions making life really hard - anyone experienced this?

4 replies

HelpHer · 06/04/2011 11:00

Thank you in advance for anyone who is able to reply.

Our DD is wonderful in so many ways and yet is a typical teen apart from this one problem which has been there from very young and now is really hindering her. In the early years I tried to let her expeerience the ability to work it out for herself. After some time (months) I realised that giving her options is not an option as it just is not possible for her to make a decision in lots of situations.

We have now reached the point where it is a real problem in regards to homework. She is totally totally unable to make decisions unless it is black and white. EG she gets over the problem fairly reasonably in maths by sorting out the problem because she has few options, However, in creative things including English, she is totally totally at a loss. Try to keep this brief. I am wondering if this is some form of behavioural disorder?!! For example having to write a letter or a story or decide what happens next she cannot make a decision. If in school she gets into trouble because she either cannot start or because she cannot stop! By unable to stop I mean she finally manages to get her thoughts together to the point where she can write and then has so many ideas that she runs out of time to put them all down. Like the teachers say this is going to be a real problem in exams.

Has anyone experienced this? Has anyone got over this? Thank you for reading all this!

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Marne · 06/04/2011 11:12

Mt step dd is very similar, she's 12 and can never make a desision (even when it comes down to deciding what to have in a sandwich), also i have a dd1 who is 7 with a diagnosis of Aspergers who also cant make decisions and offten struggles to write things down as she has to many ideas in her head at once, at the moment i reffuse to do home work (luckily she's only 7 and not getting ready for exams for a long time), its so frustrating trying to do work with her as she can never pick an answer or make a choice.

cyrilsneer · 06/04/2011 13:41

How old is she?

I'm no expert (on anything, really!) but here are my thoughts:

I must admit that my first thought was that maybe she's got a dash of Aspergers... As well as the people who have a significant enough situation to warrant a proper diagnosis, I believe that lots of people have a little dash or Aspergers. Not enough to get flagged up or warrant a diganosis or any professional attention, but enough to give them a few quirks that make some things more of a challenge for them than others.

My DD has always found it impossible to make a decision about anything. I have often wanted to top myself waiting for her to tie herself in knots wrangling with the pros and cons of stupid unimportant decisions. It's like she can only cope with "the perfect solution". The "it''s good enough and it'll have to do" option doesn't even come into it. When she can't achieve the perfect way ahead and there is only compromise (ie, in the real world) it's like she's paralysed by her own perfectionism. I have lost count of the times I've rolled my eyes and had to count to ten while she's agonising over some (trivial) choice or another. When I cannot stand the dithering and vascilating any longer I have been known to say "For Christsake, you're choosing a sandwich/ library book/ pair of knickers/ whatever - not a husband!".

Secondly, I do think they can grow out of these phases... My DD is now 17 and is DEFINITELY getting better, the older she gets. I think that (for children like this) when they're little, everything is decided for them. When they're growing up, they are forced to make decisions and it's difficult and uncomfortable. As they get older though, they've got more used to it and it starts to become a bit easier. They start to realise that you can make an imperfect decision and it's still ok... life continues. But this only comes with time and experience. However much we tell them that anything is ok, I don't think they "get it" until they've learned it for themselves.

As concerns school, hopefully, your daughter, going forward, will be able to choose subjects that don't require her to "write stories". This is the worst possible thing that you can ask my daughter to do. Hopefully, when she is making her options for GCSEs and certainly at A level, she'll be able to choose the subjects that are blissfully straight-forward for her. My daughter's doing Maths and Sciences for A'Levels and it's a thing of joy, never having to write an essay again.

As concerns English GCSE though (if she's not done it yet - I don't know how old she is) don't worry TOO much... English Language is quite structured and analytical and there isn't TOO much creative writing these days and as concerns the English Literature, she can approach analysing the set texts in a scientific and methodical way. My DD, despite HATING and LOATHING English, did very well in both at GCSE. Even so, she was positively euphoric about dropping them.

Finally, I'd advise you to continue to give her options, to keep things going, but lots of silly little things that don't matter, and perhaps just two alternatives rather than unlimited possibilities:

Do you fancy spag bol or spag carbonara for supper?
Shall we get this one out on DVD or that one?
Do you want to go walk the dog and then have a coffee or shall we have our coffee first and then walk him?
etc

Hope this helps a little (probably not - as I say, I'm no expert). Good luck.

tokenwoman · 06/04/2011 18:09

I echo the above
i have maths genuis who is incapable of writing creatively but ace in exams A in e literature C in e language A everywhere in maths and science even french currently studying maths and computer at uni first year
i have a creative dyslexic who cant write fast enough or in a readable form and totally crap at exams and crap at maths and science doing btec in business, retail and a level in media
Aspergers is in the family genes as is dyslexic gene maybe she just has a logic brain or is totally brilliant with ideas that her head is over whelmed
they taught my maths genuis to approach english with a template which helpped, they reconised he had a scientist head and therefore the creative english had to be to a set formula
the creative one just had to slow down and is better at course work rather than exams although he got a A in as media coursework but a d in the exams which meant he got overall a C which was briliant for him
both were overjoyed at dropping english as a subject - the genuis and the creative both got C at e language

HelpHer · 06/04/2011 20:44

Thank you so much for all your replies, for taking the time to go over your situation too.

I too think that everyone can have a bit of things like aspergers or autisum or OCD. I don't think it is really an issue for DD (she's 12) but my reason for posting here was that I have started to wonder if there is any chance that as a parent I am burying my head in the sand and especially as it is becoming more of an major problem now. I think I will go back to giving her choices to decide upon again and leave it until she makes an decision no matter how agonising it is for ME! It is really good to read what you have to say about GCSE and A level work and I think I may well have to steer her in the direction of subjects that are more suited to her way of tackling things.

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