I slapped my 15 yo daughter yesterday

[CrapMothertoaTeen]

Name change as v ashamed about this.

Terrible day yesterday.

DD is nearly 16 and goes to school in a town some miles away from home. I pick her and her siblings up most days.

Scene 1- me in town, in the post office queue trying to sort something, daughter rings asking to know where I am and why I'm late picking them up from school (I'm 10 mn late by this stage). I tell her I'll be there asap

Scene 2, near school; I'm walking up the road with baby walking and empty pushchair. DD slings her heavy bag into the pushchair for me to push. I give her the pushchair instead but am seething.

Scene 3, the car; Another child admits that she is in bottom set for a subject due to not having revised for the test that setted them last year. She has chosen this subject for GCSE. I tell her she'd better do well at this subject. DD chips and says that's really mean, what if she does her best and doesn't do well anyway? I can feel my parenting being undermined here and decide to take a stand about doing the best possible in all our subjects. Mini-lecture/conversation ensues, during which DD continues to insist it is "mean" for me to expect any of them to do well at exams.

Scene 4, still the car, about a mile from home. DD ramps it up and starts interrupting me and contradicting while I'm trying to talk to younger child about said subject and why she must do well in all subjects. I check rear-view mirror for other traffic, brake sharply and suggest to DD that maybe she'd like to walk home from here. She declines and I tell her that she should not interrupt me when I'm talking to her sister then. Silence ensues.

Scene 5, the car, about 150 metres from home. I am still talking to younger child about the importance of doing the best you can. DD interrupts again and attempts to shout me down. I totally lost it. My hand just reached across the car of its own accord (she was sitting in the passenger seat) and slapped her. DS told me I was way out of order (I entirely agree) and violent to boot.

I feel so, so miserable. I have never hit her before, never had to, she's always been so good. It upsets me so much that she is so hostile and difficult at the moment. Where can I go from here? I made a terrible mistake and I'm worried that I've ruined our relationship for ever.

I don't mean "never had to", that didn't come out right. I mean that I've hardly ever had to be even cross with her.

Ignore me as I am poorly but tbh it sounds like she needed it. That was a lot of attitude and grief from a 15 year old.

Mine are younger but when they create in the car it stressed me big time as I have had near misses and they just don't get it.

Ahh my mum slapped me twice in my life. I deserved it both times. I remember that event to this day and I know that what I was doing was wrong and it was a wakeup call. Hopefully she will too.

Also there is different slapping. I know that sounds mad but I was hit a lot as a child and it would be for stupid stuff like not eating my dinner.

I regret smacking mine once in temper and did it out of control but not when they ran in the road at 2 as they never did it again.

I think you were wrong to slap her, but you felt pushed to the end of your tether. You need to sit down and talk with her - and apologise for what happened (it's not okay to hit just because you feel overwhelmed). It sounds to me as if she may have taken your 'conversation with your younger child about why you have to try hard' as a veiled lecture towards her, and therefore got angry and interrupted. You could maybe talk about how you both felt. Sorry if this sounds a bit preachy, it's not meant to. I can remember as a teenager when my mum lost her temper with me (though not hitting) and i was really surprised as i hadn't realised she was getting cross - teenagers are very blinkered about these things...

I did wonder later whether she wasn't worried about her own results, although she is a straight A/A* student. Maybe that's why she reacted like that. It never even occurs to me that she may feel inadequate academically.

Well, you are upset and fretting about it, which shows you care, so it's all fixable.

But to my mind it doesn't sound as if she was being that bad.

It sounds as if you were wound up and frazzled from delay in post office, and worried about other child's non-revision. But all she did was call to see where you were - she may well have been worried, 10 mins is reasonably late for a pick-up from school. The bag / buggy incident is teenage ittitating stuff - but teenage girls do get v tired after a day at school (I did!) all you had to do was laugh and say 'you push' - not seethe. In the discussion YOU felt undermined, but her pov from a 16 yo is an interesting discussion about the differnce between achievement and effort. You were defensive, and saw it as an 'authority' thing - she was seeing it as a discussion.

Or maybe she feels her siblings need sticking up for?

Have a think about how you talk with her now she is almost an adult (while being at that half adult / half child stage).

Slapping her was completely OTT, not warranted, and you need to admit that to her and apologise.

I hope you can talk it thorugh with her - tell her how it feels when she dumps her bag for your to push - don't seethe, explain to her how it makes you feel. Explain how you felt concerned that she was undermining you, but acknowledge that in principle her point is a valid discussion. Bt apologise unreservedly for hitting her, if you want any improveent in your relationship.

Oh I have already apologised. You can't take a thing like that back though. Apologising doesn't help in that respect.

Thank you all, you are helping a lot. Beagle, I think you're right in your analysis, along with a little fear on her part about her own upcoming GCSEs. Wolf, I think she must have known that I was cross when I stopped the car and asked if she wanted to walk, but nothing would surprise me of teenagers frankly.

Apologising makes a HUGE difference to her, though, and is the difference between toxic parenting and / or abuse, and the actions of a loving caring parent who occasionally loses it - but is seen to be strong enough and human enough to admit they were wrong.

You sound as if you have your hands v full - do you get much chance to talk with her on her own? I remember having terrible blow-ups with my Mum, me being teen-ish, she being at the end of her various tethers - but we had lots of time to talk too, so we didn't become isolated from each other.

Can you find time to re-assure her that you do recognise her hard work and efforts in gaining A/A*, but you love and admire her whatever?

I told her I was utterly out of order and that nobody should EVER hit her. That much I learned from my own childhood. That's why it's so gutting that I resorted to the same tactic. It's the fact that she waited till we were nearly home to start chipping in again so that I couldn't use the making her walk threat, that made me flip. If I'd been thinking straight, I'd have driven a mile away from home again and asked her to walk from there.

I do acknowledge and tell her how proud I am that she works so hard at school, but I think she feels that she is disproportionately rewarded vs her lazy underachieving brother. I think she is worried about her results.

I do have a lot on my plate at the moment, I have a full-time job and some unexpected childcare problems at the moment. I do think that she's old enough to understand and help a bit instead of being more teenaged than usual.

my sympathy is entirely with your children. sounds like you were yapping on and stressing everyone out.

Thank you for your very helpful drive-by, Bitch. I'm sure you're a lot better at managing bad days.

you seem really un self aware. sorry if i seem harsh but you were stressed running late and taking it out on them. she did not deserve a slap. a 15 year old straight out of school needs some down time not a ranting resentful mother.

as for the poster who thinks she deserved a slap...

Do you have teenagers, DB? I find the only time we get to talk is in the car. Maybe I was unusually ranty yesterday but most often we have very good and positive conversations in transit.

Well you clearly mean me DBitch so go ahead.

crap mothertoateen - you had a shitty day and didn't react in the best way but no one is perfect, not even DBitch and you have apologised. One thing has occurred to me and that is if your dd id naturally very bright does she feel she gets less praise for doing well?

All my children are equally bright, in very different ways, 44. The only difference between them in terms of achievement is in application, hence my rant in-depth conversation about the importance of revising to child 3. DD1 is the most applied of them by a long chalk. She is amazingly organised and focused as well. I think that she probably doesn't feel she gets enough recognition for her hard work, although we give her things that we expect her brother to work for and buy himself - eg laptop, mobile phone, in recognition of the huge amount of effort she puts into her schoolwork. Unfortunately her brother did pretty well at GCSEs (2 A*, 5 As, 2 Bs and a C) despite doing very little work and I think she is worried she won't do better despite doing lots of work.

I see my dd and ddil, sitting on there hands and rocking when my lill darlin grandaughters start kicking off, It won't have done her any harm, I bet you feel worse than she dose, you will not have ruined your relationship. [ she might think twice before she trys to shout you down again]

I get the application thing. DD is like me, very bright and it comes easily to her. Her older brother is also bright but less confident and also doesn't love school like DD does so I think he might not reach his full potential. DS2 has surprised us how bright he is. He is my youngest so never did a lot with him as I knew he was my last child and would be off to school before I knew it. He is in year 1 and racing up the reading chart scarily fast.

No-one deserves to be slapped. She was sticking up for her siblings because you were being cruel to them by making your love conditional on their academic prowess. If you can't help slapping someone you need professional help. Hands don't "just reach out" of their own accord and no-one deserves to be slapped. I can't believe people are defending your awful actions. You have an anger management problem.

PMT? We all lose it at some stage. Dont beat yourself up. She overstepped the mark.

rina- "making my love conditional on their academic success?" I rather think that was DD1's angle. Actually I was telling them they had to work hard. My point was that if DD2 wasn't going to work hard at said subject (eg laughing off being put in lower set because she hadn't revised), the least she could do was do well at the exam (which her brother did). Fail to see how expecting them to work at school could be deemed to be cruel. I have never made my love conditional on their results because I know exactly what that feels like. I do expect them to put in the effort though. Hence perennial exasperation with DS who does the bare minimum and whose results are beginning to reflect that.

2ndhandrose- sadly wrong time of the month. cannot be pmt.

Well, that's what she thought you were doing. You were obviously upsetting everyone which is why she wanted you to stop. Stop comparing them to one another, it's not healthy and they obviously dislike it. And I see that you've sidestepped me pointing out that you are a danger to your family and need professional help.

rinabean - you can't possibly know what the OP's daughter was thinking.

Interesting diagnosis from the other side of the internet, rina. You don't know anything about me except what I've told you. Did you miss the bit where I said I have NEVER slapped her before? Or do you think I am concealing a whole catalogue of abuse and just picked on one incident to come and spout about on here for some twisted reason?