Lazy 13 yo Boy

[Wysiwig]

I have a 13 yo son, who is incredibly lazy. I am a lone parent and work full time. Now, I don't see why I should do everything and he does nothing, so today I didn't make his breakfast (porridge) or his packed lunch. I also had no intention of making him dinner (he was at a friends so that didn't work out). I am not going to wash his clothes or give him money to go out either. The way I see it is that he is way old enough to help around the house (but chooses not to) and I don't see why I should act as a waitress/valet/chef when there is no appreciation whatsoever. There are kids out there who are young carers, caring for parents who may be disabled etc. They have to do EVERYTHING, now I'm not suggesting my son does everything at all, but I'm fed up with being taken for granted. Am I being too harsh?

Maryz, I have done so much talking,think that's why I'm so fed up! Don't really expect his standards to be same as mine, and TBH wouldn't really expect him to do his washing. I'm hoping he sees sense before he does run out of clothes! But I hear what you say, just thought a SSS might do the trick

Hmm I like the sound of highlighters, and the onemealaday approach.

How much is pocket money these days? I tend to dish out money on an as and when basis (within reason).

Think I'll start a new thread..pocket money..need to gather as much information before I go to the board room

I'm going to nick Maryz highlighter idea - DS seems to be constantly channelling Kevin "why do I have to do everything? Its so unfair"

CC...is my son living with you?

I would love to just give up on doing it all but with 3 they spend more time arguing about whose turn it is to clear the table than actually doing the job - the only thing they do, other than be responsible for their own rooms and pets - though I have to 'remind' them to do the cleaning out.

If I just say I'm not doing it, then DD, youngest at 13, feels it's not fair on her, she will do the most to help, most likely one to pop to the shop or make me a cup of tea, but is both the youngest and only girl so I don't like to ask her to do too much.

I had 18 year old on the phone this morning asking me to drive over with a bike lock as he'd forgotten to take one when cycling to college!! I said 'no' and he practically slammed the phone down on me!

I would love to have a meal cooked for me once in a while. Even though I would end up clearing up!

btw I'm writing my PhD thesis and currently have 3 part time roles, but am at home most of the time, which doesn't help.

wysiwig - do you want him back? It will save me a fortune in food

Maryz, I pay a fortune every year to insure it so I could deduct an 'admin charge' (like the banks do) if we had to claim!

My issue with the youngest doing the most is more that she is the only girl so goes against all my feminist principles to ask too much of her - though I don't mind asking DS1 to do diy type stuff - I just say I'm not tall/strong enough which makes him feel like a man good

Cat64, I agree, it does seem harsh. Tonight I sat down with him and "together" we worked out a list of chores. It started with me writing down the running of the home and who did what. Mum had the starring role . To see it in writing was the key I think, as his name didn't feature at all (ok, maybe a cameo ). I have said that we will start next week. I am going to write it on a piece of flip chart paper (Maryz highlighter idea) and stick it up somewhere visible, as it will be applicable to all of us. I don't expect miracles or perfection (realist) just a certain willingness and appreciation of how a home is run and the work that goes into it.

Oh and the washing, Yea I agree that it's not economically viable to have one load consist of a pair of football socks

"Whoever comes first when they were called got first choice"

This is pure genius! I usually have a problem getting my DCs to the table, they are always to busy to eat.

Wysiwig, we have a white board. For each of us including DH and I, we write up what needs to be done each day or over the weekend. It helps the DCs see how much we adults do. They are still quite young and I wouldn't expect them to be responsible for cooking or washing but they do see that if they want us to sit and play a game with them, there'll be more chance if they help us with the jobs. It also helps them organise their time to fit their music practice, homework, room tidying etc in.

too busy

my husband still cant manage to find the washing basket....then wonders why his socks arent anywhere to be found...

Thanks peeps for all your ideas, the chart will go up the weekend (after a bit of tweeking) and we shall start next week:)

My DS is 12, he gets £20.00 a month pocket money, to earn this he has to
Clean rabbit out once a week, vacuum when I ask him to, clear plates after dinner every night, put dirty crocks in dishwasher, empty dishwasher, keep own room tidy, leave none of his stuff where dog can get to it and eat it. Take load of washing downstairs and put into washing machine and put powder and comfort in when I ask, take dry out or tumble dryer when I ask, take clean washing upstairs when I ask.

Sounds a lot but spread over a month it's not. I give him fair warning towards pocket money day if he has done enough jobs to earn money or not, if he hasn't he usually does make sure he makes up for it.

If he leaves anything lyingbround for dog to eat, he gets £1 deducted.

DD is 7 and she gets £15 a month if she has done enough to earn it.

They know these are the rules and never question them, as this is how it has always been. I always show my appreciation for there help, and tell them how proud I am of them. They want there money, so never complain about doing jobs.

Jayne..how long have you been doing this? I think this is m problem, I'm trying to implement this new idea on a 13 year old, so probably will be lots of teething problems:(

Since about age 9 for pocket money and chores, but DS is a really easy going lad, and because I have always carried through with promises and threats, he knows I mean what I say, which really does help.

It's not to late for you guys though, being consistent and following through is the key, as he will respect what you say as he knows you mean it.

You will have teething problems, ask him what he wants out of the situation, explain what you want and come to an agreement.

Be consistent and follow through again and again and again.

My 7yr DD knows the score as well, she knows I will follow through. She was a nightmare toddler and this was the only way I could handle her. She was very manipulative, if I waivered she took advantage, if I gave an inch she took a mile. She is the sort of child that if you offered a biscuit she would ask for two, if you offered three she would want four, if you said you would read one story she would want two, nothing was ever enough, so I put be foot down and remained firm and strong.

I do praise them both a lot and reward them, so it works both ways, if they have done extra voluntary jobs they get a bit extra pocket money. If they get good reports from school, or special praise from school, I praise them, tell them how proud I am and make sure they hear me telling nanny etc.
Works really well for us, they are both very very well behaved children who I would take any where and know they will make me proud.

My Ds refused to do anything around the house including clean up after himself & I stopped all pocket money. Not saying it worked but I didnt want him getting the message that being idle pays.