Teenage sex. Not under my roof? (Warning - long!)

[frantic51]

Just canvassing opinions. I have three teenagers DD1 19 (20 next month), DS 17 (upper 6th, 18 in July) and DD2, just turned 16.

Older two, both in steady(ish) relationships.

DD1 bf coming to stay tonight. He is 23. Although they have only been going out for a couple of months I really don't feel that, at their ages, I can object to them sharing a room. I know DD1 is sensible, she has the implant, and both have had sexual health check ups so am prepared for them to share. This is going to cause problems, though, when DS finds out. His gf is 16, (lower sixth) and when she came to stay in the Christmas hols I insisted on separate rooms (also requested by gf's mother) Caused me a bit of a merry dance when they closeted themselves in DS's room in the evenings and had to go up and quietly request that they repair to their respective beds so I could retire too. (I know there was no guarantee they would stay there, but felt I would have done everything reasonable wrt gf's mother's request; she couldn't expect me to sleep on the landing, surely?!)

The thing is, since H left home, DS has seen himself as the "man of the house" and will bitterly resent the different treatment of older sister, especially as his relationship is longer lived. How do I handle this?

Can you argue on the grounds either that DD1 is over 18, or that DD1's boyfriend's parents don't object to them sharing a bed? While you have to respect DS's GF's mother's views?

Can you spin it as respecting the wishes of the gf's mum? Have you spoken to her about this again recently?

Have tried the "over 18" argument but as DS, quite correctly, points out, the age of consent is 16. The trouble I will have is the length of the respective relationships. At Christmas DS and gf had only been together a couple of months, another good reason for waiting a bit at their ages imo Just like DD1 and bf now

He is going to stay with her parents for some of the Easter break (they are both at boarding school) so it will be her mother's problem.iyswim Looking ahead to the summer, when she will, no doubt come to stay again, I don't really know what to do. Tbh, by that time they will be 18 and 17 and will have been together for about 8 months so I really feel that they should be allowed to share if they want to. Having got to know gf's mother a bit more in the interim, though, am fairly sure she will not feel the same!

To cut to the chase. Personally, I think I have no right to interfere with over 18s at all. Under 18 (but over 16) I feel that a relationship should be demonstrated to be reasonably serious and secure (ie over 6 months duration) and under 16, no way Jose! Is this reasonable do you think and should I make that clear to DS gf's mum and let her deal with it? Which might mean that she won't let her come and therefore DS will spend more time away at her place. (I miss him like crazy in the term time and he's off to college in September so really would like to have as much time as possible with him in the summer - he's already booked a holiday with some mates and some time away with his Dad) Or do I stick to gf's mum's wishes and have constant resentment and conflict while they are here?

Do you know that they are having sex? Have you or your DS' father had a frank chat with him about contraception, sexual health checkups etc?

Sorry, the thing is DS knows gf's mum's views and says he respects them. On the other hand gf has told him she "did it" with a previous bf (gf's mum unaware, I think) so thinks it's a bit "shutting the stable door..." Puts me in an awful position. I see his point, but respect gf's mum's wishes too. Also, I know my DS and he really is a good lad, sensible, respectful of girls as people and, though I know that, given his age, hormones must be racing, not the kind of lad to "use" a girl purely for his own gratification. He is genuinely very attached to her on many levels and very mature in his outlook. However, am very well aware that gf's mother doesn't know him very well. Maybe the visit to theirs in the Easter break will reassure her?
It's a minefield this parenting teenagers lark, isn't it?

I don't think they are having sex yet, but am aware that they both want to. DS isn't the kind to sneak off and do it behind the cricket nets (has been known at their school) or anything like that. He wouldn't do anything that would damage her reputation, he thinks far too much of her, treats her with a great deal of love and respect.

Dunno what DS father has said to him. I have talked to him about contraception and he's well clued up on that. Was going to have a chat about sexual health checks over the holidays.

How about you tell the girl's mum that Yes, you provide her with a separate bedroom and she puts her bags in there and settles in, but that you do not feel able to police exactly where they are or what they are doing all through the evening and overnight? Then remind both of them what her mother has said, and leave them to decide what to do.

Hopefully her mother will agree that there is really not much more you can do about it, and continue to let her stay over on that basis. After all, most parents of teens realise that they can't actually stop them from having sex if they've decided they want to - there's nothing magic about night-time that makes it possible, or even being in a bed

Oh dear - it's not easy is it, especially as a LP.

I think that there is a big difference between 19 & 23 and 16 & 17 - I agree that 18 does seem like the time you have to step back from it. The legal age of consent is 16, it doesn't mean you have to be fine with it happening!

I think all you can do is say to him that for now she is not allowed to share his room - because you feel they are too young (if you do) and because you respect her Mums rules for hosting her. I think you need to tell them that when they are x & y (whatever that is for you) then you will be OK with them sharing a room in your house, as long as she is doing it with her mothers knowledge. Tell him it's not fair of them to expect you to allow this when her Mum is letting her stay in your home, trusting you to have them sleep in separate rooms.

Having said that... I had older friends (my parents age) who used to let us stay with them so we could share a room, but would tell my parents we had separate rooms at their house!! (they lived in a holiday destination, so staying there was reasonable, it's not like it was just around the corner!).

I wouldn't worry about the summer holidays yet - let her mum cope with easter and see how things are after that!!

It was much easier in my youth when the idea of doing it in your parents house (when they were home) was enough to put you right off the idea anyway!!

*AMumInScotland" that sounds like a good plan. Just hope the mum will go for it. Tbh I've made a real effort to get to know her better at the various school functions we've been together at and she strikes me as sweet but a real "helicopter parent", she treats her DD as though she were about 12!

Chipping tbh, by summer they will be 18 and 17 and will have been together for over 8 months, so I would be ok with them sharing. I suppose the problem is that I think that gf's mum is overprotective and naive (gf no longer a virgin) but I still respect her wishes regarding her daughter. However, I know I would be under pressure to behave as your older friends did and not tell because DS knows my views! So either let them share and keep quiet, or enforce gf's mum's rules in my house which I think are overly strict and going to cause hassle and resentment and not going to work anyway. I think the best way forward is as MIS suggested. Provide a separate room for gf and inform her mum I'm doing this, point out her mum's wishes and views to both of them and then leave them alone and ignore.

i think you have to trust youve done a good job i agree i would prefer them to wait till been together a bit longer but at same time better to be in control of the situation iyswim id go with what youve said in your last post, and btw you sound like youve a good relationship with all three respectful ect but we all know things can get carried away even if they did try and listen and stop themselves so like you id prefer they used pill/or whatever AND condoms , at the end of the day if they are going to do it they will one way or another wether you like it or not but id deffinately give them seperate room but what happens once your asleep your not in control of hope works out ok good luck

You are so right, frantic, it really is so difficult, all of this.

I agree with previous posters:

Say to DS that you have to respect his girlfriend's Mum's wishes and that this is the way it is. She's sleeping in the spare room. Don't get pulled into conversations about your older child and her boyfriend, it's a completely different situation.

Say to the girlfriend's Mum that the spare room is made up for her and that her bags will be taken there but flag up that, realistically, you can't police their every movement 24/7.

Having made all of this clear, I would then let go of the situation. Perhaps, as long as she actually sleeps in the spare bed, you could turn a bit of a blind eye if they hang out in his room before they each go their separate ways to their separate beds?

Try not to worry too much about the summer yet though. A lot could happen in between now and then.

I think you CAN say to your eldest DD that it is not appropriate for her to share a room with her boyfriend - because of the issue of your younger children and do you really want to hear them (possibly ) having sex in your house? If your eldest daughter is sensible she will understand and respect your views.

I had a friend who was quite liberal in her views and let her DD share a room with a boyfriend - the trouble was when she then went on to have different boyfriends and my friend had to get used to sharing her kitchen with various young men in the morning - it's very hard to say 'no' once you have allowed it the first time.

Ragwort I am fairly easy going on this tbh. It really wouldn't bother me to hear them having sex; they're going to do it anyway and I would far rather they did it here than in the back of the car down some lonely, country lane.

Also, the same could be said for the younger couple and by summer DS will be 18. This 18/16 business is all a bit arbitrary anyway imo. The younger two are just as mature and sensible as the older ones (certainly DS is anyway) and every bit as committed to one another, if not more so. Kids don't suddenly turn "sensible" on the morning of their 18th birthdays, after all. Life would be so much simpler if the age of consent and the age of majority were one and the same!

cyrilsneer You're right, of course, anything could happen between now and the summer but somehow, on present evidence, I don't think it will!

I like to think I have a really good relationship with Son. And that, with just the mildest prompting, he gives me a reasonably detailed picture of his life, emotions, successes and failures. He and his friends are all well mannered and seem quite content to have dinner with Husband and I (or are amazingly clever at hiding their boredom if not). So we are very happy to have teenagers in our house. Last night we all tucked into paella and Sainsbury's Taste the Difference Chocolate and Sea salted caramel gateau, the wine and conversation flowed, there was lots of laughing. Lovely. Son puffed on his fake cigarette (very realistic and, apparently, the cool thing to do these days) and all was well with the world. After dinner teenagers went to Son's end of house to chill. Husband and I went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. What were they doing? Innocently chatting and watching a DVD? Or getting horribly drunk? Taking drugs? Watching porn? Having wild sex? My imagination ran riot. The trouble is, they are adults now and need to be respected as such. Just because my mind was buzzing with negative thoughts and worries, did not mean that they were up to anything. It is a hard thing to let go of, an apron string. Anyhow, this morning they are tucking into French toast, bacon and coffee and look happy, healthy and well-adjusted. So, am I worrying over nothing? Or should I be more concerned with how many calories were in that scrummy gateau? Anyone with teenagers got a view?
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I kind of agree with Ragwort here.

When I was 19 and my bf (now DH) was 23, my mother would not let us room share in her house. She was honest and said it made her uncomfortable. Fair enough - it never bothered me and DH - we understood that it was her house, her rules.

She was, however, more liberal with my sister 4 years down the line, but admitted afterwards she wished she hadn't been, as my sister trailed a string of different lads home and my mum started to feel like her home was a knocking shop!

frantic51 but surely half the fun of early sexual relationships is having sex in the back of a car - I would have been mortified to have sex in my parents' home (even now I wouldn't and I've been married over 20 years !!) - of course we know that our teenage children have sex, they just don't need to do it in our homes.

Thread hijack Countrywife is that Chocolate and Sea Salted Caramel gateau really delicious, I eyed one up the other day in Sainsburys' - should I treat myself? .

Ragwort Well, of course I have had sex in the back of a car but I wouldn't particularly have called it "fun"!

thenightsky "She was honest and said it made her uncomfortable." It doesn't make me uncomfortable, I hope you're not suggesting I'm not being honest?

They went off to bed a couple of hours ago, I let them use my room and DD1 asked me if I was going to sleep in her room. I grinned and asked, "if I did would it cramp your style?" (Her room is next to mine ) She laughed and said "the fact that it's your bed will cramp my style mum, but I do appreciate it nevertheless, it will be lovely to cuddle up in comfort". I observed that maybe we "oldies" are more hung up on sex than some of the younger generation and reassured her that I was planning to sleep in DD2's room, (at the other end of the house) just in case she changed her mind.

personally i think if she trusts her daughter to spend the night away with him in another room and they choose to betray that thats up to them.

If you made provision for her in another room you have done your bit

Its down to the girl as to whether she repsects her mums wishes.