Verbal aggression when challenged - how to help her deal better with this?

[Missile]

DD is 17, she has always had huge issues with taking responsibility for her actions. We have tried over the years to help her with this with advice from various "professionals" but even now she is at college it is causing problems in certain subjects and its certainly ongoing at home.

I choose my battles very wisely, but some things are either beyond my control or non-negotiable. For example disrupting lessons to the extent she has been removed is not on, but there is always an excuse . That is the tip of the iceberg....

I just wish there was something I could do to help her deal with this better. In just 18 months she will hopefully be either going to Uni or having to work - she won't get away with this crap then!

She is and always has been a huge victim and we have tried to help ourselves, got her help with counsellors and the like and nothing has made the slightest bit of difference.

I am at my wits end! I almost wish I was the sort of parent I see too often that washes their hands of their teen and let them get on with it, but I care too much!

What sanctions do you use when she does misbehave?

Do you finance phones, computer, clothing etc?

If you do, then it helps to withdraw or make her earn those privileges.

I am surprised she is being tolerated at college seeing as it is non compulsory education at her age. What has the college said about her behaviour?

At home these days it is usually awful awful bad moods, where she takes it out on the rest of us (family of 5) and in this instance, I force her to remove herself to her bedroom until she is in a better frame of mind. Obviously she doesnt simply say "ok mum, off I go" but does tend to bugger off eventually. Or we all ignore her until she chills out! When college was so bad that she was attending poorly and late all the time, I halved her allowance, ths month is the first month she has managed to earn it all back as she has had excellent attendance since end of November, apart from one subject mentioned above, where there appears to be a personality clash with the tutor. I have always made her earn her privileges, she claims, and indeed outwardly shows, that she "doesn't care" that I do this...!

Having met with college this week, her work, when she finally does it, is excellent, top 5% as always, and this takes little effort, so they are as keen as I am to try nad kepe her there and she will say she enjoys it! they are bending over backwards to move her from this tutor (she says she doesn't want to tho?!) and we all hope this will ease the tension. They say 90% of the time she is charming and pleasant, but challenge her about anything and she backs into a corner kicking and shouting (not literally kicking!).

Sounds like you are doing the right things and she can behave when she chooses to. It may be a question of riding out the storm. As you say, next year employers or lecturers will not tolerate moodiness or stubbornness.

Does she have part time work at all that may encourage a more mature attitude? (or any other activity that may encourage responsible behaviour like D of E?)

Oh how she and I wish she had a job, she has had a few very casual jobs, but there really is nothing at all here, sadly. She needs to do some voluntary work for St Johns or Red Cross before she applies for uni which should start early summer and I hoping this feeds her interest and helps her mature and become more tolerant!

Thanks for the responses, it helps just to know we are dealing with it well haha!