daughter has left the house and I don't want her back in here.

[Thingumy]

For the last 3 and a bit years (she's 16 in a few weeks) we've put up with all manner of shit from her and her behaviour has esculated.

I've had verbal abuse ie fuck you,go fuck yourself,you are a fucking bitch etc,threatening to smash the house up if we are out,screaming ,shouting.

Threatening and abusive behaviour-pushing me,trying to barricade me in a room,threatening to hit me,throwing things at me,squaring up to me,kicking me,hitting her younger brother,trying to strangle him, bruising him,hurting the family pets.

Wrecking her room,smoking at 13, smoking in the house,coming home pissed,not coming back from school, going off with older 'boys' (she was 14 and he was 20),not going to school,Getting brought home by the police,refusing to go to lessons (truancy at school), exclusion for swearing at a teacher,fights.Blatant lying.

Stealing money,clothes (and underwear? from me),personal items.

After a barrage of abuse from her which lasted 2 hours tonight which included her telling me she would smash our house up when I was out at work at the weekend,she has packed a bag and gone out.I've told her not to return and will be phoning the authorities tomorrow and tell them I can't have her in the house anymore.

There is more but I simply can't be arsed to type it all out.

I've had my fill.And some.

I'm a abused parent,where the fuck is MY HELP?

oh i so know what you're going through....sympathy ten times over!!

she's almost 16,so can she legally be thrown out?

i have tried for help too....siblings were getting hurt,police were called,dd arrested and in cells. hoping dd realises this is it! social services told me i cant throw her out or i can get prosecuted for abandonment!!

i called womens aid as my other dd had been assaulted by her sister....lots of support there. parentline plus too.

I'm sorry you're going through this, you sound at the end of your tether. I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, have you got a partner or family for support? Do you have any idea where she may have gone? Sounds like you've had hell for a while

Thanks for replying folks.

I've read your threads Tiff and really see what you are dealing with.I really do.

I cannot deal with it anymore,I'm spent and it's making me ill,dh ill and ds is not a happy chappy,he's only 8.

I've called SS numerous times and they've said 'we can't help-you are dealing with it in the best way,carry on etc' but I can't carry on anymore.I can't.

I told her I didn't want her friend in the house tonight (they smoke in her room when she knows it's not allowed) and she told me to 'go fuck myself, she's coming in if you like it or not'.

I sat downstairs with ds listening to them swear and slam doors and turn the music up to deafening levels,I feel like a bloody stranger in my own home and I've got my sodding hands tied.

Dh was at work.

She and friend left before he got home as she knew he'd rake her arse over hot coals for being abusive and not abiding by what I said.

If I was in abusive marriage and my dh was treating me (and others this way) we'd be offered a safe haven...

Why is there no help for parents with abusive children? Why do we have to put up with it?

So sorry you are having to go through this. I have a troubled 14yo and I can only imagine how you must be feeling but you do have to take care of yourself too x

thanks pump,thoughts to you too!

Shall we all scream together?

i WAS in an abusive marriage,and in many ways it was easier as i knew i had the option to leave.

i never ever expected this. i thought by setting them a moral compass then they would grow up accordingly,and be good kids.how naive was i?! i see ds who is 12,copying some of his sisters behaviours,whilst at the same time he detests her behaviour....its so hard

do you know where she is? anywhere she can stay to give you a break?

also,what triggered tonights outburst? hold on in there....

Oh you poor thing. You must be out of your mind with worry, anger and exasperation. It's incomprehensible that social services are being so unsupportive. Have you been to your GP about how it's affecting your mental health? You really must hammer on doors to let people realise how this is destroying your family.

If your dd dooesn't return before tomorrow, call the police and social services and report her as missing. really you need help and the only way is to contact as many people as possible, so that they take this seriously because it is damaging your whole family. Meanwhile have a and a glass of .

I know what you are saying Tiff.

I know where she is,ironically she is so called staying with someone who is a foster carer a few miles down the road.

Long story but this 'so called' foster carer has harboured my daughter when she has been grounded after a school exclusion.I did NOT give permission for her to stay there and this 'parent' did not call me.She is friends with the girl 'staying there'.

I'm not sure if she is staying with a foster family,it could be another elaborate lie but I and dh will be calling SS tomorrow and will be asking lots of questions.

The police have been great in tracking her down but generally just bring her home when she's run off and drop her at the door and say 'We'll leave you to deal with it then' .

Maybe a foster family would be the best place for her until she grows up a little. She seems to be going through the worst case of 'teenitis' possible but it is just not fair on you and the rest of your family, especially your little one, who is bound to be affected. Please go and speak to your GP. She may have mental health problems that can be addressed with an urgent referral to CAHMS.

Hmm.

She is 'bi polar' and 'depressed' by her own standards-generally the mental health label get's called when she can't get her own way.

She has a counsellor at school (surely if the counsellor thought there was any mental health issues she would be writing to our gp and suggesting medical help?)

We've suggested a gp visit countless times but she refuses.

Funny enough,she could arrange a Gp appointment to go on contraception at 14.

Go to the GP and ask for help for yourself. It needs to be documented that you are suffering, otherwise the authorities will continue to report that you are coping and they won't do anything to help, because she's not asking for it.

You could also try contacting her counsellor at school although confidentiality rules may well mean that they won't discuss your daughter. However it doesn't stop you from speaking to her teachers about her behaviour to see how or whether they're also having problems (They must be if she is being excluded).

Of course once she's 16 everything changes and you can evict her from home and as a vulnerable young person, social services will have to find her somewhere to live.

This must be very hard for you and very difficult to deal with because ultimately you love her otherwise you wouldn't care.

Morning Thingumy ..

Hope you got some sleep last night.

Crystalglasses is right - let it be known how much you and the family are suffering. This situation is insufferable and totally unacceptable.

Been through something not dissimilar and my tale might be a little useful - will post a bit later on today. Got to get DS sorted now.

Yes,hope you got some sleep last night.

Hi Thingumy.Hope you're ok today.Have only just read this thread and am heartsore for you.Ihaven't any advice that hasn't already been given but had to let you know that I'm thinking of you.No one should have to put up with what you're going through.Can I give you,your DS and DH a big hug.I'll be here to talk whenever you need. Mx

Thanks for the messages of support,it really helps as I don't have anyone in RL to talk to (well,apart from dh and he is truly sick of just talking about it.).

No call from her school so at least she's managed to get on the school bus and attend.

I've been reading the message boards on parentline and it seems if I do call SS,I shouldn't expect anything to happen.

I cannot cope with her leaving school and laying about the house 24/7 and abusing everyone.

I contemplating just waiting for 12 days until she is 16 and then taking steps to get her housed elsewhere,of course this depends on whether she comes home on her own accord.

I have suspicions that she will be back here on Sunday as her grandfather will be visiting us and she will be expecting the usual £20 mobile phone top up .

I feel emotionally spent.

I had to inform our dear neighbour about all this shit as neighbour caught her trying to kick the backdoor in last week while I was out at work and she was so called staying with the friend (so of course I locked the house!?).
I've told neighbour to call the police if she witnesses her doing this again.

Hang on for 12 days. Then write her an eviction letter. The local authority will have to find her some accomodation. It could be the making of her.

Have you spoken to the homelessness unit in your area? THe LA will have a a legal duty to provide some sort of housing, probably in a hostel, if you turf her out, because at 16 she would be considered vulnerable. It's not ideal because you may not like the people she will be mixing with, however it will give you some respite, and who knows, she may just see the error of her ways.

I have just joined mn tonight and read your chat and if i changed the age, DD14 your story is the same as mine apart from still at home. I know exactly how you feel!!!!!!!! I had to push my GP and nearly insist that my GP made a referal to cambs. Your right it takes ages to get an appt but do it anyway - when they told me it would be months before i got an appoinmtent I did not think I'd survive but we got there and the appt has arrived. It won't be take a pill and it will get better but something is better than nothing. You might not get her through the door but go yourself and explain and they wil give you strategies to cope. phone parentline and get a weekly phone call or call younge-minds and ask for a telephone call from an expert who will give you loads of advice.

Some great advice from other posters, especially those going through the same problem as you.

She sounds totally off the rails. And if you throw her out, she may well end up on the streets. The council may 'have to' find her somewhere to live, but she will have to refer herself and do all the formfilling for housing and benefits. It takes a lot of maturity to leave home so young - I had to at 16 and I was very vulnerable and found it difficult, and I was a pretty mature, sensible 16year old.

Teens behaving the way she is are not responsible and mature and ready to leave the nest. She sounds angry and miserable and not ready for the adult world.

There are plenty of people who will 'help' her for all the wrong reasons. Usually men 10years+ older than her

I cannot imagine the hell you and your other dc are living through, and I know that you have a duty to protect your family, sadly, from her - but I would beg you to get some kind of professional support and help for all of you. Don't give up on her, please.

Is there anywhere else your DD could stay for a couple of weeks to give everyone a break?

Family, adult friends, or even the boundariless[sp?] foster carer?

Social Services don't seem to be able to provide this sort of respite any longer especially for 15 y o.

Have you considered Family Mediation? Or maybe things have gone to far for that.

Thingumy, I know from experience that 'tough love' sometimes really is the only thing that works in these situations (they're a LOT more common than most people think).

Wait until she is 16 and evict her. You will be doing the best for her in the long run.