Has anyone made a contract with their teenager?

[mamateur]

DN came to live with us six months ago. I say this as background because, not being 'mine' or Dp's (his sister's child - she died long ago) it's been hard to enforce our requirements re his behaviour. These are not overly constrictive, but involve him going to school, on time, behaving in a reasonable way and not being hideously rude to teachers. I have used a lot of rewards and incentives with him and he seems to respond very well, particularly if there's money involved. He should only get his full pocket money if he has done well, but in practice I've chosen non-financial sanctions when I've needed to.

Then, DP is not pulling his weight at all, in terms of the house, the baby or most importantly spending time with DN, being a father to him, building their relationship which used to be brilliant but is now distant.

I have told them if they don't all make an effort I will take the baby and go as although I agreed to take in DN to live with us as a member of our family, I did not sign up to doing absolutely everything from arranging schools to all the cooking, supervising homework etc. I'm afraid I mean it as I'm pretty and right now.

Has anyone else made some kind of family contract? What did it look like?

DN is 13, year 8.

Sounds like the contract you need is with your dp as much as with your dn. He needs to pull his weight!

I can't make a contract with dcs as their health is just too variable; no point in making deals about chores with someone when you don't whether they will be able to walk the next day or not; we just have to take each day as it comes. But it sounds a reasonable thing to do.

I have read most of your other threads. I feel very sorry for you and your situation. I don't really know what to suggest.

DP really needs to be making a big effort and be on your side publicly, even if he secretly disagrees. You do have to put your health and the health of your own child first.

Thanks. I've been feeling a bit down. DP just seems to think I'll do 'all that boring stuff'. THis morning I asked if he had DN's lunch money for the week. He said, why didn't you remind me? Why should I remind him? It's his responsibility! When I said that he looked a bit guilty. I do think I tend to take over and perhaps not let others fulfil their roles. We're seeing a counsellor once a week. She has assimilated the issue and although she claims not to take sides, I know she has a 13yo and will focus on trying to get DP to take on his responsibility.

It makes me sick that this could split us up. I waited so long to have a partner I love and a baby.