worried hes so lazy

[MADABOUTTHEBOY2000]

my DS 15yo is academically doing great mags and tags brill heading for a/a8 in all his subjects but hes so argumentive and lazy he does his HW but wont concentrate or go somewhere quieter to do it takes an hour to get going and keeps stopping then the lazyness everythings at 1 pace no matter how rushed we are he does everything in slow motion , i know all teens are like this but to aford uni im going to have to sell my house and downsize , which i dont mind doing but if he cant be bothered to study or revise or get up even or make a sandwich no matter how clever he wont do well will he, im pee'd off with it but i realise a lot teens like it but his dads fit to bust he cant cope at all with him being like it

opps should say A/A*

i dont want him to be in debt till in mid forties as thats how long at the rate it would probably be to pay it back i dont mind him getting the loans but certainly dont want him to start out with such large debt pointless going to uni otherwise , he only turns 15 in a few days time i believe he can get a saturday job then he had a paperround but refused to do it as only getting £6 for 260 papers

If he's doing well at school then cut him some slack - don't put up with the argumentative stuff (although you do need to pick your battles or you'll go mad - sometimes it's just not worth the fight) but he's obviously working hard, and it's not an easy age.

As for selling your house - you'd be mad. Student loans are still one of the cheapest loans out there - he can work in the holidays and work PT term-time, which is what most students do. You're putting a huge amount of pressure on him to "perform" this way which I don't think is doing him any favours.

Sorry if I sound harsh - I do sympathise. I've been there.

He's getting the grades..therefore he is doing enough.. so I agree with Hassled.. pick your battles and don't assume he isn't learning just because he isn't glued to books 4 hours night. None of mine were either and all did fine..

The student loan isn't like other loans.. you ONLY pay it back incrementally once earning over a certain amount..and virtually everyone has one. My DD1 is a med student, so a longer course, bigger loan (certainly now with the tuition hike). This is the reality for students now and to be honest you won't do him ANY favours by the suggestion that you will have to sacrifice everything so he doesn't have debts.. talk about loading on the guilt. What happens if he goes to Uni, hates it and drops out? Or is ill... or anything where he doesn't want to go on but you have 'done all that' for him. Sheesh.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to NOT plan it out for him. If he's working he'll do ok in GCSEs..and his grades suggest he will be fine. A levels are a whole other ball game and a lot tougher..but again, you can't make him work in any other way than suits him. And for God's sake don't be so daft as to contemplate selling up.

Most students work thro A levels and University anyway to help with the daily living expenses:) Mine certainly all have/are, and I'm firmly in my own home...:)

i wouldnt be sacrificing he knows i want a smaller house hes not glued to his books at all thats what i was trying to say he just thinks he gets A or A* so why do i need to study i have not planned anything out hes the one who insists he wants to go to uni i dont see where trying to encourage him to revise is bad just because hes doing great now doesnt mean he will at uni without studying he cant just wing in there which is what hes doing atm, the loan thing is just a possibility but obviously if im to also loan him some and id have to do this as my friends dcs at uni are even with jobs constantly asking for help for books bills food ect and im a carer for my disabled DH and ive an autistic ds and another daughter who will probably be trying to go to uni , im on a very low income so there is no way id ever be able to give him any money if he needs it hense having to sell , im happy downsizing as my health isnt to great either n i find its too much for me what with caring for dh ect , if your at work or if i was i would still sell and get something a bit smaller or move to a cheaper area, if he hates it he hasnt got to stay no but goodness knows i wouldnt be happy if he failed because he cant get out of bed i dont mind if he fails but has tried , tbh id be happier if he just studdied at all

Ok .. low income = more financial help. STudent loans are made up of two parts.. the tuition loan (paid straight to the uni) and the maintenance loan. This part is usually part loan part grant as it is means tested. If you are on a low income you will have most if not all, as a grant.. so don't pay anything back. Additionally most Unis have bursaries for lower income students. My DD missed out on one by £100 income in our home :(

I also have a permanently dependent, disabled and autistic child, another two to support (one of whom will also go to Uni in 18m time) and no money to support my DD, but you know what? SHe isn't alone and what's more she is proud of the fact she manages her money. She worked throughout her A levels and saved it, to pay for books and so that she could join sports,.. and as she had to get straight A graded for med school it wasn't easy...but she did it, and is still managing to work some hours at Uni. It's perfectly doable.

What's more it makes for independent young adults who don't expect everything to be handed to them. DD has a couple of very well off flat mates and she says they have no incentive to work hard because they have a 'it doesn't matter ' attitude.

If you want to downsize because YOU wish to..that's another matter entirely, but it should not have anything to do with your ds going to uni....

I think you would be crazy to sell your house to pay for his University fees to be quite honest. It's his future - unless you make him work for it, it won't actually be worth it to him. All you are teaching him is that he is entitled and someone else will foot the bill.

The other thing he needs to bear in mind is that it isn't hugely difficult to do well at GCSE and get good marks; however once you move up the levels into level 3 (A levels/BTECs/ NVQ3 etc) it requires more diligence and at any reputable University he will actually be required to hit the books and apply some original and creative thinking so his A* may well turn into a 2.2 or a 3rd or worse. I see it all the time.

At the end of the day he is still only 15 though and many teenagers are bone idle. I wouldn't map his life out for him now ... let him start thinking of consequences for his action and inaction.

I have been warned by friends not to give too much financial assistance while at uni as their children took out the maximum loans anyway despite having tutition fees & accommodation costs covered by bank of mum & dad! I have been advised to pay off, or help with loan repayments instead or provide the deposit for their first house.

Oh my DS same age is EXACTLY the same - I find the best way to feel better about it is to remind yourself of how much worse it could be - as long as they are doing well at school and not going off the rails I think it could be worse and I know some of DS's friends' parents are tearing their hair out over worse things so just hope and pray it's a phase and he'll grow out of it in time to get a bit motivated before uni!

ty chocolatemarshmallow i do hope so,i dont want him to be in HUGE debt djinnie i may do what Liquidpea says and help afterwards a little with repayments but it was also the total expense of living away from home i was also thinking of after the first year staying at the uni, bills ect if he gets a part time job will help but i dont want him working all hours god sends for little pay then not passing the courses as not enough time to study, i guess its swings and roundabouts i couldnt give a penny to help him as im a full time carer for my DH whos disabled and have a DS whos Autistic so no spare money whatsoever if he ever comes to me saying he needs help, but i have to downsize as im not coping looking after DH and such a big house so the money would help us all out iyswim

If he is getting the grades chill out, the more you nag the less they do .
My ds did just enough homework to get by, he grunted like all teenagers,made noises when asked to do anything,but now in a top uni doing engineering,and
we can now have real conversations , he's turned into a confident young man
so there is light at the end of the tunnel it just takes along time to arrive !
And let him sort out his own finances . They learn very quickly what they can and can't afford

About the studying- I would absolutely settle for getting the grades atm. Yes, that kind of work won't do for uni- but then he won't be 15 when he goes to uni. Teens can mature amazingly in a few years. Otoh being diligent and studious at 15 is absolutely no guarantee that you're not going to flip when you find yourself away from home for the first time. Believe me, I'm a university teacher: I see all sorts.

And fwiw I had a hefty debt after my degree (different country, no student grants even in the 80s)- I saved up and paid it all back within the first 4 years of employment and it has never bothered me since. Whereas if my parents had had to make that sacrifice, they'd have been stuck with it forever.