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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Do you let your teenage boys have girls stay the night?

21 replies

longlashes · 20/02/2011 12:27

... or if have a teenage dd do you let her sleep round a boys house?
I have two ds one nearly 16 and one of 17. I know the oldest one has had sex for def. I am quite open with them and we usually have a good relationship.
My oldest ds tells me that I am old fashioned because i wont let girls sleep over, tho he has loads of mates sleep over and sleeps out himself He tells me that all his mates have girls sleep over ( along with the the fact that all their parents have bought them cars at 17, yeah right! ). I don't mind if girls sleep round if he has 2 or 3 mates over but hes on about just having a girl stay. He hasn't got a permanent girlfriend says he doesn't want a permanent relationship. He is intelligent and knows the risks, but even thought i am sure girls are here when I am out, I don't really want to lay in bed imagining them having sex. dh works away a lot so am on my own with two teenage ds and am finding myself increasingly out of my depth with smoking, sex and other things which may need another post!
Dh also has the view that he doesn't want girls staying the night. Its ok for him tho he is away a lot and doesn.t have to put up with the arguments.
Maybe I would feel differently if ds had been in a long time relationship but until that happens i wont know that.
Its and awful atomopshere in my house ds1 wont' even speak to me but tough I haven't backed down.
Am I the most old fashioned mum ever then as he says?

OP posts:

webwiz · 20/02/2011 12:47

So your DS just wants random girls to stay over to have sex with and he thinks you are old fashioned because you say no?

The fact that he's sulking shows his immaturity. Just say my house my rules and leave him to it.

nottirednow · 20/02/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Choufleur · 20/02/2011 12:57

Ds is a long way off that ages but I will not be letting him have girls stay overnight in his bedroom. When he is in a committed relationship then yes but otherwise absolutely bloody not.

If he wants to sleep with girls in his room then he can go and live somewhere where he is paying the mortgage and bills

southeastastra · 20/02/2011 13:00

blimey no way and i have a 17 year old

expatinscotland · 20/02/2011 13:01

How are one-night stands treating women badly? Why is sex only acceptable if it's in a 'loving, long-standing relationship'?

When I was 16+, I wasn't interested in a 'loving, long-standing relationship', so I had flings and casual physical relationships with men I considered physically attractive and wanted to shag. I didn't want to be tied down or committed, that didn't fit in with my plans of going to university, studying abroad and hanging out with my mates mostly.

As a female, I didn't feel mistreated. I just enjoyed sex and found it entertaining.

I have never been a doormat.

It's entirely possible for women, even young ones, to enjoy sex without needing what they consider the millstone of commitment.

Choufleur · 20/02/2011 13:06

I just don't want to wake up with random people in my house.

Had my fair share of one night stands myself but doesn't mean that I have to encourage DS (when he is older) to bring women back to my house.

expatinscotland · 20/02/2011 13:09

I completely agree with that Chofleur, I wouldn't want to, either, but I think the whole idea that the only teen sex that's acceptable is in a long-term, committed relationship is rather dated.

Honestly, I'm accepting if my own children explore and enjoy a varied sex life before settling down, or they decide to stick to serial monogamy. I don't see one as better than another.

pinkchoccy · 20/02/2011 13:10

I would stick to your ground rules and what you believe to be right. It's your home so it's your rules. Also I agree with you expatinscotland.

earwicga · 20/02/2011 13:24

I have no idea how to answer your question as I'm not up to teenage years yet. I only wanted to say, be careful with mixed groups staying over as well as my sister was sexually assaulted in a situation like this.

inthesticks · 20/02/2011 13:26

DS1 is 15 and his GF stays over sometime, but in a separate bedroom.
If they are in his room there is a strict door wide open rule.
However 17 is different. It's legal for one thing, and if they were in a long term relationship I think I would allow it.

Original poster

longlashes · 20/02/2011 14:00

Thanks for all your thoughts. Dh called from away and we talked about it for a bit. ds has calmed down and apologised now. I explained that I don't want him to bring a one night stand back and maybe it would be differnent in a long term relationship. earwicga you made me think about what you said about your sister.
I think it is so hard having teenagers. ds1 still doesnt agree with me but tough. I am not an old fashioned mum, i go out myself have a great circle of friends. I think he respects me for sticking to my guns and normally we have a good relationship.
I was an awful teenager myself I remember what my mum had to put up with and she had 4 of us girls bless her.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 20/02/2011 14:06

No way - my DS is only 10 but no, I do not want him bringing home girls (or boys for that matter) for sex.

As others have said, I don't want to hear it or have to face youngsters in my house in my dressing gown in the morning.

I am sure one of the reasons that so many young adults carry on living at home is that it is all too comfortable for them - in my day we couldn't wait to leave home - and yes, I know rents are much more expenisve etc now. .

I still cringe with the memory of going round to a boyfried's house for sex - then I would go home afterwards, his mum was well aware of what was going on and didn't seem to mind but looking back, it was all rather embarrassing .

Original poster

longlashes · 20/02/2011 17:20

I agree with that about it being too comfortable at home. When i was 17 I worked full time and rented a flat with a friend and at 19 moved in with my then boyfriend and eventually married him.
ds is doing a levels so is in a different sitation. I don't mind his mates sleeping here i get on really well with all of them and they really are no trouble, but am def sticking to no girls allowed !!
Am off out tonight so know he could do whatever he wants when I am out there is not a lot I can do about that, he could do it when I am at tescos or taking the dog out but I still will not condone it by letting a girl stay overnight.

OP posts:

cyrilsneer · 21/02/2011 14:06

Within this topic, may I ask at what stage you would call a relationship a committed relationship?

Pagwatch · 21/02/2011 14:15

My ds1 is 17, 18 in June.
He has been dating his girlfriend for two years.
I call that committed.

Incidently she does not stay over unless it is as one of many guests at a party. Ds1 wouldn't ask and I probably wouldn't say yes if he did. I am weird I guess but it is my house.

AMumInScotland · 21/02/2011 14:36

I would not want anyone staying the night unexpectedly and without me agreeing ahead of time. That includes mates as well as girlfriends. I don't have a problem with 17yo having sex, whether it's in a committed relationship or casually, and I'm sure there are plenty of opportunities. But I wouldn't want to wake up in the morning to unexpected strangers in my house.

GardenersDelight · 21/02/2011 17:45

My DD2 17 has been staying at Bf and vice versa from about 6 months into thier relationship, I was uncomfortable at first but were rather they were safe in my house than down some back alley!

AimingForSerenity · 21/02/2011 17:59

My children are older so I have been through this already and, as many posters here suggested, we have always had the rule that "casual" stayovers are not allowed but longer term partners are once they know us as a family and they and we are comfortable with the idea.

DS has tended to have shorter term relationships and has never asked for anyone to stay.

DD has had 2 longer term relationships, one of which is current. She has in both cases been allowed to ask him to stay over from about 6 months on.

When they're away at uni they can do what they like (what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over as my Nana used to say!) Both DCs regard having someone stay as a convenient way of avoiding taxis at night, etc rather than a shagging opportunity. They both feel that being in their childhood bedrooms with Mum and Dad next door is not an aphrodisiac!

daniellac · 21/02/2011 22:56

My mums rule on this was I had to be going out with them for over 6 months, he had to have been round for tea and she had to accept him. We set the rules together way before it was even an issue and I think it worked really well :)

Pollo · 23/02/2011 01:37

My daughter is 16, on the pill, and sleeps at her boyfriend's house at weekends. Not ideal but preferable to endless rows, risks of pregnancy and them having sex in his car. They do not ask to spend nights together here - I am a parent, right, and thus know nothing about sex, right? Also, if she's on the pill he isn't using a condom - so there are other risks...

ajay71 · 23/02/2011 15:58

i'm in a similar situation. My DS (16)has been seeing his girlfriend (15) for just a few weeks although they have known each other for quite a while. He wants her to stay over for the night because she lives far away, and in fairness it is a hassle to have opportunities to meet up outside of school. I am struggling though with the thought of them being in his room all night 'watching films'. I will expect her to sleep in the spare room but it's highly likely that I will have gone to bed (worrying) before they call it a night!
He's not talking to me me now because instead of instantly saying yes,I have said it might a good idea to talk to her mum, afterall we don't know each other and I think we should make sure we know what's going on and we're both comfortable. I have 2 daughters and I know I would not want them to stay at a boys house who I didn't know & who lived 2 hours away. We'll no doubt talk again but I do like your rule inthesticks about having an open door policy.

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