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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

We've all heard about child abuse, but what about *parent* abuse??

47 replies

flow4 · 02/03/2011 13:44

Sometimes I feel like a victim of domestic abuse by my own child. If anyone else treated me the way he does, I would throw them out of my house and they'd never come back. But you can't do that with your own child, can you? We've all heard of child abuse... But parent abuse?? No-one really talks about that, do they? Maybe this is the 'last taboo'...

I'm sitting here feeling ashamed and guilty and miserable because of the way my son is behaving. After all, I have brought him up, so if he's behaving badly, that must be my fault, right?! Oh I know that's not logical, but it's how it feels.

He's 15, he's bigger and stronger than me, I'm a single parent, and so I'm the person around to dump on when he's angry and frustrated. Here's just a random sample of things that I have found especially upsetting or difficult to deal with:

  • Stealing from me
  • Calling me a b-tch and c-nt, esp in front of other people
  • Punching holes in walls/kicking through a door panel
  • Barricading me out of my own bedroom when I tried to walk away from an argument and go to bed
  • Taking and hiding my PC monitor because I confiscated his TV

Anyway, I thought I'd post this and see whether there's anyone else out there who feels like this. Maybe there's a lot of this 'parent abuse' out there, but we're just not talking about it much. Maybe we can break the taboo...

OP posts:
shirley1973 · 18/02/2016 19:26

I have been abused by my son since he was 13 years old he is now 25 and still abusing me. he has put me in hospital twice, i have been knocked out cold sevral time, with him either punching me or hitting me with something. He has been imprisoned for his actions two years ago, But he still treats me like dirt, always puts me down . yet i have gave him everything i possibly could in life , nice clothes , holidays, he has his own lat to live in , but still always wants wants wants from me, he expects me to pay his bills, when i say no to anything he just goes into a rage is totally uncontrolable. i am at my wits end , i tried getting help years ago but he always refused. i eel i have nothing left to live for now, i just don know whitch way to turn, i feel lost and ashamed of what i have brought up, he has no respect for me. the older he is getting the more violent he is. it happens to often now and its been going on too many years, i live in fear. sooner or later he will kill me.

shirley1973 · 18/02/2016 19:26

I have been abused by my son since he was 13 years old he is now 25 and still abusing me. he has put me in hospital twice, i have been knocked out cold sevral time, with him either punching me or hitting me with something. He has been imprisoned for his actions two years ago, But he still treats me like dirt, always puts me down . yet i have gave him everything i possibly could in life , nice clothes , holidays, he has his own lat to live in , but still always wants wants wants from me, he expects me to pay his bills, when i say no to anything he just goes into a rage is totally uncontrolable. i am at my wits end , i tried getting help years ago but he always refused. i eel i have nothing left to live for now, i just don know whitch way to turn, i feel lost and ashamed of what i have brought up, he has no respect for me. the older he is getting the more violent he is. it happens to often now and its been going on too many years, i live in fear. sooner or later he will kill me.

ImperialBlether · 18/02/2016 19:33

Shirley, is there any way you could move away to somewhere he couldn't find you?

fakenamefornow · 18/02/2016 19:40

Is there anyway he could access this Shirley?

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-35591041

fakenamefornow · 18/02/2016 19:41

Or maybe better still move, as imperial suggests

shirley1973 · 18/02/2016 20:39

I have no where to move to my 18 year old daughter is due her baby in a matter of weeks she lives with me . I've suggested to my daughter for me to sign over house in her name and I move away where I don't know. I feel I'm at my lowest as he abused me again just Tuesday of this week wreaked my house and chocked me with a pole rammed into my neck. I fear for my daughter and her unborn child too . Just don't know where to go . Feel there is only one way to end it take the cowards way out or wait for the day for my son to kill me

shirley1973 · 18/02/2016 20:39

I hope not

Thornrose · 18/02/2016 20:47

That's really shocked me. My dd has been physically abusive to me. There are reasons (not excuses) for her behaviour which make me feel I can't walk away.

It's still soul destroying and eats away at me. Your situation sounds horrendous. Is there anyone in your life who knows this is going on? Is his dad around?

Honestly I think you need to find some way to get him out of your life.

ImperialBlether · 18/02/2016 20:50

I thought you might find it easier to move than to report every single incident to the police. If you can't move, you simply have to go down the police route. You can't live like that.

choccyp1g · 18/02/2016 20:51

Bumping this as I recognise some of the posters from years ago, who have actually come through this and may be able to give some practical advice.
All I can offer is sympathy.

GiveHerEffervescence · 18/02/2016 20:57

Does your son see his dad or have regular contact with an adult male? It's really important for teenage boys to have positive male role models in their life. Sports coach, scout leader Etc. Read the book Raising Boys

CharleyDavidson · 18/02/2016 20:58

Shirley, if he's done it again this week, you need to report him to the police again for it. It sounds like it's the only way for you to be safe.

Thornrose · 18/02/2016 21:00

He's 25, no longer a teenager!

shirley1973 · 18/02/2016 21:10

He has lifted his hands to other family members too. His dad has been in and out his life . I have brought my family up on my own . The dad has never had much of a realionship he was violent too. He knows what my son has done to me and other family . Never has any involvement . I only have two other family members they are scared too

knaffedoff · 18/02/2016 21:15

I second contacting parentline, I grew up with a sibling who has been physically abusive and confrontational to my parents and with me. I am told no one listened or took notice of the abuse endured, schools and GPS not supportive. My sibling continues to be manipulating and abusive. I am not in contact any longer, I am sure many teenagers grow out of it, but some don't!

Thornrose · 19/02/2016 00:26

Is your dd scared of him too? Listen, you need to call the police and report this latest incident.

shirley1973 · 19/02/2016 14:14

We are all scared of him . He has been violent to the only family members we have . Has no respect for anyone. If things don't go his way then hell breaks loose. It's a nightmare that I'm never waking up from .

Clare1971 · 19/02/2016 15:59

Shirley, Would you contact Women's Aid? I know he's your son and not partner but I know of at least one women who received good advise from them about her violent adult son. You could also try social services since there is an unborn baby at risk. As hard as it is, can you stop seeing him as your son and start seeing him as a violent adult male? This isn't your fault in any way, shape or form.

duffus · 20/02/2016 17:46

HI
I Have had the most horrendous time with my son( now 15). he started to abuse me from around 4. I have reported his behaviour time and time again. there is limited support and all they kept saying was that I had to put in more boundaries. have felt a complete failure for years. im a single parent. dad does not pay a penny towards my son and never has. he went to live in Denmark when csa caught up with him!! things got particularly bad at xmas. he hit my head of kitchen cupboard and also was very violent. the answer to this was to phone police. im not sure if people in the social work have been on domestic violence training. people go through violence and will not report it to police until it really becomes a life and death situation. my son is also involved with drugs and I reported this to the school last year. he finally has a support worker(male) but only for half hour a week!! its been a very long road. I would like to set up a helpline/website for parents struggling like I have. I watched' My Violent Child' on channel 5 and I knew then I wasn't alone. x

Travelledtheworld · 21/02/2016 08:08

flow4 haven't see you in this forum for ages but you posted lots of helpful stuff a couple of years ago. Sorry you are having problems. No advice really but Flowers.

duffus · 14/03/2016 18:18

Hi Flow4
Just to say you are not alone. I've experienced violence from my son from a young age. I've been to school,social services and police. It s horrendous. You get put from pillar to post from services as no one wants to deal with the fact that your child is attacking you, the thing is it is being recognised now, I watched a channel 5 program,my violent child. Really interesting and it made me think we really are not alone. It's a hidden epidemic in society. Hope you get the help you need. Xx

wannabestressfree · 14/03/2016 18:47

Ladies this is so sad and horrifying..I went through similar as maryz knows with a severely mentally ill child. He hit me, attacked me with a carving knife, the list is endless. It ended with a lengthy section... and we are out the other side now.

Shirley for your daughters sake I would be calling the police and dealing with this. No more. Let your grandchild be in a place of safety. What a coward your son is.... you deserve so much better. Ring them. Get a restraining order. Do whatever it takes.

Duffus your another. Next time phone the police and refuse to have him back. Stand firm..you have too.

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