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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Helping my 15 year old son through our divorce

7 replies

Tokimi08 · 03/04/2011 23:29

At the start of last year my husband of 19 years announced he wasn't happy and said he wanted to separate - wasn't prepared to try counselling. We are now going though divorce and quite out of the blue I have met a wonderful man and I see when I can but would like to live with in the not too distant future. This man does not come to the house and he has no kids but my son a)thinks his dad and I should grow up and sort it out and b) if this man ever comes to this house he is moving out.I have agreed that until his GCSEs are over this will not be an issue but I feel that I will have to make a choice at some stage and that either way I will lose one of them.Worst of all I know how much pain my son is feeling as my parents too split when I was in my teens but I can't help feel that I am being emotionally blackmailed. I don't know how to help his pain without sacrificing my happiness. Has anyone else had to cope with teenagers not coping with a break up? Any tips please!

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 04/04/2011 13:56

Hmm, as your son will presumably be off to Uni in 3 years, could you not keep your relationship with your new man on a dating basis for a while?

Original poster
Tokimi08 · 04/04/2011 18:44

I think three years would be pushing it a bit! We are after all rather middle-aged! I take your point though but I guess my son will have the option to live with his Dad. Just don't want to lose him either.

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 04/04/2011 18:56

I guess I'm slightly skewed because a friend of mine has been having various affairs for 15 years, and recently her husband decided he couldn't take any more and has left and gone to live in NZ.

Their 15 year old son, not surprisingly, blames his mum and, to a lesser extent, her current lover for all this and is extremely hostile. The mum and two younger kids are going to live in another county in a few months with the new boyfriend so the poor lad has a choice of living with this complete stranger (and his 13 yr old son), or going half way round the world to live with his dad. My own view in those circs is that the mum should be offering a home to her son for as long as he needs it, but he's not her priority.

I know your circs are completely different, but I still think you kind of have to look at things from your son's perspective. It's so very hard for him to see his parents split up, he's obviously not to blame for any of it, but is being expected to accomodate a huge change which is going to be hard for him, especially with all the other stuff that all teenage boys have to go through as well.

I'm not suggesting that you dump your new man, just take it slow and easy.

Original poster
Tokimi08 · 04/04/2011 21:38

Yes, you're right. The marriage wan't great but now that the family has 'gone' he is grieving it. I suppose in my new idealistic state I am imagining that change although hard is do-able and would be fine because I would make it work because I want it to. I am going to work hard at making my son feel more secure for the time being until he has got used to the idea that things will change before they actually do (if that makes sense). I have a daughter too btw way who is 18 and perfectly relaxed with it all! Thanks for taking the time to comment - much appreciated.

OP posts:
Hengameh · 04/04/2011 22:11

Tok - I was in this situation.

You can put our future life on hold and stop seeing this man....

Your son will waltz off to uni without a backward glance and your house will be very lonely. Your exH will have a new woman before long (because most men appear to roll seamlessly between women)....

...and you will be lonely.

My DD moved out. 6 months later she moved back in. It was incredibly painful for us all and I wish she hadn't but I also think she almost had to, regardless of new man in my life. We had counselling and the counsellor did not suggest I stayed nun like mourning the marriage. She told me and DD that I had little time left to enjoy life and should jolly well get on with it!

Ex moved in with new g/f very quickly and had DC all meeting new g/f and children very rapidly. I had kept new man at arms length and still do. My DD's reaction was about the divorce and new man was just a scape goat for DD to be cross about.

Be considerate but not a doormat

Original poster
Tokimi08 · 07/04/2011 21:21

Thanks - you made a very good point that the divorce is the key thing here. In the long run even young people have to understand the complexities of being 'human' and all that's involved in relationships and then what happens when they break down. We just can't protect our kids from our pain all the time. My new man is making me feel happy, really happy and I think I am a better person than the miserable - wine-drinking, prozac popping person I was when I was married. Ah well, arms length for a bit longer!

OP posts:
Hengameh · 07/04/2011 21:47

I hear you!

I was a miserable stressy shouty mum when married.

Tonight I'm sat in peaceful happiness with DD. She has seen that marriage is not for life which I thought was a terrible lesson to give her but you know.. had my mum given me that lesson I'd have missed out on a 15 miserable years

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