How much freedom for a 13 year old?

[notahotel]

Hi - this is my very first post so please be gentle! DS is 13 and seems to have quite a wide social circle - some are schoolfriends but others are local 'friends of friends' met on Facebook - all of his own age. He wants to be allowed to meet people in town and go to friends' houses, but some of the things he says/we overhear make us feel uncomfortable about what sort of situations he's going to experience. Are we being overprotective? I know it's not reasonable to expect to meet all his friends and their families as he grows up. We always encourage him to invite people to our house but he often doesn't want to. What sort of boundaries should we set him? Thanks in advance for your suggestions.

I would let him go to town during the day, but only with friends known to you, and only if you see them leave together (ie not just him saying he will meet them there). And that is only if you trust him 100% to be responsible.

If you are getting a feeling that something is dubious, it's a no.

What sort of thing are you overhearing that makes you uncomfortable? I would be extremely wary if you suspect that shop-lifting/other unsavoury activity is planned.

What does he say when you talk to him?

Thanks - that's good advice about insisting on meeting friends before letting him go out with them - it sounds so obvious now! I do trust what he's getting up to in town - he knows right from wrong in terms of shop-lifting, etc. and he's also good about letting me know where he is and if he's going to be late. It's hard to say what's making me uncomfortable - I think it's more that feeling that some families don't share your values, if you know what I mean. I know he watched a horror DVD at one house, and he also mentioned that another friend's mother was going to buy alcohol for her daughter and a friend to drink at home - not when my son was actually there. Both of these things ring alarm bells for me. He does talk to me alot so maybe I get to hear more than some other parents!

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your son to meet his friends. My son doesn't visit houses that I don't know. Soon our boys (mine is 12 and a half) will be less and less open with us so I think at this age it's our last chance to have some influence on who they choose to befriend. I'd never go for, "you can't see that lad because ..." but like Cat64 I would try and prepare him to do whatever your standards dictate.

Talk and talk and talk again. Discuss with your DS and build shared values. We work so arent always able to meet all families. However by talking DS knows what our family values are and he is able to decide if he shares them.

Thanks, everyone - your advice is so sensible! I'll certainly keep talking with him, and I really like the idea of helping him work out strategies for how he might respond in difficult situations, so he's prepared in advance.