I think my 16 year old is a lesbian

[Lindylou42]

Hi,
I need some advice and quickly.
I think my 16 nearly 17 year old daughter is in a lesbian relationship.

What started with her going out to stay the weekend with a 19 year old girl from our local uni to go to a party has turned into a weekly occurance and I just don't know how to handle things.
It transpires she is staying at this girls' uni digs in her double bed Fri/Sat night. Up until six months ago she has always had a boyfriend but recently her behaviour has changed, and with a few comments she has made I am beginning to wonder. In addition her schoolwork is beginning to suffer particularly at this crucial time leading up to her GCSE's, and any studying she should be doing is now non-existent.
If I ask her to stay at home to study, as she has a lot of exams coming up starting next week, she just walks out and disappears for the weekend.
If being with this girl is what she wants I will try to support her but am concerned her education will suffer in the meantime.
I am not sure if I should confront her outright or just wait until she wants to talk. I'm worried that if she does tell me she is a lesbian I will somehow react in the wrong way. How do I get her to realise that her education is so important.
I'm at my wits end worrying about her. I haven't talked of my suspicions with my husband and just don't know what to do or say next? Can anyone help/advise me?

I have a daughter the same age; mine has very different issues, so I am not sure I can be much help, but all I would suggest is - if you are confronting her about staying at home to work, she may think this is a pretext for keeping her away from the girl rather than a genuine concern about her GCSEs and her future. Would it help to talk to her completely frankly, say that whatever sort of relationship she does or doesn't have with this girl it's none of your business and you don't want to intrude on it, but that it's make or break time for GCSEs and she needs to focus on them to keep her options open for the future? At least if she knows you are not trying to judge her for the relationship, she may be more open to the message that you are worried about her education. Also, if this girl is at university she presumably must have passed some exams to get there, so she ought to be understanding of your daughter's need to do some work, if she is any decent sort of person at all. If you are genuinely open to accept it if she is a lesbian, then I don't see how you can react wrongly. If she isn't, she ought to be able to see that you have grounds to think so, and if she is, she may be relieved at you raising the subject. I don't think the double bed sharing is necessarily significant - my daughter's female friends all do that on sleepovers - but the amount of time they are spending together seems unusual, certainly. I hope you are able to help her - how worrying for you.

i think the issues are separate.

she may be a lesbian.

you are concerned that she is spending a lot of time with someone who may be taking her away from her studies.

others will give far better advice on these (sorry to be deeply unhelpful), but i do think it is important to separate the two points

My DCs are much younger than your daughter, so I'm sorry I don't have any personal experience I can draw on. However I do find the Parentchannel.tv videos really useful from my smaller ones, so I checked and found this video in the teens secion which might give you some idea on how to handle this situation.

Good luck.

Thankyou for your replies so far.
I guess deep down I am more worried that she is failing to keep up with her studies, and risking her future, and your right, the two issues are separate.
Whether she wishes to spend her time with a female or not, is up to her and I will endeavour to support her whatever path she chooses, but I think its probably a bit too early for me to bring the subject up, so I will wait for when she is ready to talk to me.
With regards her studies however, if I try to talk to her she just flies of the handle then disappears off for a few days, so I might try a different tactic and reason with her friend, who, if as you say is any decent sort of person will appreciate how important a time it is.
Once again thank you for your different aspects on the situation, fingers crossed I can get some sense into her. Teenagers..................aaarrrghh

Thanks Maryz, - I will try anything.
I did think by now the 'teenager' phase would start easing off, but no chance. I might send her fruit picking abroad for the Summer or something, but knowing my luck she would probably end up running off with one of the locals!!
I'll keep you updated - thanks