Should I say anything?

[petal2008]

Our DS is 14 and an only child. Not by choice but that's another long story. He has seemed ok with this but sometimes comments that he is in a minority at school. We sometimes say "would you have liked a brother/sister but it has always been an emphatic "no - I would have to share etc etc".

We have always done heaps with him and he has a lot of friends at school. He has made noises about having a dog but when I say "ok but you will have to walk it before and after school, feed and water it and pick up it's doo doo out of the garden" he soon loses interest and I know the novelty would soon wear off if we did go ahead and get one.

Anyway, we have reluctantly let him join Facebook (work of the devil in my opinion) but as we live in a village he often doesn't get to see his friends out of school despite us offering to do all the taxiing back and forth. The one rule for allowing him to join was that he used my e.mail address so I could see what was going on although I told him this was to monitor who were his friends not what he said.

Today there have been a few e.mails commenting on his status and saying how they are feeling sorry for him and so on. This got me a bit worried so I have to admit I checked his wall and he had commented that he hated being an only child and didn't even have a pet so when me and DH are both out he is really lonely and bored.

It is not often we are both out as he is only 14 but I went to my mum's this morning and DH went to his. I think he was on his own for about an hour or so.

Now I feel really awful. I cannot do anything about a sibling but wonder if I should relent and get a pet. My gut feeling is that he will lose interest and then go off to uni leaving it with us and tbh I'm not a big animal lover.

Do you think I should try to find out if he is really lonely or whether this is just facebook talk? (obviously not telling him about reading his comments).

I think he needs to make more effort to see his mates and to invite them over or we will take him anywhere but he always says they are busy. I am dreading Easter hols as I know he will be sitting around and I am about to have an op so will be housebound for a lot of it.

think he might be wanting the best of both worlds sympathy wise....

he is telling you one thing yet telling his friends another...

maybe he wants his friends to feel sorry for him and will use anything to achieve this.....

i think it is fas....facebook attention syndrome

Why not try 'borrowing' a pet for a while?

You could offer to look after a pet for someone who is off on holiday - maybe over Easter or summer break. You'd have a chance to see what (if anything), it adds to your family life. You'd also have a chance to observe how your ds interacts and takes care of it (or if the novelty wears off a bit too quickly, and it ends up being another thing for you/dh to look after).

Maybe a test run exercise?

Thanks both.

Doormat: think you are right. I think he's a bit reluctant to ask people over or to invite himself as he is afraid that they will say they are already doing something. Maybe he's been knocked back before and this is a subtle way of getting an invite.

Earlybird: Good idea. My DB has a couple of dogs so will ask him what he thinks. I know my nephew was all for wanting one and now my DB and SIL do all the looking after so will probably guess what his reaction will be!!

A dog is a dog, not a substitute for a brother or sister. If you take on an animal, be clear that it is you that is signing yourself up for a long term commitment. If you're not keen on animals, this may not be a good choice.

I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to be monitoring his Facebook in this way. Teenagers post all sorts of stuff on Facebook that doesn't mean anything very much in real life. Maybe he's just enjoying a bit of attention?

Is he busy with lots of sports/ music/ drama/ DofE etc?

Your ds sounds a lot like mine, also an only now (our eldest died aged 7), and we also live in a village, so I do know exactly where you're coming from.

I know my ds would love to have a brother or two but he doesn't say so often as he knows there's no point.

I think the idea of borrowing a dog for a couple of weeks is excellent.

Had you thought about a pet that did not require as much care as a dog, but was still interresting? Rats apparently make excellent pets, and we own a pair of degus (kind of similar) that are intelligent and interesting. Have to sometimes nag to get them cleaned out though (dd is 13).

Just because he's had a little moan doesn't mean that being an Only child is the dominant thing in his life; just something he needs to process. Honestly, there are plenty of days when each of my 4 DC wish they were onlys (and so do I, sigh).

Another vote for Cinnamon Trust, there is a lot of scope out there for fostering pets. We are trying to set something like that up with a workmate of DH's dog (during the day when he's at work). A trio of Rats would be terrific pets for a responsible 14yo, too.

Thanks for all your advice. I've never heard of Cinnamon Trust so will check that out. Hopefully I over reacted to his comments and have vowed to keep off his wall from now on. I was one of 4 and often wished I was an only but didn't really mean it. Two of my DBs have one of each and all they seem to do is argue with each other with my DB and SIL shouting all day so at least we don't get that stress!

He sounds like he's just having a bit of drama and sympathy from his mates. Leaving a 14 year old in the house for an hour isn't a problem - I leave my 12 year olds for a few hours. He's just having a moan.