Please help me deal with DD14. Don't know what to do for the best.

[purepurple]

DD was 14 in September, in Yr9 and has a complete personality chnage.
She used to be caring, funny, friendly, considerate but now just ignores us, is taking my things and has no motivation.
She is always late for school, never does her homework, and has played truant.
She has been caught smoking in her room on more than one occassion, she has been drinking.
She even left home over Christmas, leaving a note in her room saying that she didn't like living at home.
We managed to sit down and discuss everything, but it got messy with me and DH falling out, which made her worse.
A couple of weeks ago she was caught shop-lifting in town and I have had to pay a fine. It's like she wanted to get caught, £100 from Primark is a lot of stuff.
She seems to be suffering from really low self esteem, which is so out of character for her, but her teachers have all said she is capable but doesn't try and rarely speaks in class.
I have taken her to the GP who was fantastic and gave her some contact numbers for people to talk to. I requested counselling at school and this has now been started. She also has mentoring meetings with her form tutor who is very supportive.
I just don't know how to support her. She can be fine one minute but a complete nightmare the next.
I recently recieved a follow up call from the youth offending team but don't really know what they can offer.
Sorry for the long ramble but hopefully someone who is in the same position will be able to give me a bit of support or words of wisdom.

Hi, i feel your pain!
Actually i'm sitting here with my own DD14, who's being lovely at the moment .

what are her friends like?

sounds like shes depressed for some reason shes not just not happy at home or school the shoplisfting taking so much maybe she was crying out for help? id ask for the gp to chat with her maybe (i dont condone tablets) but maybe she needs something for the depression and sent ger to CAMHS thats child and mental health service where they can get her to open up to someone on her level she sounds bless her that she needs it, in mean time id sit her down on yr own not the two of you as that might feel like ganging up and actually have a cry about it in front of her maybe she will become sympathetic and want a hug it could open the floodgates and she might let it all out whats bothering her , deffinateley ask GP for referal to CAMHS though ASAP ...HTH

am in almost the same position as you....dd is 14....currently on a 3 day school exclusion . also recently had a YOT follow up phone call....not sure,but been told they are the best help

we now have a family worker from ss....dd had been violent in the home towards siblings

the smoking i have ignored,cut her money,but after telling her how i felt,i then ignore ignore ignore....its not in the house. she seems to be losing interest in it

dd has been put on the pill by gp....dont know,seen a slight shift in mood,so maybe its working.

dd has got in with a bad group of friends....she mimicks their bad behaviour. truanting,lateness.....but most shocking for me is her rudeness to teachers!!

alot of us here going through this kind of thing!

Thanks for you replies, don't have time to answer, but didn't want to look like your advice has ben ignored. Will post back tomorrow.

Purplepurple - we have had a terrible time with our son from the age of 13 1/2 onwards with truanting, school exclusions (in the early part of year 11 which may affect his college applications), violent behaviour, cannabis and alcohol.

I really can't offer you any advice but just tough it out - in the last 6 months my son's behaviour at school and at home has improved 75% but after saying this he did get caught shoplifting and he brought cannabis in to the house one night and this has only happened in the last month.

He seems to be replacing one set of behaviours which another set. First it was truanting, then bad behaviour leading to 4 school exclusions and then the criminal behaviour.

Unless there are any underlying causes for her behaviour (family problems, divorce etc) - by the way we had none, unfortunately you just have to wait until they mature a little bit. It is really tough but you have to take one day at a time.

Actions have to have consequences and you have to have boundaries in place and stick to them all the time - that's the best advice I can offer even though my son continued with his bad behaviour.

My son his hanging round with a bad crowd who seem to have no boundaries and can do what they like. Hopefully once he leaves school and starts afresh he will improve.

Hi,
I pregnant with my first at the moment and so don't have any experience with children. BUT I am only 20, at university and can relate a bit more to your daughters age group.

Every single teenagers goes through this, but between 14-17 the amount of GCSE's you get can shape your future. There three categories of friends from my school, those of us at uni who did well, those who did practical courses like hairdressing and carpentry and the ones that live on the local estate with 15 kids.

Me and my cousin are at school in the same year and we both took very different paths with this rebeliiousness. She got in with a bad crowd, smoking drinking, expelled etc and ended up pregnant at 15.
I was at army cadets. Even though that doesn't sound very naughty, I still was away from my family practically every weekend doing stuff two nights a week. I barely used to speak to my parents between about 14 and 16, but now me and my mum are best friends. It just gave me a place away from my mum and dad and allowed me to be rebellious because they hated me never being in the house, but there were much worse things i could of been doing.

Suggesting activities you like won't interest her.You need to look at something contemporary like street dance. something that's 'cool' but will provide a focus that will take up so much time you'll both get enough space and so get on better. Since these programmes are run by 'adults' misbehaviour in school can result in being banned for a certain period of time with input from both sides. My army cadet instructor was firm saying weekends could only be attended with good grades from school and parents permission!

Hope that helps, give her something to focus on!