What time do you let a teen stay out at night till?

[50000feet]

My DD14 constantly goes on that other mothers let their daughters stay out later than her and always rants that I am a rubbish mother because of it. Other mothers are all much better because they let their kids out... Is it different on school nights? Do you do it different in the winter when its darker? How do you cope when their friends vary in age from 12 to 16. I am not talking about being at a friends house - its when they all go to the park or hang around play areas at night.
....

I do not envy you....

My older DDs are now almost 18 and 17, but at 14 they were not allowed out unless they were at a friend's house, cinema or a party - and only then when I knew the score. DS is 14 but has no desire to be out and about at night - spends time with friends but they are generally on X-Box/PlayStation etc.

However in the summer when they almost 15 (we live in Spain) I did let them out with their friends but only down to the beach/local square etc, but I tended to collect them around midnight. Though it is very different here in that respect. The girls are both allowed out now, younger one tends to be back around 1 and older one whenever, but she's almost 18 and I've not had a single problem with either.

When we're in London though it is a different story. At 14 NO WAY would I have let them out (I wash 14 in London.....I know what can be done!). Now, their lives in the UK tend to be party based so I know that they're not hanging around in parks/play areas etc.

Do you know for sure that the friends are out? I know I was guilty of saying 'it's so unfair, everyone else is allowed out', only to find that my mother called said friends parents to discover that they had all been fed the same crap!!

I would concede a bit on Saturday nights - but only if you know where she is and who she is with??? IS she just 14 or nearly 15 - the difference in my girls between start and end of Yr 9 was enormous. She's got to build up trust. I wasn't strict per se, however they knew that if I said something then their lives would be intolerable if they didn't do/screwed up etc and they never did. Tell her if she shows that she can be responsible then you will give her more freedom. BUt one fuck up and she can go back to being treated like a ten year old....

Boosmummie - thanks for replying. Think i will take your advice and talk more to friends parents. DD always says don't talk to them as you will embaress me, but would rather embaress than have another ending to the story...... Cheers!!!

They can be lying little buggers when they want! Feel your way - that's all I did and when they can see that if they give good reason for you trust them, then you shall and life will be sweet for all!!!! Shout if you need. Been there, done it and I got a certificate too...

I am very lucky with my 14 year old so far as she doesn't go out much. When she does she is with local friends who are very sensible. If she was out though I think 10pm would be the very latest unless she was somewhere proper and getting lift back or in a group. I know when I was that age we hung around the parks and didn't do much (drinking at weekends though!) but I always mithered my mum about everyone else allowed out later and some didn't even have a set time to come in!!! My mum used to get really annoyed that they were all so lax. I hated my parents then but really appreciate now that they were good parents and didn't let me out all hours, I was wild enough and would have been much worse if allowed free reign.

50000feet, my DD used to say the same thing at 14, friends were allowed and she felt odd, I'm making her life hell....... But now nearly 17 she already appreiciate I didn't let her stay out. she goes out now but still back by 11pm unless she is staying at friends and I know the friend. we are in london and it can be intimidating for the 14 years old. do what you think is right for you. Some parents give in for quite life. I know it is not easy but stick to you rules and she will understand.

I let my 15 year old stay out until 915 in the week and then 1015 at weekends. What I will say if that you are a very strict parent these are usually the kids that lie about where they are, and usually opt to stay at a friends house so they can stay out later.

My DD is 14 and doesn't go and hang around in the evenings all that much. Sometimes she goes to a friend's house, but has to be home by 9 on a school night. Weekends if she has friends over/goes to their house then probably 10 o'clock. We live in a quiet village though, so there's not a lot to do. I suspect the problems will arise when she's a bit older and wants to go out in the city at weekends [shudder]

50000feet - am in exactly the same position so I feel your pain. DS (13) says he has to come in the earliest out of all his friends and that he feels stupid etc. I have some sympathy - DH has been making him come home at 7.30 during the dark nights - but I think we should give him more leeway, especially now the lighter nights are coming. If he goes to youth club he can stay till the end (8.30/9ish) but if they're just hanging round then DH won't let him.

Today he has asked to go to a house party tomorrow night. Apparently the mother won't be there (I don't know her anyway) but the older sister (20+ apparently) will. I think we should let him go and if he puts a foot wrong - ie drinking - then he faces the consequences. DH, as usual, has just said a flat 'No' without any reasoning or explanation. I'm stuck in the middle and getting it from both sides!

Good luck!

Maryz I heard DS talking to DH about it a while ago but am staying out of the way for now. He didn't have to tell us the mother wouldn't be there, as you say. He asked if he could stay out later, (at the party) and when I asked him until what time, he said 10 pm. I was expecting him to say later than that, so I'm happy to do as you suggest but it's a matter of convincing DH. It doesn't help that DH has been working 12 hour days solidly for the last 3 weeks - he's so tired it's making him even more irritable so I really have to try and pick my moments.

I'm with you - trust them until they prove untrustworthy - but DH is the type to just say NO to everything!

If you don't mind my asking, how did your DS get to hang about with undesirables? It's so hard trying to get them to choose the 'right' type of friends ...

I discourage aimless hanging around after dark, or ever, really. My 14 year old dd is busy doing activities/at friends's houses, and I just judge the time factor on an individual basis really. I would take the same attitude with boys too. in many ways, boys are more at risk from crime and violence.

dd age 14 has to be in at 930 and i am,obviously, the strictest parent ever! let stay out to ten at weekends but never to just hang out in parks when dark! he gets it his friends get it and i think he is secretly pleased that he hasnt had any of the hassle the others have had eg picking up by police etc. i know he has to stay out later eventually and do find it odd that his friends parents dont seem to care where they all are or have even decided to sleep- he knows its cos i love him - three more yrs and he gets to stay out later!!!

ds not dd here see i am tired having just driven out to pick him up again!!!

Maryz You've had your work cut out by the sound of it, I'm glad things have settled down a bit for you. I'll be glad when the teenage years are over! I'm hoping that DH will think about what I & DS have said and let him go, just for a couple of hours. He needs to gradually have responsibility and freedom, unless he shows that he's not ready to cope with it. In which case he'll be grounded forever!