teenage girl/young adult

[blondiemoments]

We have a nearly 20 year old daughter who we are at the end of our tether with. She refuses to tidy her bedroom, collect up her washing once a week, do any chores around the house like feed the pets, or pay any board (very hit and miss, mainly miss). She works full time has a boyfriend (who stays over occasionally) and runs a car. We feel the relationship has gone down hill between us. She has always refused to tidy her room, but recently was drunk and sick in her room. Her father discovered this when he had to search in her room for my phonecharger..which she "borrows" and never returns. She wont talk with us, just sits and makes faces, or agrees to things and goes back on them. I'm really sad about how our relationship has changed over the last two years, but, feel unable to take much more. We feel she has made us the enermy. When I was ill recently and bedridden, she never bothered to check on me, even though she was at home in the day. sorry I have typed do much..:(
if anyone can help...please...

This sounds truly grim. She has all the rights and very few responsibilities at the moment.. is she earning enough to move out?

She does sound awful. What things do you do for her? I would stop them straight away. And explain that you are simply not going to put up with it any more - if she does not comply with basic standards by x date, she can move out. I would be insisting on regular payment for bed & board, and no more "borrowing" things, s a basic level of expectation.

She is adult and in paid employment: I would get her to sign a contract on regular payment and behaviour, and warn her that if she won't/doesn't stick to it she will have to leave.

this is hard. my dd is like that at times. Your dd should be paying you some housekeeping and needs to deal with the carpet and clear up her room.

do you cook for her or do her washing?

Thank you for your replies. I am at such a loss. I used to do her washing when she would bring it down. I did at first allow her to use the washing machine, but she over filled it so much it sounded like it was going to break. So, I banned her. I stopped doing her washing a few weeks ago, but she just buys new clothes or does it somewhere else, or even doesn't bother. There are piles and piles of clothes in her room at the moment, plus glasses and plates.
She isn't often here for meals, but will have breakfast and the odd meal from leftovers or cook cheese on toast.
Her car needs a mot and insurance in a few weeks, which I know she has not saved up for. Her dad has tried to suggest putting in in early so he can help her get parts and do some work on the car himself to save her money...but, so far no joy.
what to do for best is beyond us at the moment.
Thank you again for your advice..

She is 20 leave her room to her. Let her use the washing macjine again and tell her she needs to pay some rent. don't help her with her car it's her responsibility and as she is in full time employment she should pay for it herself.
DD2 is 21 and in her 2nd year at uni she was a bit like your DD when she was at home before going to uni. We didn't charge her rent as she wasn't earning any money but she had to do her own washing, We also wanted her to apply for JSA which she kept refusing to do unil DH said he wouldn't do anything for her ( EG driving her to uni interviews or support her at uni) until she did, He also said she could leave if she didn't like our rules. She did then apply for JSA and tried hard to find a job

im 20! a single mum with my own house and her behaviour sounds vile, tough love is needed here she sounds like she needs to learn the hard way

I wouldn't bother helping her so much, it might be enabling her to be this lazy and thankless. Suggest she moves out, at least for a while. See how she likes living in a house share where the other inhabitants aren't as thoughtful as you! Let her buy her own bog roll.

That is so sad. Poor you.

This is quite an obvious thing to say, and I expect you have tried it,but have you sat down with her (invite her for supper one day she is free to come/ be there) and talked to her about how you are feeling? Tell her how very much you love much and how you have such hopes for her, and that is why it makes you so very sad and ashamed even when she doesn't seem to take other people's feelings into account eg the not visiting you in bed when you were ill - that is worse than not tidying her room as it implies a lack of care and basic humanity. Ask her if she is happy and ask her to think about whether she is being the kind of person she wants to be and can be, and if not then how you can help her to be that person. Ask her as well if there is anything wrong..... perhaps she is depressed or upset about something.

Incidentally, when you banned her from using the washing machine, you were infantilising her. Instead you should tell her your concerns and explain reasonably that if she breaks the machine she will be arranging, waiting in for, and paying, the dishwasher repair man.

Her room: shut the door and wait for her to realise it is not a nice way to live. The boyfriend who comes round occasionally might say something to her eventually.

Seriously, let her worry about her own car.

Thank you again everyone. It's such a relief to be able to talk..thought I was going insane. We have tried on numerous accasions to chat with her. I finally wrote everything down and she did open up a tiny bit yesterday. But, we had arranged to meet up today and she hasn't turned up....
The bedroom thing.....I do try to close the door and hope that eventually she comes round...but, after 7 years plus, my hopes are dashed.
as for the washing machine...i had only just bought it after the other one was misused by my daughter and the older one...hence I wasn't prepared to have this one damaged as well...and \i know she wouldn't have stayed in...she would have been in bed asleep and not heard the door...:(...
been there so many times...I asked the neighbour to be a contact for a delivery because my daughter wouldn't get up to answer the door the first time..
thank you again everyone...this is keeping me going...just...:)