My first time on mumsnet, My 12yr daughter seems to have lost respect for me

[trigaer]

I am a lone parent and my daughter stays with her dad every other weekend, he has never treated me with any respect, we broke up whilst i was pregnant and i feel he will never forgive me for that. I have always had a good relationship with my daughter but more and more we keep falling out, I get filthy looks and bad attitude and I just get so upset and angry and end up regretting what I say to her. Sometimes she goes to bed without saying good night or goes to school without saying good buy. I also worry that she has lost her confidence and even though she is beautiful she feels she is ugly and has no friends. She has a couple of friends at school but they never want to meet outside of school. She used to be very popular but since secondary school she tells me no one wants to be friends with her. I just feel if anyone could give me any advise on how to help her and for us to get alone at home together, I feel I am not coping well with this situation, can anyone help?

Someone with teenagers will be along soon to give you some advice, but I just wanted to say that she will be giving you the filthy looks and the bad attitude because she KNOWS you love her - you're the safest person to take her feelings out on.

Unless she's explicitly said so, I wouldn't assume that the way she treats you has anything to do with her dad's feelings about you. How does she get on with her dad? 12 can be an awkward age with dads and daughters, and it can be magnified when they kind of have to spend time together because they live separately IYSWIM.

One of my friends found that she could talk to her exH's partner quite well about her teenage son. They both had his interests at heart and didn't have the same personal animosity as friend and her exH. Would that be an option for you?

Sounds like you are loosing confidence in yourself. It must be doubly hard being a lone parent . My daughter is nearly 13 and also says these things , storms off, says I embaress her, its just her age! Every so often the armour comes down and you get a chance to regain your little girl, tell her you still love her and will be there for her if she wants to talk about friends etc .Friends become v important at this age.I always say goodbye to her even if all I get is a grunt! Try to hug her etc..
You are a good Mum otherwise you wouldn't be bothered to contact this site for support. Support you should get from the expartner. Some comfort they always seem do to this to those they love most..weird I know..

ps it might be worth having a chat with your DD's form tutor or another teacher she likes - my friend teaches secondary school and doesn't have kids herself yet but really "gets" teenagers and a lot of parents come to her for advice. Or if she does any clubs or activities, the teachers/leaders there are often really good at the pastoral care and can give you some tips for getting along together.

This is a difficult age without the added issue your relationship with her dad... what you describe sounds quite normal for an almost teen girl - they go through the beginnings of all the hormonal 'stuff' which makes them very hard to live under good circumstances..

You'll need to learn to roll with it a bit and choose your battles wisely! I find by ignoring the attitude and just responding flatly and calmly works best.

You need to try and find ways to prop up her confidence as her friends group will be all going through this together and girls can be really hurtful to their 'friends'.. some good mummy-daughter time and would be worth it now.

(We ended up doing joint gym sessions which were great fun, even if she was far fitter than me... also karting / movies / shows etc were)

I really appreciate the feed back and what has been said makes sense and I feel I can try and learn to roll with it and try to ignor the attitude. I do worry about her lack of any friends outside of school, she is such a fun girl and even has started to go roller disco on her own on Saturday evenings on the weekends she is with me, she feels there is somthing wrong with her, any advise if there is anything I could do for her to meet and make some new friends?

Hello and welcome to my world. 11 yr DD going on 21 ! My DD acts very similar to yours, too much lip sometimes ! Filthy looks, stropping off upstairs. She has an answer for everything. She's gone from being the sweetest girl to the devil incarnate sometimes

DD sees her dad every 3 weeks or so. I am married and she gets on very well with her Step Dad. Her dad is also married, has 1.5 kids (one due soon) So there is possibily an element of her feeling a little pushed out there. She is the most well behaved young lady for her Dad and a little madam for us. DD and I were always very close, especially as were we on our own for a good few years.

I honestly thinks its just "that age". They are kind of inbetween aren't they, not really little kids, but not teenagers yet. Hormones are kicking in (and then some). She's testing her boundaries again, and we of course we born old and could not possibly understand how they feel. Girls are also becoming more concerned with their looks at this age and compare themselves to everyone. I also think the transition to secondary is difficult for most kids in one way or another

Personally I would be very happy that she has a couple of good friends. I think we all assume our kids need this huge group around them, when actually they just need a couple of mates really. I went through all of High School knowing lots of people but actually only had 2 best mates. I say it shows a strength of character that she does not feel she has to be part of the "group". But if she is feeling left out then I think the clubs idea is a good one, find something she enjoys doing, although drama is especially good for bringing kids out of their shells.

In the morning I consider myself lucky if my DD tells me she's leaving, let alone says goodbye - she's normally out the door so fast I don't realise she's gone (I have to do the same 200 yd walk to my bus as she does to school.............at exactly he same time........... but god forbid she is seen with me - life would just end for her LOL.

But on a serious note - it is really upsetting for me sometimes as well, we were always really close. But now I try to remember what I felt at that age and am sure I was not much different. And when she tells me she hates me, I tell her I love her............. totally throws her !