"My strongest recommendation"... It's not what you say, it's the way that you say it...

[cyrilsneer]

My DD (about to be 17 going on 27, thinks she knows it all "I'm practically an adult!"). She's a very strong person who knows her own mind and is very, very focussed on her own agenda.

We have frequently locked antlers over what she does. These arguments are loud, explosive and leave me shaken/ furious/ at my wits end/ miserable... You know how it is.

Recently, however, I have developed a new strategy. Instead of saying "No, you are not doing x". I have started saying "You are old enough and sensible enough to make your own decision regarding x but my strongest recommendation is that you don't do it because of y".

In my mind I am saying "Don't do x". She hears "You're grown up and mature, you're sensible, I trust you to make your own decisions regarding your own life". So far she is falling in with my "recommendations", we're getting on really well and we are not having any of these awful arguments.

Sometimes, with teenagers, I guess it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it?

Just thought I'd share what currently seems to be working in our house

Cyril

Of course the day will come when she doesn't fall in with my "recommendation" but then I guess I'll just point out to her what (in my experience/ opinion) the possible natural consequences could be of that action and let her get on with it.

It's just so nice not to have these awful flare-ups that make the house feel like a war-zone.

I've used the choices thing for years, from around age 11 with my lot, and it really, really works. I never hear "it's not fair" because they've chosen consequences by their actions. Makes life far easier!

Yes I'm trying everything at the moment .

I feel your pain OP.

I think it's also about picking your moment.

Sometimes there might be something that really needs saying, but if said, WWIII will break out.

I think also that picking your fights carefully is important.

Some things are just best left to slide, even though you might be steaming lava inside, the consequences of saying anything could be worse.

Leave it a while, smell the roses and think again if something needs saying.

I started a similar thing when DD hit 13. I've consciously started to decide less for her and let her make her own decisions.

My idea is that I give her the information and let her make a decision. As long as I understand the logic (even if i disagree with her choice) then I'll accept it.

Hard to keep my mouth shut though when she doesnt choose what I think is best. But ultimately my main job now is to teach her to be independent and stand on her own two feet. Her moral compass should be set by now.

Ooopsadaisy You're SO right about picking your arguements! DH kicks off on a daily basis about (relatively) small stuff (left her towel on the bathroom floor/ left the airing cupboard door wide open/ put the milk container in the bin instead of the recycling/ left her breakfast things on the kitchen surface instead of putting them in the dishwasher)...

All of these things are REALLY, REALLY irritating but I just can't face having WWIII all day every day. These days I'm letting small stuff like this go and keeping my powder dry for the bigger stuff.

My husband says she's walking on water and that I'm being a doormat but she really is SUCH a good girl in SO many very important respects that I think you have to take a deep breath and let some of the teenage thoughtlessness/ messiness wash over your head.

I'm the tidiest, most organised person as an adult but I remember my parents going mad with me about the state of my room when I was a teenager so I must have been scatty and disorganised at the same age.

Yup, same thing works for me.

It works for me too :o

This sounded such a good idea, not picking your arguments (although that good too) but the original OP. However, I must have got it wrong, tried it this morning and she saw straight through it, still sewing my head back on!

What good advice OP. I'm going to try that with DD1 who is nearly 15.

Well done on your new strategy :) I use this and it usually gets them to think about it and come up with the know/correct way to do something.

We are teaching them to make informed decisions, a skill they will need all their adult lives.

:)