help -pre teen...

[dangbody]

Please help - my pre teen loves horses and we loan one at great expense and two jobs for me as it seemed a good idea to have her in fresh air all weekend and a day a week after school.The problems seems to be arising is that the stables is quite a harsh competative enviroment and some of the girls verbally threaten each other - other parents think verbal is fine so long as dont hit - i dont- and speak and behave in ways that is not acceptable on our household eg siblings there hit each other.it does seem to be partly the stable culture and i think its the best around as has been similar at others.I constantly have to support my daughter to try not to behave like the satble culture and she upsets her siblings when she comes home.one says he feels has lost his sister.i do recognise that we cant protect or wrap in cotton wool but as peers are v imp at this age i have to admit that i wish it was a different enviroment.i do know you have to be tough to some extent there but its realy affecting family.one sib has stated calling her a chav and fireworks ensue and i must admit she is being that way....

ps also any tips on sanctions re behevoiur - as we cant really say dnt go riding as i work so so hard to pay for - i know i shd but i just cant !!!!!

There are different modes of behaviour for different environments and that's an important lesson she needs to learn.

If you won't stop the riding then what else is currency? Phone top-up? Pocket money? Talk to her and see if she realises that how she's behaving is generally unpleasant and explain (again!) that it will alter how she is perceived by others, not just her family. Get her to help you set the rules.

Kids are so flaming hard at times!

To be honest I would find a different stable. There must be one out there that is friendly and nice I'd have thought?

you could post in the horsey section of Mumsnet and ask for recommendations in your area?

we have honestly tried all in area exept one which is lovley and is recommended locally but you have to own ,not loan a horse, otherwise you just have lesson and are sent away-there are two clear stratas there! daughter wants to look after horses ,work hard etcand stay for day.the children at this stable can be freindly for sure but its just v different "rules"and they seem very tough,,,,,

god those kids at the stable sound awful! my 8 year old goes to pony club and all the girls are nice as pie to each other

I would be having a word with the stable manager/owner and finding another stable

I'd also make it very clear to your dd that if she doesn't behave herself you won't carry on working your butt off to keep her in the lifestyle she thinks she deserves

jaffa - i keep telling her that - maybe i should just keeptrying and trying.she comes home in a whatever mode and she find shard to get another head on !! will try -ps thanks minipie tooxxx

Hi general-thanks- have spoken to manager - she thinks its ok to verbally threaten thinks it stabl culture - but not physical - she can be v supportive but can also turn blind eye me thinks.....

"stable culture" my arse!!!
my girls go every week all day sat, and there is certainly nothing like that. equally, my sis and i went as children to different stables and again behaviour was good. my sis is still involved in horses and although horsey woman can be a bit strange - usually only to other adults!

It doesn't sound like a great stables tbh if a poor attitude in encouraged.

Maybe she needs 5 mins in the car on her own before coming in to family life?

Not too dissimilar but we have issues with dd's behaviour when she comes back from her Dads as acceptable behaviour there is very different to here. It's taken a while and we still have rough times but a reminder of where she is and who she's with helps.

Maybe outline to her what you expect and reward her when she manages to be nice?

I would talk to her and get her to see that the awful way that these girl behave at this particular stable is not the way "we do things in our family". I'm sure you already have...

Explain that you understand that she needs to fit in but that she needs to leave the stable attitude at the stable.

Explain that you work hard and make huge sacrifices for her to persue this interest and that if she continues to behave like an arse at home then you will simply pull the whole things and spend the money on something nice for you instead

Does she do many other things or is this stable a massive part of her life and week? Perhaps you could encourage her to have (nicer, good influence) girl-friends round for a DVD and sleepover to remind her that these are her people - not that grotty bunch at the stables.

When my younger daughter (now 15) started to go into a particularly stroppy/ slammy/ flare up and give you a mouthful phase, I actually re-introduced the star-chart. We all know that there are huge parallels between the toddler and the teenager years, right? If she went a day behaving really well, she got a pink smile on her chart and if she did something unacceptable, she got a black sad face. The amount of pocket money she got on a Saturday morning was determined by the number of pink smiles she'd got that week. Maybe you could figure out some sort of inventive scheme whereby her behaviour is demonstrably linked to rewards?

Ultimately though, and in the long-term, perhaps she could have all her Christmas and birthday money from everyone put towards a pony of her own and be part of the nicer stable? I'm sure it's a enormous financial commitment though - I'm really glad that my DDs are not into horses.

Good luck