DS not "being himself"

[theredhen]

I have a 12 yr old DS and last year we moved in with my partner of 2 years. DS is an only child and as I have no family, we have been quite insular, through nobodies fault. However, he has had regular contact with his Dad, although this hasn't always been as consistent as I would like.

I suppose what I am worrying about is that DP has 4 children and I feel that DS is a completely different child around them. He is the easiest boy on the planet when it is just us two, but he becomes "hard work" when the others are around, I don't see him at all as he is always off trying to keep their attention and it's impossible for me to talk to him alone. I've been having lots of doubts about whether moving in was a good idea recently and DS behaviour does bother me. I understand that he might "show off" in front of friends etc., but should he really still be doing it in front of children who he spends most of his free time with 8 months down the line?

I am putting in place some time for him and me to do things alone to try and help him. When I talk to him about it he says he is quite happy and loves having DP kids around, although he does things like hide his things (because they take his stuff without asking) and generally tries to keep the other kids attention all the time. Sometimes I hear the DSC trying to put him down and tell him that they are better than him and he just takes it, the only one he won't take it from is the little one aged 8. When I ask him about it, I tell him to not be afraid to be himself, to stand up for what he thinks is right and he is not here to entertain them, there is nothing wrong with having his own space and time without them. I would like to see him put in some boundaries so they don't just see him as the joker and the one to entertain them when they come. DSC all seem quite happy to not be joined at the hip to each other, but DS seems to always want the attention of one or two of them, at least.

Also, I find myself knowing a lot about DSC lives and have little chats with them about stuff. DP doesn't seem to engage at all with DS even though they do get time alone together when DSC aren't around. Again, DS doesn't seem unhappy with DP relationship but surely it should be better? Is it just that men are a bit rubbish like this? To be fair, I don't think he understands his kids school reports or knows all their friends names or where they live etc. I think I would know more about that for his children, than him. My ex has never really shown much interest in DS or done anything nice with him and I just wonder if DS thinks its normal? I don't want him to feel like that but I can't make his Dad be any different or his step Dad, it seems.

So, am I worrying uneccessarily?

I also wonder if I am just sad because I feel I had a lovely one to one relationship with DS before we moved in and I feel it has been taken away in one foul swoop. I feel a bit like I have lost my child and gained DP's children, and although they're pretty good kids, my priority has to be DS.

I also think I am / have been guilty of putting other peoples needs before my own in the past and wonder if this is what DS has learnt from me?

He has gone from being an only child to one of five overnight at the age of 12. The arrival of a new sibling is a huge change even to a toddler so imagine how it feels to a boy who also faces puberty and all that entails.
It actually sounds to me as though he is handling it reasonably well. It's only natural for him to want to make his mark with the others. I do think you need to keep an eye open for them treating him as a doormat or making fun, but everyone has to find a niche in such a large family and if he is comfortable being the joker then maybe that's his way of fitting in.
I wouldn't worry about your DP. Many dads take less interest in the details of their DCs lives, especially when there are more than one child. Has your son got any interest that DP could help with? What about driving him to football or helping with Maths homework?

A couple of times DP has helped him with maths homework, which is good, but DS doesn't really like much competitive sport whereas DP does.

Sometimes, I don't think that DP wants to bond with him but just "tolerates" him. Whereas I do make time to carve out with his children, to show an interest in what they are doing and participate. Not for hours on end but just a little while.

Do you think DS will ever really settle down and "be himself"? Is it normal for children from larger families to behave differently on their own than with their siblings?

I'm struggling a bit to understand exactly what you feel the problem is here? Do you think the DSCs think poorly of him? Are DPs children living with you full time or just around some of the time?

What are the ages of the step children? Are they around all the time? (Do they live with you?) Is your son growing?

12 is a tough age as the hormones are hitting. It is also harder to blend a family where there are children of mixed ages, its supposed to be easier if one family is older than the other.

How does your DP interact with his children? What does your son tell you? Do you have a chance to talk if only when giving him a lift? Does his school have any concerns? Have you spoken to them?

Admittedly in my family it is a running joke that if Mum was run over, Dad would struggle to know which schools the kids were in, never mind which years and classes.

Maybe a formal family meeting where you can all discuss rules and how people feel could help. It all depends on your family dynamic, but it will need working on.

You made me laugh out loud at that one mummytime!My husband might be the same.He loves his kids but when you have a largish family ,its difficult to carve out time for yourself,and husband loves reading.My youngest told my husband off the other day,because he went to her swimming lesson for the first time;she said every time she looked at him he was reading his kindle.That'll teach him!
My kids definately are naughtier around each other,than on their own.
Men sometimes need to be given specific things to do.Perhaps they could go and have their hair cut together,then go for coffee,somewhere like costas;something that doesn't involve sport.