Don't think I can do this much longer

[boldredrosie]

How easy do you think it would be to get my ds (12) taken into care? My cousin in Holland has had her eldest child (15) farmed out to another family and while everybody in my middle class family has just about died of shame her household is a lot calmer and her child is a lot happier.
I just don't think I can do this much longer and he hasn't even entered his full teens. I'm sure one of us will not survive the next few years mentally intact and I'm betting I'm the one who'll end up carted off.
From the earliest age he's simply refused to do anything he didn't want to do, the worst of it being anything to do with school. Weekends are traumatic and I find Monday mornings going to work just a joy -- I'd happily work a 60 hour week to keep away from him.

I really need a break and I don't know how to do it -- we have no family in this country and his father has never wanted anything to do with him. I even thought of sending him to boarding school last year but didn't see it through.
Does anybody have any ideas? I can see from the threads in this section there's lots of mums facing real challenges. Perhaps you've picked up some skills you could share?

Does the school have a Parent Support Adviser? The school office will know. In my experience they're usually very very good - if the PSA can't help, they'll point you in the right direction for support/a listening ear.

Could you afford boarding school?

Thank you for messaging so fast.

We're in the UK, in London. I actually pulled him out of our local comp last year because he was profoundly, profoundly unhappy and I have lodged a formal complaint about his head of year who, instead of supporting a child who has always hated school, started some weird persecution of him. I've yet to have a satisfactory response from the old school.

I moved him to a small private school (at some considerable expense) where I thought the smaller classes would suit him better. My father was deadset against it because he said ds' attitude sucked and that wouldn't change with a change of school and it seems he's right. Ds has only been at the school since the start of Jan and so it is earlier days yet and while he's obviously happier there I don't see any change in attitude about effort or work. What I have profound difficulty in understanding is why he becomes hysterical when asked to do any work? He's not stupid, we discussed this move, the fact expectations about him would change and that everybody involved (me and knew school) would help me. But at parents' evening last week it was much the same story -- bright but never has books, doesn't do homework, doesn't hand in work.

And before you ask there's no evidence of a learning disability related to organisational processing. Or dyslexia or dyspraxia. Lazy is my assessment.

how do you know there is no evidence of SN/SEN - who has assessed him? It sounds like has been in the wrong educational setting and for some children this is just unbearable and they will do anything to avoid it. He may need a specialist setting but you really need to find out the reasons for his difficulties with school. Is he with CAMHS?

He's been assessed by the borough's educational specialists and no we're not with CAMHS whatever that is. I'd be open to any kind of assessment and review but over the years these have shown nothing and produced not one iota of improvement in his school performance. If there was no school I'm sure my child would be the happiest child on earth as every issue I have with him relates to school.
I'm all for school taking more of an active role but all his previous schools have failed to do this; the last one making everything about him and actually becoming very, very threatening when he failed to perform (& threatening in a I'm going to wallop you way, not detention way)and not offering him any support although I begged for some kind of mentoring. Hence the move to a private school with small classes and I have, this morning, contacted the headmistresses to say he's still struggling, what does she suggest?

Hi Boldredrosie.

I have one of those at home. DD is 14 and whilst she goes to school, she seems to like confrontation. She is under achieving when we have been told she is more than capable, does not do any homework nor does she hand her books which are all in her drawer at home, time and time again she is given new books because she states she has lost them. We have had countless detentions and she does not bother to turn up to serve them, has been excluded from school about 5 times in the last year, today we went to a board of govenours disciplinary meeting as she was excluded for 5 day last week. DD shouts, rants, raves, throws things when she cannot have her own way and does not do things when asked. Yes it is emotionally draining. We are regularly having to compromise. I do not get involved with school so much and do not allow myself to get drawn into the argument. I acknowledge receipt of what she has done and leave it up to school for consequences. Yes it is important for them to have an education but they will eventually have to take own responsibility. We have wonderful head of house in our school who DD gets on with, she must have a patience of a saint. DD is under CAMHS (Child & Adolesent Mental Health), they think she has mild autistic spectrum, but this is not confirmed. Being disorganised, communicative/social skills not what they should be, (dd also gets very angry) but as I stated, surely I would have known in the early years, but apparently it can manifest itself when puberty hits. I like you think that she is lazy, she has proved in the mocks that she can work, as she managed to get some good grades. I now pick my battles and hope that each weekend we have a peaceful weekend, usually not. Have considered putting DD into care, but she is still her and not sure whether I could do this, as I would feel like failure, SW told me that DD would have to go to a secure unit if put into care as she would just run away. So all I can say is pick your battles, keep going even if you want to give up, and more importantly get yourself some help and get school to undertake a CAF referral(Common Assessment Form) they can get you some help and more importantly your son. DD has a SW (not much use) connexions and CAMHS (best so far) .

Keep going and rant on here if need be.

Oh by the way, DD was assessed by the local authority education dept, they never found anything with DD even though I thought she was dyslexic. To this day her spelling is beyond rubbish.

I wouldn't rule out mild SN: I regularly see students who are diagnosed with dyslexia when they start postgraduate studies. How they have managed to keep afloat until then is a mystery as their problems seem pretty obvious to me- and pretty big.

Anyway, it would help to have a few more details: you don't mention any other problems than school refusal/refusing to do school work? Is it all focused on school? Is he violent? Does he refuse to engage in all family activities? Do you think he is into drugs? Also, what kind of support is he getting at school? Is he seeing a school counsellor?

Have you talked to him when he is calm? How does he feel about the whole situation? Does he know why he gets so upset?

I have two children: one has anxiety problems related to disability and goes through regular phases of panic attacks and school refusal- she is seeing the school counsellor and CAHMS (Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service) where she is having therapy and will be taught methods for controlling her anxiety. In the past, her panic attacks took the form of violent tantrums (kicking and biting), now at 14 she is thankfully not violent, but still gets hysterical.

Ds has low self esteem issues and is incredibly negative towards school work, which he struggles with. He does have a disability, though not a learning disability, and obviously feels hard done by. He is convinced that there is no point in trying, and sees any extra intervention as a massive imposition. We are trying to liaise with the school over extra support for him, and have just managed to get him a first CAHMS appointment.

It is not a very easy situation to be in, but I am confident that these problems will get sorted or at least dealt with to a point where dcs can live with them. There is help to be had. But you do need to keep asking. And you absolutely need to keep any negative grandparents out of the equation!

I would look at boarding school again. You sound as if you're at the end of your tether and don't have the mental strength after all you've been through to persist in these investigations. Boarding school wouldn't send the message that you've given up on him in the way that putting him into care would.

I just wanted to post to let you know it will be ok. My son is 16 and I have had similar problems. His school have been excellent and had a special unit for children who had "issues". His last parents evening was the best ever with lots of compliments. I know it's hard and some days you are so exhausted you don't know what to do. I never gave up and now we're ok. His GCSE's predicted grades are A's and A* this from a child who never did any homework. When I look back I don't know how we got through it but we did. I'm divorced from his dad and he seems him but isn't that interested.If you want to pm please do I don't have all the answers but I know how you feel.

Maybe if things are that bad why don't you contact social services and ask for some sort of assessment because you can not cope? It isn't easy maybe they can get you some help of some sort. You don't know until you ask and let them know that you need help.

Maybe some parenting support work would help? I am not saying that you are a 'bad' parent just that challenging behaviours from kids can call for new skills in dealing with them & it is very hard to see the best way to handle them when you are unsupported in the thick of it.

Am sure that this would be preferable to having your son live apart from you, parentline might be able to advise or child & family services. Good luck.

Big sympathies ,but it's very early days isn't it if he's changed schools last month ?
Even tho better and he agreed to it ,must be hard to adjust .
See what head says .
Don't want to sound dismissive ,sounds awful to cope with .

boldredrosie I have two teenagers- 14 and 15, plus teach at a secondary school.
There are a few facts missing/that I have missed- any DP on the scene?
Think I have established that he won't work, and when you ask him to work he gets V angry. If I am missing something else major please advise.
What about friends, out of school, interests?
Is there a time when you have fun together?

What I have learnt- its pretty hard to change your kids/ anyone elses kids.

All you can be is a good enough mother- ask him what he wants, back off, mend your relationship, get to know him and leave the school stuff to the school. A bit of space and calmness is not letting him win, or failure, but an alternative- a different focus.

May be way off beam here- let me know.