Ex raised fist to daughter

[sharon2609]

Hi sorry it's me again
Went to the school again today to have a follow up meeting about DD being bullied at school(think this has been contributing factor in her bad behaviour). This was on her fathers insistance. I was originally speaking to school on my own about it all , did not want her father involved as he has lots of issues..controlling,violent etc. He got involved and after meeting today DD was upset (she hates having to talk about it.
We were on our way out following route teacher had told DD to take us. Her father decided to take different route and daughter copped the hump as she thought we should go the way the teachers had said. Anyway her father shouted at her to go his way, she told him to shut up. He grabbed her and raised his fist. This was seen by a cleaner and reported it to head of year. The teacher phoned me this eveing to make sure DD was safe.
Now what do I do? I know she shouldn't have spoken to him like that (welcome to my world) but I dont know if her dad will be able to control himself if she is rude to him when he sees her alone.
Any advice please...I feel like I'm in a bad dream.

Hi Mary, thnakyou for replying. I cant talk to my ex...no one can . No one has ever been able to reason with him. I wish I could talk to Dd and have her listen as I feel she has brought this on herself. These are the results of HER behaviour. Wrong of him totally though. (Almost smiled to myself in an odd way as no one has ever told him to shut up). I dont know if I could trust him as he's a drinker and has hit /kicked me in the past and it has taken ALL my self control not to throttle her myself at times.
I wonder if it's worth talking to the school... I just dont know.

Thanks Mary, I think I'll have a chat with the school and like you say lodge my concerns with them....at least it's on record. I'm quite relieved that he was seen as he is so good at putting on a front to people.
DD has said she doesn't want to see her dad at the moment...probably scared of what he'll say to her. I'll go with what she wants...I've never been comfortable when she's with him due to his drink/drug taking.

One thing I would be very careful of is never to let your dd hear you say anything that suggests that "she brought it on herself" if your dh is violent. She is shortly to be a young woman: to be safe in her adult life she needs to know that it is never somebody else's fault if a man is violent.

If she gets in trouble at school through her own misbehaviour, by all means let her know you have no sympathy. But show her that you absolutely believe in zero tolerance when it comes to physical threats, that it doesn't matter what she said, noone has the right to raise their fist against her, and if they do then the sensible response is to get out of their lives, through the help of more responsible adults.

Thankyou Cory... We're having a really horrid time. I tried talking to her last night but she got really angry. Tried again this morning...I just said I'm here if you need me and yu must tell me if this EVER happens agin. She just clammed up. Have told the school...they're getting back to me.

My heart breaks for her. I know there's something going on in her head but she is a closed book. She has started counselling through the school. Has had one session but the counsellor didn't turn up for this week's appt.
I want to take us both away and start again. Her father has been a dark cloud over my head for years and now he's shadowing over my daughter. I been able to protect her when she was little but it's getting harder now.

Your daughter was doing as the teachers told her and behaving, your ex decided he knew better and used aggression and threatening behavior towards his own child.

No she shouldn't have been rude however look at the lovely example she has been set.

I can sort of understand your daughter getting angry and clamming up on you if you think 'she has brought this on herself. These are the results of HER behaviour'. Sorry but that is an apauling attitude to have towards her. She probably senses this.

There is no excuse for his behavior. None.. Ever.

Thankyou Mary. Sensible as always. I Was talking in general terms and was referring to her previous behaviour, in that if she keeps on speaking to people (me,friends) in such a bad way then she will get some sort of backlash (not physical). I'm not explaining myself very well.....she absolutely didn't deserve her fathers reaction...I know that......but was just thinking out loud really.
In this case she was somewhat justified in copping the hump. She was wound up in the meeting and I did try to encourage her not to be rude to the teachers.... Oh it's really hard to explain...Mary gets it.
This is the first time she has really witnessed any of her fathers real personality. She was 9 months old when he left.

It is a vicious circle...she's vile...people get cross...she gets viler.
I'm really trying hard to break this circle...am showing her loads of love ...ignoring all snotty behaviour remarks....we were doing really well til her father spoilt it.

She spoke briefly about it tonight and said she hates it when her dad keeps on and on and on about counselling.(he's training to be one..god help us).

I can understand how she feels as being with him for even the shortest amount of time is like having a very heavy counselling session.

I really really didn't mean that she brought her fathers reaction on herself and have not said this to her.

Sorry, hope I didn't upset you. It was a shock seeing that written but I understand what you mean.

You are right if she is being a vile teen she deserves proper ramifications.

You need to find the ones that work. Good luck!! Hopefully she will come out the other side sooner rather than later.

I don't know how many of them make it out of the teenage years as I am sure we all really want to drown/strangle them sometimes.

your ex sounds nasty glad to hear he is an ex even if you still have to maintain some contact.

I had a word with the school and they said they would escalate to their child protection officer...i haven't heard anything back yet. Dd seems to have settled a bit and we've had a nice evening.

Haven't heard from ex. I was expecting some sort of come back from him along the lines of DD's behaviour is all my fault.

Feel all jittery about it all.