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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Boundaries have been broken and I feel

16 replies

bottomofthepit · 01/04/2011 09:23

like the worst mother ever. I cannot stop crying, I am disgusted with myself, I feel broken, destroyed and shit. How can I ever repair my relationship with DD. It all got out of control when I was cross with her for her shitty attitude, not unusual for a teen I know (15yrs), but yes I was in a bad mood. Mainly due to be treated with little/no respect. I ended up losing control and called her a bitch as I walked away from her room. I then went back and took away all the new clothes I had recently bought her along with her phone, laptop and all makeup. I then took away all the high heel shoes (if she is going to act like a baby, she shouldn't have these items). It was all very heated and over in minutes. She then called 'bitch' after I left the room and I went back and slapped her across the face [Embarrassed].

We have both overstepped the boundaries, obviously me more so and I really dont know how to move forward. She is more precious to me than like itself and I tell her that frequently. No excuse I know, but it hurts like a knife in my heart when she is rude to me as I love her so so much.

Please help and advise me what to do, I am deeply ashamed of myself but breaking my heart too. She is being very cool and doesn't appear to be sorry at all. I have told her none of it should have happened, I should not have called her a name and that from now on, I will NOT tolerate her bad attitude towards me and that she will never, ever call me names again.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2011 09:41

sympathy!!! going through this kind of thing too.....alot of us here are

you are NOT a shit mum. you really arent. and your dd knows this.

what had she done?

i try very,very hard to keep out of the bear piy which is my dd's room......i find i do what you do and start confiscating stuff while she lies on her bed laughing at me........so i try and keep out of there......she feels safe,its her room,she calls me more names from the safety of her bedroom than she would in a more neutral place such as kitchen or living room

i try and wait it out now......wait til she comes down or wants something. bide my time a bit. its hard!! i know.

GypsyMoth · 01/04/2011 09:41

'bear pit' that should say!

Original poster

bottomofthepit · 01/04/2011 09:48

Thats the sad part, she hadn't really 'done' anything other than be rude and grumpy with me. I just snapped. How the hell do I regain some sort of respect and relationship back with DD?

OP posts:

Maryz · 01/04/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

bottomofthepit · 01/04/2011 11:35

Thanks, although I know that DD thinks I have no reason to be in a mood or be cross and that its perfectly ok to be grumpy to me if I am being grumpy. She never hesitates to challenge me.

OP posts:

Original poster

bottomofthepit · 01/04/2011 11:37

Just to add, she sat on the bed smirking as I was taking her stuff away, she could see how emotional I was getting. She is cool as a cucumber.

OP posts:

Maryz · 01/04/2011 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helpinghand1 · 01/04/2011 13:24

Children revert in so many ways to toddler behaviour at this stage, but it is hard for us when we are used to expecting so much more from them. Notice all the good things she does - no matter how small and thank her for them - we all feel better when we are appreciated.

You are not a bad mum in any way- just over stressed by the situation. Do you have some other support too or something you like to do because taking care of yourself is also really important.

I think the meeting and apology is a good idea. You can also tell her that one of the reasons you get frustrated is because you love her so much and feel like the reationship is changing.

cyrilsneer · 01/04/2011 15:14

bottomofthepit...

You are human, you have a teenager and you have been pushed to the end of your tether. We can all identify with this, even if the specifics are different in individual houses.

Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes right now - can't promise it'll work, but this is the blueprint in the Sneer household:

Leave some time and space for both of you to calm down and reflect and let the heat and emotion go out of the situation.

Approach her when both of you are calm and the dust has settled. Some people like to sit at a table but I usually stick my head round my daughter's room and say that I would like to apologise for my part in what has gone on. Now you have her attention. I then usually say that we can carry on this dreadful atmoshphere indefinitely or that we can sit down and talk about what happened and find a way to move on that is acceptable to both.

Apologise, unreservedly, for slapping her. Explain that it is never, ever acceptable and that you are profoundly shocked and upset that it happened. Don't imply, in any way, that was her fault for pushing you to it. You should have exercised some restraint and you didn't. You're truly sorry.

Encourage her to take the time and space to tell you how miserable and annoying it is for her to have you busying around her room, taking her stuff and so on. Agree that it must have been horrible for her. Apologise for this and agree that her stuff is her stuff and that you won't do this again.

You now have the moral high ground, having done the decent thing in apologising for your part in all of this. Now you can gently and politely and without being accusatory, tell her that you feel hurt and upset and sometimes angry when she behaves in ways that make you feel that she does not respect you. That you love her so very, very much and that you would do anything for her but you sometimes feel that it is a one-way street. That it's hard to be a Mum sometimes.

Hopefully she will reassure you that she does love you too. She will probably tell you that all teenagers behave like this (they do) and that all of her friends speak to their Mums in a FAR worse way (I'm sure they do). Make sure you hug and agree that you will both try harder and that nothing in life is perfect but that you are both on a learning curve and that at least you can talk and meet half way and learn from your mistakes. Tell her that all of these "lessons" are important steps, really, on the road to independence and that when she is married and has children of her own, she'll sometimes have to negotiate her way through conflicts and find solutions and peace too.

... and then get the hell out and pour yourself a large glass of !

Good luck...

Original poster

bottomofthepit · 01/04/2011 15:45

cyrilsneer, thank you, I will take your advice to the word. She is at a sleepover tonight so the dust will have settled when I next see her which is probably a good thing. Still feel like shit though, mothers day on sunday! I guess neither of us will forget whats gone on but I do know that for my part anyway, I will not be giving a repeat performance. Thank you [embarrassed]

OP posts:

cyrilsneer · 01/04/2011 17:05

I'm pleased she's out tonight. Have a quiet evening - hot bath and an early night...

In a funny way, it's helpful that it's Mothers' Day on Sunday because she'll be aware of the need to get this resolved and to move on before she has to decide on Sunday morning whether to carry the horrible atmosphere on, on your special day, or to pretend it never happened and rush to present you the daffs and the "Best Mum In The World" card.

(shame they never do a "Best Mum In The House" card - we've all felt we've deserved it at some point...)

Hope it all works out ok - I really so think these sorts of ups and downs, whilst hideous at the time, are all part and parcel of family life and there are lots of positives here. The fact that you are SO very horrified and upset tells us that you are a lovely and caring Mum.

Good luck, bottomofthepit...

Original poster

bottomofthepit · 01/04/2011 18:16

Thank you so much cyrilsneer for your kind words. I hope you have a Happy Mothers Day too

OP posts:

activate · 01/04/2011 18:19

I think you're over-reacting personaly and I'm shocked she's been allowed to go out until she hs apologised

fine you shouldn't have slapped her and yes I'd apologise for that

but for a child to push you that far over the edge means she has some serious work to do

so yes I'm sorry I got so cross that I slapped you but we really need to talk about this because your behaviour is totally unacceptable to me

cyrilsneer · 03/04/2011 21:31

How are things, bottomofthepit?

Original poster

bottomofthepit · 04/04/2011 11:19

I had a good talk to DD and hopefully re-established the sort of behaviour I expect from her. We had a wonderful Mothers Day and I am adopting a more calm approach to DD also. She is an absolute treasure but grumpy and stroppy (typical teen behaviour) but she is a good girl. I pray neither one of use lose control again, although I think what happened was someting that may have been building anyway. I know one thing, I wiill never name call again and certainly never raise my hand. I may be the parent but its time I stopped acting like a child IYSWIM.

OP posts:

cyrilsneer · 04/04/2011 22:35

Well done you. Lessons learnt and a positive way forward. You sound so much better - I'm so pleased.

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