DD very upset- not sure how to handle it.

[BrigitBigKnickers]

DDs Great Grandmother (my granny) died today. She was 92 and had had senile dementia for a long time. She has been in hospital for the past month and has been hanging by a thread for two weeks. It's been so sad seeing her waste away- I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My poor mum, not in the best of health, has been there every day and to be honest it's such a relief that she is finally at peace.

We have been to see her quite a few times at the hospital (although to be honest not sure she knew who we were or that we were even there). Both DH and I have been gently preparing both DDs for the inevitable.

My Dad phoned a short while ago and told me. I told the DDs as gently as I could. DD2(12) seemed sad but not surprised and showed concern for my mum (her granny)but DD 1 (14) seemed utterly horrified as if it was the last thing she expected.

She has shouted and ranted at me saying how could I just tell her that and is in floods of tears.

Have been up several times to talk to her but she screams for me to go away.

I seriously don't know how to handle it?
Any advice?

Bump

First I am sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how old the person or how expected the death it is still a shock.

Without wanting to sound harsh, is your DD a bit of a drama queen? Is this her first experience of death in the family? Is she just trying to work out her own way of showing how sad she is and gone a bit OTT?

My lovely god daughter is a bit like this about everything and her mum just leaves her to get on with it and then has a chat and a cuddle when she has calmed down.

no advice I'm afraid as my dc are yet to experience the death of a close relative - my granny died when ds1 was 18 months old so he didn't really notice

is this the first time she's had to come to terms with death? it might be that she's been blocking out the reality and now it's hit her with a bump

it also sounds a bit like teenage self-absorption - as you know, she is the centre of the universe and no-one else's feelings are as important as hers - and almost enjoying being at the centre of her own little drama

Personally, I'd leave her alone for a while - she will come out of it when she's ready

I hope the rest of you are feeling ok

I think at 14 girls are much more prone to throwing themselves around and being upset at any sort of news so some really sad news like this is bound to upset and become abit of a drama. Let her settle, cry etc and when she is calmer go in for the cuddles and chat. Sorry for your loss, i watched my nanny waste away and its truely awful x

Thanks for your responses.
She can be a bit of a drama queen it's true and I think you are right when you say she hasn't really faced up to the fact GGranny was very close to death.

i totally understand a my three Dc aged 7 12 13 at the time their nan died ,my mum id lived with her and looked after her till i got married at 32 and she moved in the next street as had a lot of health problems and watched over her and as she visited 4 times a week she was like a second mum to my Dc's all three were obviously very upset when she died but my DD was the worst she screamed and cried constantly and stopped going to school she was so depressed she stoped all her friends comming over and all her hobbies and two clubs she had been in for years , then depression set in i just gave her lots of love hugs ect and kept talking about nan and reminding her of all the happy times we had had one day she wouldnt go to school and stood screaming i want my nanny in her bedroom i thought my heart would break, nothing but time is what will get you through this time and a lot of love and comforting , next id try taking her shopping lunch out together and eventually re joining in with friends and hobbies clubs ect we had pets umpteen hamsters a rabbit cats and dogs over the years the smaller animals are not significant and they dont really morn but she was very upset when our dog died she had since she was born that was awful but still no comparison to the berevement exp by yr closest relatives dying i was never this upset when my own nan died but i only saw her a couple times a year where as my daughter saw her all the time and she was very close as i say like a second mum it really will get better though i promise

btw i think everyones being a bit harsh its not being a drama queen its one of those things everyone reacts to differently you may be fine now but 6 months down the line go into depression yourself thats how berevement is but if things dont improve over the next week or so go to yr gp and ask to see a brevement coucilor they are very good halso it may be that although she may seem quite grown up and she knew she was going to die people block out things they dont want to believe to protect themselves if it hurts too much denial is quite normal at this stage too hth and take care of yourself

Last year my brother in law died the day before dds 14th birthday. They were very close. It was not unexpected as he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. DD was away on a school trip returning home on her birthday. The first thing she said was how was her uncle. I couldn't tell her in front of her schoolfriends so said we would talk about it later but how was the trip? When we got home I told her. She sobbed and sobbed and said how her birthday was ruined. It is tough! I just cuddled her and we talked about the things we would remember about him (she had lots of good memories!) There has been several occasions since then when she has got very upset about it, including the funeral. Each time I tell her it is ok to be upset, we are all sad about it. I think she has appreciated us talking about it. She also wrote a list of things that she would miss that were important to her and gave it to my sister. She has seen all of us crying over this and I think she know understands it is OK to be upset. This is the first time that she has experienced death in the close family. My brother in law had 11 weeks from diagnosis it really wasn't a very long time for any of us to get our heads around it. But each of us grieve in a slightly different way. Some like to talk, others prefer to be on their own. Remember a teenager's hormones will make any situation worse.