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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How can I move on from this?

26 replies

mamas12 · 16/02/2011 23:41

My son, he was lovely and then teenage hit him. I thought I was being understanding but with boundaries and consequences and we were going through it so to speak. We had the various ups and downs that goes with teens, but nothing really major.
Obviously not, he wrote a letter and it is one of those ranty sweary name calling threatening letters that should never have been read by the one it was aimed at, but he left it on the landing for me to read before I went to bed and now I can't move on from what he said in it.
I have been in tears and close to tears for days and I can't even look at him.
I am so sad and ashamed and it's all I can think about.
So how can I move on?

OP posts:
Tortington · 16/02/2011 23:50

the world is against him
no=one has the shit life he has
no one understands the shit he has to put up with

how crap his mum is
how hard his life is

seriously, you can't take it to heart, i'd tell him you love him loads,

then give him a kiss and tell him he will always be your baby, then tell him something really embarrassing he did as a baby
then tell him he was so beautiful, how his eyes were the deepest, blue/brown then tell him how handsome he is and how proud you are

then laugh and say, how impressed you were with his grammar in the letter - and tell him your proud!

Original poster
mamas12 · 17/02/2011 00:04

I've told him I love him and I will never give up on him (from his letter)

He hasn't let me touch him for months so to try to kiss him, well...

Told him I won't be babying him anymore, but what he doesn't know is how that works and really, I just won't be as accomodating anymore.

He doesn't seem to know how hard this has hit me and I don't know whether to let him know more or try to do as you say and not make such a big deal.

BUT it is It's all different now.

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 17/02/2011 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mamas12 · 17/02/2011 00:11

I never wrote a letter to my mother calling her a cunt thos did you?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 17/02/2011 00:13

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BluddyMoFo · 17/02/2011 00:18

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Original poster
mamas12 · 17/02/2011 00:28

I haven't made it a huge unforgivable never to be forgotten drama of it to him.
But, I have said he needs to make it up to me and I am hurt by the contents of this letter.

I do realise that it was not the right thing for him to leave it out for me to read and maybe it is 'just being a teen' but this is the first time this has happened to me and I'm shocked. It is unnaceptably agressive and

I really don't know how to react to him anymore.

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 17/02/2011 00:32

i wrote horrible, horrible things about my parents as a young teen. all in my diary and never ever for them to read, although i suspect my mum did read it. it was venting. i never really wished anything bad on them. hormones aswell as them not really coping with me wanting more freedom was just a nighmare and being a teen, i just wasn't thinking rationally at all. all i knew was that i wanted to go out with my friends whenever i wanted and tehy were the ones stopping me and it was ruining my life. (it wasn't but i saw it that way).

please dont take this to heart. most likely he will have gotten it all out of his system by writing it down and will be regretting it already. did he mean for you to see it?

Original poster
mamas12 · 17/02/2011 00:40

I 'know' all that boo.

He said 'if you're reading this then I don't care' in it and left it out for me on the landing, so yes he did mean for me to read it but he shouldn't iyswim.

But it was vile. I know teens rail I did the same as you boo but this was nastier.

I'm just struggled to reconcile the boy I thought I knew to this creature and how to respond to him.

I mean I'm saying the right things, i love you yada yada but I can't look at him.

How do I grow that thick skin then?

Is it just a question of time?

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 17/02/2011 00:47

my mum describes the teenage me as being a different person. when i look back now, i can see what she means. i was so angry at her and my dad. constantly angry with them and hardly spoke for months on end. nothing beyond the usual grunts.

i am not sure how you move on from it. i think for teh relationship, it will depend on him getting to the other side of this. until then i think you will have to ride teh storm. what i would make clear to him is that, while you appreciate he may not feel particularly loving towards you, he is your son and is in your home as a member of the family and he will respect everyone there. a letter such as he wrote for you is unacceptable and deeply hurtful. tell him that you are there to listen to him and if he prefers, to read his letters but that his letters are not to be intentionally hurtful or disrespectful. he can express how he is feeling towards you without being nasty or cruel. tell him that at times you feel like you could write horrible things about him but that as a parent and a respectful adult you dont, you articulate yourself in a way that doesn't hurt. it will do him no harm to be reminded that you are a person with feelings just as much as he is.

GypsyMoth · 17/02/2011 00:50

Mama it's ok, I understand it! I got it verbally tonight
From dd..... Her sister got it physically, dd is now in police custody again tonight for common assault. 2nd time in 3 weeks. It's bloody hard and I understand your distress, I really do.

My dd has all the help in place but is on self destruct. She knew her Sis would call the police.

BooyFuckingHoo · 17/02/2011 00:52

Sad ILT. i have seen your other threads. sorry things aren't getting any better.

Original poster
mamas12 · 17/02/2011 01:01

boo yes I think that's how I will have to play it.
ILT so sorry that is happening , I am scared of it turning physical and self destructive too, wonder wtf to do.
Hope you and your dds get through it too

OP posts:
homemade · 17/02/2011 06:58

mamas12, you could try ringing parentline (I think they are called someing else now but online search will bring it up). There is also a related website gotateenager.

Original poster
mamas12 · 17/02/2011 07:15

thanks homemade

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 17/02/2011 08:56

How do you move on from this?

I think the answer depends a little on the background and circs which prompted the letter.

Was there a point to the letter?
did an argument precede the letter?
what else is going on in his life?
how old is he?

the letter is a wake-up call? you didn't know he was capable of such venom and cruelty? Awful for you. I think we all struggle to see our kids as separate entities. The time when they were biddable and sweet and we could do no wrong in their eyes - that seems like five minutes ago doesn't it?

so,

yes - maybe you do have to grow a thicker skin. He's telling you, in a most shocking way, that he's not your little boy anymore.

also - is he desperately asking you to back off a little? to give him more autonomy, more space? (I don't know any of your back story so apologies if I'm barking up the wrong tree). If you think that's what he's saying then respond.

When you're feeling calmer. Write him a letter? Tell him you get his drift, but you are feeling so sad and hurt by the manner in which he expressed himself. Suggest that you need a few days' distance from him and then perhaps you can talk. Suggest that you are prepared to listen to his grievances but that you expect him to be able to communicate without being abusive. Allow him leeway where he can apologise for the hurtful part without losing face.

You will get past this, you will move on.

Maryz · 17/02/2011 09:38

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brokeoven · 17/02/2011 09:47

oh i have got all of this to come so i am watching with interest. (ds is 7)

My only experience was having my neice live with me during the time she went completely off the rails.
Some of the things we went through with her were absolutely mindblowingly horrific.
Having been very close to her from her birth, she was like a daughter to me.

Now fast forward 6/7 years she is a mum, a LOVELY mum, responsible, sweet, kind and adorable again.

It was vital for all concerned that it was all forgotton and put behind us. She is mortified and almost dies on the spot if it is brought up, so not wanting to torure either her or us, we dont talk about it.

Alls well that ends well Smile

Maryz · 17/02/2011 09:51

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GypsyMoth · 17/02/2011 10:04

I'm ok Mary. It's the other dc u worry about. But not much I can do

Op, how are things today? Don't keep that letter and obsess over it! I thought last night that if that were me I would keep re reading it over and over, it's like torture!

nottirednow · 17/02/2011 10:12

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brokeoven · 17/02/2011 10:13

ILT thats similar to my niece when she was with us.
She got arrested every weekend for about 7 months, was on curfew, asaulted a police officer, was in the local paper regularly.

Disappeared for days at a time, inherited some money and just went completey crazy.

Dark dark days, but as i say she is just lovely now, was a lovely little kid, so it came from nowhere, didnt understand what it was all about then, dont understand to this day. But its done.

Hopefully this can just offer you a little chink of light. Hugs and sympathies to you x

DrunkenDaisy · 17/02/2011 13:28

I recently found a note under my DDs (13yrs) of mad scribbles saying that I was 'evil' and that I should 'die, die die'.

I was devastated for a second but then I really had to see the funny side or I wouldn't have got past it. I confronted her with it when she was in a happy mood, and now I occasionally refer to it in a piss-takey way.

Don't be sad, just don't take it seriously and you'll get past it.

Original poster
mamas12 · 17/02/2011 14:14

Thank you all for your supportive posts especially mumonthenet and maryz I think you have looked into my life as it is now.

It is hurtful because as we all I think know that we do not deserve this kind of treatment, that letter was vile.

I have read it and read it, even taken it out of the bin where he put it. But I'm not going to anymore.

My sister helped me a lot by saying that he's basically calling me all names etc. etc because I don't let him smoke, drink or look at porn! Pardon me for trying to point out the obvious.

Am now going to take a step back over half term. Trying to persuade his father to take him away with him for a few days but we'll see.
I haven't been able to tell ex as he can be quite vile too sometimes so I don't want them ganging up on me and comparing notes.
Sad to everyone who is going through this now, I think I will order some bnooks too.

OP posts:
Wysiwig · 17/02/2011 21:38

Mamas12...You poor thing, my ds is 13, a sensitive one to boot. He has been through a divorce and has to put up with useless human being (he can be vile too) disguised as a father. I am riddled with guilt, mainly because I chose the father, and the break up etc etc...my son vents all his anger on me, and I know that he hates all the boundaries that I give him, so theoretically he hates me..that hurts SO BAD. I do everything, make sacrifices etc all the things you do as a mother (moreso when a LP). I don't know the answer I'm afraid, all I can say is that you're not alone (cold comfort I know) but keep posting, even just to vent.

xx

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