Cant cope. stealing

[piebald]

almost 15 year old son was caught shoplifting with another boy about 18months ago. He apologised to the shopkeepers and was grounded etc for a while and that was that, until £10 went missing from his best friends room when only my boy had been there, they said if it hadnt been for previous they wouldnt have blamed him. He denies it but very good friendship is now over. Since then we have struggled smoking drinking bad at school etc. Today he has been caught stealing from local supermarket only a tiny thing (10p worth)but automatic life ban from there they kindly didnt call police. It is a small place and he will be labelled now.
I dont know what to do anymore hitting my head off brick wall, he has no sense or direction or conscience I cannot seem to get through to him. Now need to give major punishment including cancelling weekend away all for sake of a chomp bar which is a minor piece in a bigger problem. Am worried he will just go off edge as he mey think might as well be be hung for a sheep as a lamb
Everytime i think things are getting better he does something stupid--i hate being a parent, feel like jumping of the edge myself

piebald, it's a horrible situation. My son only steals from me, which is probably 'better' than stealing for other people, but still feels totally sh-t. And I know just what you mean about the worry he might go off on one cos of 'hung for sheep' syndrome - that's a particular favourite of my son's. I feel really, really powerless not to be able to stop him, and sad that he doesn't stop himself, though he knows stealing is wrong.

No 'punishment' seems to work, though I have tried just about everything you can think of. Basically, my response now is to stop his allowance until the amount he's stolen is paid back, and to say (pretty much using these words) "You know stealing is wrong. Maybe I can't stop you, but it's still wrong. You need to stop yourself".

One of the most comforting things I have ever read re. parenting teens came from a great book (the only good teen-parenting book, IMHO!) called "Get out of my life... but first take me and Kevin into town". It says that, as the parent of a teen, you have to get used to losing battles and being unable to stop them doing things you think are wrong, but it's important to keep on telling them what you think is wrong. In the end, teens grow up and absorb the moral message, even if they act like idiots in the short-to-medium term. I hope that book is right!! :D

You are right flow4 punishment dosent seem to affect him
I have just bought that book (although its alex not kevin in mine )Better get reading
Thanks Maryz, i dont think its drugs, I am trying to turn around punishment cycle and make a positive while i have the xbox unplugged and encourage some hobbies, in fact i almost feel like i am rewarding him! Probably got it all the wrong way round
Thanks for the support both of you

I don't think there is a 'right' or 'wrong' way round, piebald: teens don't come with an instruction manual, and we have to find the strategies that work with our particualr teens and suit our particular families. If it feels like it's working, it's worth a try. Good luck!

Other teenagers I know have stolen/steal as a way of getting attention. DS1 started stealing from me, but he & 2 mates visited a friend at the w/e and the money his dad had left out for the cleaner went missing. I found the empty envelope in the car they came back to our house in . He/they use(s) the money to buy cannabis. When he first started, it was for cigarettes.

I was caught shop lifting with a friend when I was a teenager. We were taken to police station, my parents where at a wedding so I had 5 hours to stew in a cell until they came for me. I never ever stole again.

I had a friend who's 13 yr old DD was stealing from friends and parents. They phoned police station, explained situation, made an appointment with police officer and took DD down to see him. He gave her a right rollicking, explained where stealing would get her, what would happen if someone prosecuted her etc. Frightened her to death, she hasn't done it since, this was 12 months ago. This was strictly off record, and police wanted to help parents get her to see what she was doing.

Maybe you could consider this?