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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

When can teenagers go abroad alone with friends?

24 replies

noddyholder · 26/02/2011 22:38

Ds is 16 he will be 17 in May.He and his friends think they are going to book flights hotels etc to spain and go away for a festival in july.He is a nightmare and v immature at the best of times and some of them drink heavily.I have said no and he has said I can't stop him.If he was more mature I would love him to go but he is not trustworthy at all.Does he need permission?

OP posts:

HarrietSchulenberg · 26/02/2011 22:40

From 16, I think.

Does he have a passport? It's disappearance would stop him going, and if he doesn't have one the cost of getting one would probably put him off.

Original poster

noddyholder · 26/02/2011 22:43

He has one I paid about 85 to get it renewed last year.I think his behaviour and college work has been so bad I don't want to give him it.He has no money atm so not exactly sure how he will fund it but I can't imagine any airline or hotel wanting this lot anyway they are a nightmare!

OP posts:

freshmint · 26/02/2011 22:44

I finished my a levels when I was just 17, and then had a gap year
I went to Italy and greece for months and months and it didn't cross my mind that I shouldn't. I certainly didn't have permission as such - booked flights and went.

Mind you I wasn't immature and untrustworthy. Which are quite tough things to say - but you know your boy.

I don't think you can, really. Wouldn't it be better to have a chat with him - to say that your instinct is to say know because you know he can be silly and immature but you've realised that he has to do his own growing up. However you expect him to behave legally, not get into fights, and drink responsibly.

You never know - realising that you think he is going to cock it up might just be enough to make him behave more responsibly?

freshmint · 26/02/2011 22:46

crossposted

what will he think if you refuse to give him his passport? Surely he won't be trustworthy if he knows he can't be trusted?

Is there anywhere he really wants to go that his friends cant afford? Do you have any friends in the states or canada or something - you could tell him you'll pay for his flight there but he'll have to find funds for Spain himself?

It sounds though the friends are half the problem

Original poster

noddyholder · 26/02/2011 22:47

I doubt it His dad told him he could only go out one night at the weekend and he went out last night and walked out the door at 9.30 tonight even though I said he couldn't.He is on his last warning at college so we said cut the socialising until work improves.He has no respect for us and I plan to make it as hard as possible for him so will keep the passport.

OP posts:

freshmint · 26/02/2011 22:49

oh dear. I'm sorry.

Well I guess you'll just have to plead ignorance at the last minute - tell him he had it - where is it? Deny.

I'm sorry he is having a difficult time

Maryz · 26/02/2011 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

noddyholder · 26/02/2011 22:53

If he wants to buy another passport he can but I am not going to give him this one.All his tutors have said he is taking the piss here and there so I don't feel bad I just hoped there was something legal that would get me off the hook!

OP posts:

Maryz · 26/02/2011 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

noddyholder · 26/02/2011 23:05

I don't need to be worried about drugs or anything like fighting etc thank god.My ds was a model son and student but has recently got a bit big for his boots and is annoying everyone!It is typical teenage behaviour and he is just not mature enough to have this sort of privilege.I know for a fact he has no money so this is all hypothetical but if he suddenly gets the money I still don't think he should go.

OP posts:

nannyl · 27/02/2011 12:41

my ex charge went abroad with friends this summer aged just 15.

OK he had parental permission, but it was allowed

Original poster

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 13:24

Well my ds went out last night at 9.30 despite being told he wasn't to go and he is still not back so his passport is now locked away and he can have it or get his own when he is old enough.

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 27/02/2011 13:29

I've just started looking into this. When I went on any travel company website it would not accept details unless there was at least one 18+ person in the party.

Is there another way of doing this? Can I go into a travel agent and book it? Thanks for your help in advance.

I also looked into camping for a week in this country and have come across the same problem unless I know a specific campsite.

adamschic · 27/02/2011 13:34

DD and her friends were looking at going together last year at 16. I told her to wait a bit as I reckon some of the holiday companies would want an adult as the lead name to book. Also I thought they were all too young and inexperienced to go without some supervision.

The situation hasn't arisen this year as I've booked a holiday for DD and I. I am happy for her to go on a gap year when she turns 18 next year but have had family and friends saying this it too lenient.

I would try and talk him out of it and tell him how much better it would be when he reaches 18. I would say they may struggle with booking flights and hotels underage but I'm not so sure if this is the reality.

webwiz · 27/02/2011 14:51

DD2 is going away with her friends for the first time this summer and she will be 18. The lead name had to be over 18 and fortunately one of her friends had a November birthday. Someone dropped out and caused no end of problems, they would have ended up with someone paying a single room supplement but managed to change one of the rooms to a three after a lot of hassle. Even with sensible mature kids involved its been a pain and they haven't even gone yet!

DD1 was a nightmare and I really wouldn't have been happy for her to go away before she'd developed some common sense but fortunately her friends were all as immature and useless as her so they didn't manage to ever organise anything.

myfriendflicka · 27/02/2011 16:44

Noddyholder, is your son at BHASVIC by any chance? (sorry for slight digression). My daughter is there and is having similar issues.

Original poster

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 16:45

No he is at varndean but his friends are at Bhasvic

OP posts:

Original poster

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 16:50

God flicka I wonder if they know each other.All his 'girl' friends are at BHASVIC

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ivykaty44 · 27/02/2011 18:15

I know my friends dd who was 17 had to have her parents signature on something for the trip with her mates to spain - as she was a sensible girl her parents let her go, sadly she got ill and came home with swine flu

Bonsoir · 27/02/2011 18:23

I travelled all over Europe on my own regularly from age 14 with my parents' blessing and financial support and no-one ever queried it.

I don't remember staying in a hotel with friends until I was 17 though.

Original poster

noddyholder · 27/02/2011 18:35

Bonsoir if he was different person atm I would be delighted for him!I travelled a lot as a teen and in my 20s but he is a v different person to what I was.I don't think they can book hotels or flights without an 18 yr old so they won't be able to go anyway

OP posts:

adamschic · 27/02/2011 21:08

I do know that to travel around the UK, even the YHA won't take unaccompanied under 16's, same with the travelodge et al. So your DS would be ok and it might be the same in Europe.

myfriendflicka · 28/02/2011 18:25

Sorry NH, got called away.

Is this festival Bennecasim? (Sorry for phonetic spelling).

I do know quite a few kids from Brighton who went to that festival aged 16. They didn't come to any harm, and I am not sure whether they asked/got permission to go. I know their parents were aware they were going.

My daughter (aged 16) is going to Crete with a group of friends this July. I feel ambivalent about it. But she is paying for it herself, her friends are nice kids and in lots of ways she is sensible.

I often think these holidays/festivals are very hard for parents.

You have my sympathy, sorry that is a bit useless.

Perhaps they do know each other, my daughter would kill me if she knew I was talking about her!

Casxy · 07/03/2011 11:23

Hi I am considering a similar problem. We had said months back that my daughter 17 could go to Spain for a week with her friends if she funded it herself (she has a part-time job) and organised accommodation we approved of. A friend's mother is prepared to book it for them. Thre seemed to be no reason why not.

I know from what she told me of her holiday in the UK with the same friends last year that they go to bars/cafes and pick up boys and then run off when it gets too much. She thinks she can cope and to some extent she can. My feeling was/is she has got a good sense of self-preservation - she just doesn't choose to prevent some things from happening to her. She does tell me things, but she also tells me lies. Depends whether she wants support or to hide something.

Then last week we left her for 2 school days with a family friend, but she asked to sleep at our house to be ready for school. We came back and found she had made plausible excuses to our family friends, gone out, lost her important coursework, got drunk with friends, skipped off all school, lied repeatedly to everyone and made herself ill with asthma by tiring herself out.

Of course we found this out - her stories never make sense so I asked school. We have said she can't go on holiday now (and she has to immediately catch up on the school work over anything else).
Before, I thought you had to give reponsibility to teach responsibility. Now I think it is only this way that she will see that there are consequences when you let others down and dont do what you were trusted to do. She is furious and wants us to agree another punishment/outcome but I am not going to discuss this. Otherwise I am just waiting for someone else to hurt her and teach her the lesson. I am kind of unhappy to set a punishment that is a couple of months off, but frankly she isn't sensible enough to go. Its more that we have changed our minds about the chances of her growing up enough than that we want to punish her.

Thanks to this message, I will put her passport somewhere safe and make sure the friend's mother knows that she cannot go. At the moment I could not trust her not to get the holiday booked for herself anyway.

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