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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

ds out of control??/

22 replies

wickedorwhat · 11/02/2011 18:55

hello , my ds is just 14 but looks nearly 16 he has changed so much in the last year i hardly recognise him. deep down i think he is a good soul but has started to hang around with much older and if im honest unsavoury types. he swears he is not on drugs and i want to believe him. he has been messing around at school being rude to teachers and has bunked off once, been caught smoking frequently etc. we have grounded him and tried to talk to him and confronted him all to no avail. the school has been very supportive and they have been implementing various punishments that he has adhered too mostly. he has been rude at home to us on occasions. it seems the more we try to enforce any rules the more he rages against them. im lost now as to where i go from here. i wonder if there is some underlying issue that i have missed somewhere along the line. and to top it all he did not come home last night, his phone is off and i have no idea where he is now as i speak. any advice will be greatly appreciated. thanks.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 11/02/2011 19:02

Wicker I feel your pain. I'm having problems my 15 yo ds atm.

He went to stay at a friend's one Friday night (this was about a year ago now), I didn't have an address or anything and was worried sick and at 4pm on the Saturday called, I think it might have been Kidscape or one of those organisations to ask advice. They advised calling the police which I duly did, the police said I was doing the right thing, anyway, as you would expect ds turned up while I was waiting for the police. There was nothing untoward about his 'disappearance' he just forgot to phone me!!! I checked out his story about where he was later and it was all genuine just really inconsiderate .

He was told not to go out this afternoon and as soon as my back was turned he was gone, so i don't actually know where he is as we speak. But his xbox has been removed from his room in his absence. Mind you, that'll be water off a duck's back.

I hope your ds shows up soon.

Original poster

wickedorwhat · 11/02/2011 19:10

thanks monty, it has crossed my mind to phone the police. LOL ds has had his x box taken away so many times now its pointless ha ha he gets bored of it now anyway as he has been grounded for a week now and spent the whole time on it. still have no idea where he is now but myself and dh are going into town to look for him.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 11/02/2011 19:13

That was meant as advisory btw. Wasn't thread hogging.

Monty27 · 11/02/2011 19:14

Wicker, yep water off a duck's back at this stage.

If you don't find him maybe call the police and ask for advice?

Monty27 · 11/02/2011 23:38

Wicker - is he home?

Mine strolled in about 8pm. [anger]

Monty27 · 11/02/2011 23:38

oops and :(

FrottageCod · 12/02/2011 01:01

Hi Wicked

My ds was like this, smoking, drugs, suspensions from school, eventual expulsion. He is 21 soon and is a well rounded sensible lad, with lots of regrets but glad he got all this out of his system before he was an adult. Have faith in your boy. He will come out good in the end x

GypsyMoth · 12/02/2011 01:10

going through all this with dd also. she has been arrested twice and spent the night in the cells on both occasions

she now wants to be a police officer! silver lining and all that perhaps. she's 14....been told these are phases,they do come through the other side....we have to believe this!!

FrottageCod · 12/02/2011 02:15

forgot to say ds also arrested twice....nothing like seeing your son barefoot and in a prison sweatshirt...fantastic parenting eh?

This is the boy who wanted for nothing. Still he is out of it now.

Original poster

wickedorwhat · 12/02/2011 13:32

hello folks,

after a busy night we found him at the youth club saying 'im not coming home tonight im staying out till tommorrow!{with bags of attitude}HA hA dh took him off for a word about staying in touch and we left him. got a call just now can we pick him up! dont you just love em? thanks for all the advice and reassurance feel much better now and am looking forward to when the penny drops.. i guess we have to all stay strong for them eh?

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Original poster

wickedorwhat · 12/02/2011 13:38

monty, just really glad to talk to someone about it yours came home then? LOl nice of him!

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MadAsASnakeNana · 12/02/2011 14:56

wickedorwhat - thank God the little sod is home. As a grandmother, I know what this is like. My son at 16 used to stay out until 4am, I'd hear the door close and relax, now I can go back to sleep again, then after about half and hour, he'd go out again.

This does come right, believe me, I know that your and your DH are great parents. Hang on in there, teenagers are hell, I know, I've done the course and got the certificate! Keep talking to him.

MadAsASnakeNana · 12/02/2011 15:13

Hello all - me again. I don't want to you think that I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but as a grandmother I do have some experience of this. T remember as a teenager, about 18, my Dad bailing me out of Bow Street Nick - been arrested after demonstrating outside the American Embassy in Grosvenor Square against the Viet Nam War. My Darling Dad was a lifetime communist and his words to me as he bailed me out were "I'm so proud of you love." My mother was horrified - nice "gels" didn't do that sort of thing. Later on I was also at Greenham, got arrested again. Obviously I have my Dad's genes.

The problem seems to be that this all starts much earlier with teenageers now, instead of my generation at 18 or so, they now start getting stroppy at 12-14. Truely in my experience, and I have a lot - 20 years in HR - 99.9% of them "come right" in the end.
All of you with teenagers that you really want to take the face of, TALK to them - they'll be find. Communication solves everything, even if you want to kill him/her.
Best wishes to you all - every generation has this problem.

GypsyMoth · 12/02/2011 16:04

my stroppy dd got a bit of a shock today. i have found her a voluntary position at local barnardos....dropped her off for her first shift.

little voice says.'mum,when you collecting me'?? for a tiny fleeting second,she was my little vulnerable baby again....nearly told her to get the bus back!!

irishtas · 12/02/2011 17:18

wicker, i am new and this is the first post i seen and its also the reason i have come on here.

my heart goes out to you and yout other half, we too are in the same situation our 13 yo is driving us insane
he like your child started hanging out with lads last year, what i didnt realise then was they are older then him and come from dysfunctional homes.
my ds has changed so much in attitude, behaviour etc
the last straw came when i found out that he stole a bike two days ago...i was livid
i frog marched him to the garda station to give the bike back and hes been given a jlo

since then i have stopped him being with the other boys, and told them never to call for my ds again
took his phone off him and become a much firmer parent.

like you i am at my wits end, but have started to take control again by setting down strict guidlines
like your ds, my ds is a good kid even the garda noticed this, but he recommended keeping him away from them before they walk him into much more trouble.

take care, hope things work out well.
tas

Original poster

wickedorwhat · 12/02/2011 22:25

tas thanks its horrifying isnt it when you hear what they get up to. with ds it seems the more we lay down the law the more he goes the other way. i dont know the answer, just good to talk x

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Original poster

wickedorwhat · 12/02/2011 22:28

tiffany, LOL i think its a great idea to get them out and doing stuff. ds sometimes goes to work with his dad and he works like a trojan apparantly is this the same child. all i can see is the worst case scenario all the time but like other posts have said they come right in the end.xxx

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irishtas · 13/02/2011 00:33

wicker he too rebeled against rules, but after getting the jlo he knew i meant business.

he told my brother today "he never seen me like that"
i wasn't shouting or anything, i was very calm...so calm i even frightened myself :-)

i've always allowed him his freedom within our rules.

and after the last two days of constant abuse/upset

i decided tough love is needed.
i was never very tough on him, so he was shocked at the change

and since around 2pm today he has been a more respectful kid.

i keep hearing "this will change"
only hope it does, before i grow old from the stress and upset of it
its hard to believe he was the adorable little child i gave birth too

Original poster

wickedorwhat · 13/02/2011 11:32

Tas, your right i hardly recognise him either my ds. i have just got to the point where i dont know how to deal with certain events. example; i try not to constantly go on and on at him but i was trying to convey how worried we were when he went awol and you wont beleive this he said ,'dont go on mum, im going to get angry' like it was some sort of threat! i wanted to ring his neck, how dare he but i walked away and tried to calm down. and then he acts like nothing at all is wrong

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Violethill · 13/02/2011 14:00

Respect to ILoveTiffany - I think its great that you are getting her to do this

GypsyMoth · 13/02/2011 15:09

She has to volunteer in something as part of he duke of Edinburgh award, so got this sorted for her

She 'worked' 3 hours and really enjoyed it, even tho it was with older people and a lady in a burka ( my heart sank when I saw this.... I didn't know if I could trust dd to not be racsist as she has overstepped the Mark in many ways recently, but looks like they hit it off)

irishtas · 13/02/2011 16:28

tiffney, how did you go about getting your dd involved?

i was thinking along those lines with ds, but dont even know where to start

any ideas, info would be very welcome.

wyb i just had the ex friends down to the door looking for him.

you should have seen their faces when i ran them off lol
and told then not to come near this door again.
cheeky feckers

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