Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

teenager in debt

12 replies

newatallthis · 03/04/2011 19:15

I was hoping for some advice...
I've been guardian to a teenager for 5 years now. (after his mum passed away). This year he started university. The problem is that he has no understanding or respect for money.
He gets his mum's pension which is about £600 a month which is MORE than enough to live on at university (bearing in mind this doesnt include his tuition fees nor his rent).
He's spending more than he has, borrowing from friends and now is in that vicious cycle of owing more than he gets monthly.
I've tried so hard to find strategies to help him out of debt - financial plans etc but the problem is that he refuses to cut down on going out and therefore never sticks to the plan.
I'm at the end of my tether with his attitude towards money and I dont know what to try next. For the past month I've just tried to let him get on with it and sort it out for himself but the lightbulb in his head isnt going off and his situation has become worse. We ended up arguing yesterday when he phoned to say he needed £50 for a compulsory university trip.
Anyone have any ideas what I should be doing?

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 03/04/2011 22:35

For starters, don't give him the £50. And I'd have a word with any older family/friends not to either.

If you've tried and tried to trigger the lightbulb moment and he hasn't had it yet then you will need to wait until he has it himself.

If you give him the money then he'll just never learn the lesson and this one will be a painful one to learn.

This is actually a big fear of mine and the very reason I've started my DD off early on managing her own money. I am praying if she learns good habits now before she can borrow, she won't see the need to when she's older.

Original poster

newatallthis · 03/04/2011 22:50

Thanks so much Niceguy2. Yeah so important to get the good lessons in with your daughter early.
I'm not going to give in for sure but I'm pretty sure he'll just end up in trouble trying to get it some other way. Yesterday he told me he was going to try opening a new bank account to get another over draft! (exasperated!)
Disrespect for money is such a worry.
I guess I just need to stay firm, watch himself get into trouble and hope that he sees the light before it gets too bad. Scary though!

OP posts:

Mum2U · 03/04/2011 23:04

Pay a cheque direct to the trip organisers - that way he gets the trip but not his hands on the money.

It's time he dealt with his own money problems - if he is 18 he is responsible for how he deals with things - yes it's scarey - but there comes a time where we have to let go and let them learn lessons the hard way.

Original poster

newatallthis · 03/04/2011 23:20

Thanks Mum2U. Yup think you're right about letting go.

OP posts:

nottirednow · 04/04/2011 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Niceguy2 · 04/04/2011 11:04

Pay a cheque direct to the trip organisers

Whilst I agree with the sentiment, in practice it just saves him again doesn't it? It doesn't make him face up to the root cause of the problem which is his reckless overspending.

There's probably a deep rooted issue buried deep in there. At a guess, he is spending to compensate for the fact his parents are no longer around and its a substitute for happiness. Ie. whilst he's out partying & buying stuff he's not thinking about it.

But until he has that lightbulb moment, you can't help him. All you can do is be there and help him pick up the pieces the best you can once he does.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 04/04/2011 16:09

He gets £600 a month and is in debt?! My DD1 gets £30 a week for food/bus fares and she has NO debt beyond her student loan.

Stop bailing him out because as long as he is helped he won't change. At some point the friends he has borrowed off will say 'no more' and then he will have to face up to it.

HE needs to speak to the uni people about his trip money.. face up to his problems himself. And with £600 a month coming in he should be able to find amount soon...

I have a son (17) who can't manage money at all and I know how utterly frustrating it is:(

mumeeee · 04/04/2011 19:39

Stop bailing him out. DD2 wasn't very good at budgeting before she went to uni. But when she went we said we would pay her rent and that was all. Everything else she paid for out of her student laon that included stuf for her course, food and going out, She did spend most of her loan and didn't have much left at the end of her first year bit she had no other debt exxept her loan.
She is now in her second year and is sharing a house with freiends, We pay most of her rent but she contributes to this and pays all bills EG electric and water. as well as all other living costs.
She has now got a part time job so she'll be able to pay her own rent over the summer. She3 knows that we will not give her any more money and wouldn't ask for it,

Mum2U · 05/04/2011 08:48

NiceGuy2. The reason I said make a cheque payable to the trip organisers is that

he wont get his hands directly on the money
the trip may exist and be an important part of his course
the trip may not exist and it may be a ruse to get more cash which he wont get if the cheque is made out to someone else.

The rest I said is the very important part

"It's time he dealt with his own money problems - if he is 18 he is responsible for how he deals with things - yes it's scarey - but there comes a time where we have to let go and let them learn lessons the hard way."

savoycabbage · 05/04/2011 08:52

I wouldn't pay for the trip. He will have to get a job or fail that module.

WelshCerys · 05/04/2011 11:01

A thought - been round unis lately with my DS2 and impressed by the amount of support that is available to students. Of course, as your chap is over 18, there may be a limited amount of info anyone at the Uni will give you but you could try - perhaps with his tutor - a welfare service - the SU might have some ideas? Even if you just write a letter for someone to mull over.

Someone, somehow, might be able to speak/work with him to help before his debts get out of hand and before this becomes a way of life.

This must be so frustrating and I agree with an earlier post that says that the loss of his parents may be behind this behaviour - or be contributing to it. Again, at Uni, do the support services know - could they help? I realise that this is a long shot but I do, occasionally, get some sense out of the less legalistic members of staff at DS's sixth form college (he's 19).

Good luck - you're clearly a fantastic guardian to him. Another thought - must the pension be available to him, in full, each month? It's a huge amount for a youngster with no dependents!

Niceguy2 · 06/04/2011 15:30

Mum2U

I understand why you suggested it. But this is where you end up treating the symptom but not curing the disease.

Again what happens is that he's in effect got the money (albeit via cheque), he's lost nothing and hasn't learned a lesson.

I agree he needs to learn the hard way and ultimately that may well involve him losing his uni place.

Flip