Can anyone help in next hour or so? Need behaviour management advice

[perspective]

Help needed again. I look after d neice regularly, for longish spells while sister works abroad. Have had ongoing probs. Dn is 12.

We have had a few rocky weekends, refusing to get out of bed, leave room, eat, rudeness, shouting and generally not doing anything she is asked. Came to a head a couple of weekends ago and I took her phone because she was refusing to get up when we had set a minimum rule of uo and dressed by 12 noon. Eventually she complied and the rest of the weekend went ok.

Fast forward. She was on a sleepover last night, texted to ask to say another night, I said no as her mother and I had discussed having only 1 sleepover a week. Went to collect and since then she has been ensconsed in her room, shouting she hates us. She is a very unhappy young lady and I think the principal problem is (her words) that she spends half her life without either parent.

Anyway - have made numerous attempts to try and get her to talk to me about what is wrong. She ahs refused to get into night clothes, is now in bed fully clothed and asleep. I have taken lap top out (our rule is no lap top after 10 pm), before she went to sleep all she would say is that she is not leaving her room at all tomorrow.

Can I have opinions of wether I should take her phone as well? Doing this was the only thing that got her out of bed and dressed last weekend.

It sounds as if she needs love and cuddles not more punishment.

I'm having an awful time with my 12 year old..see my other posts. I have forced myself to be extra loving with her today . I have taken everything off her (she trashed my house and I called the police). I allowd her to use her phone today and the difference was amazing

PLEASE give her a cuddle she sounds desperately lonely and unhappy.

It'as not the end of the world that she's sleeping in her clothes or that she doesn't get up when you want her to.

I know Sharon. She is unhappy but pushes me away. I have tried tonight to talk, cuddle, she won't let me near her. She is like this all the time, every weekend we have the same battles over and over. I have only 3 rules in the house, no rudeness, up by 12 (or she spends all day in bed and won't go to school) and no laptop after 10.

I just don't know what to do for the best. She does not want to be here. We have been looking after her since she was 8 and now she's a reenager she is rebelling. At the moment I can't think past how will get her out of bed tomorrow

Thanks for replying.

Trust me it could be sooooooo much worse, although that doesn't help you at the mo.

Stick a note under her door saying how sad you are that she's upset and you are here if she needs to talk. 12 years old is a tricky age.

She needs her Mum.

Dont sweat the small stuff. If she wants to sleep in....let her.

You need to choose your battles carefully. Cut her some slack.
My 12 year old hates me.... I think it's normal!

IMO I would have let her have the 2nd sleep over......It really wouldn't have hurt and she probably doesn't want to be with you and would have been happier at a friends.

Good idea about the note Sharon, I'll do that now before I go to bed.

We set the 1 sleepover rule because her behaviour was pretty awful after having 2 in a row and spending all weekend out. I am stuck in a rut, mum comes home and lets her get away with things I am not happy with, they have a great time together then mum goes off to work for 4 or 5 days and I have to cope with her anger, shouting, defiance, trying to get her to school, do homework etc. It's like a divorced parent scenario! Our families life would be much better if we did let her do whatever she wanted but I don't think thats necessarily the right thing either.

Hey ho. Just need some help to think it through. My ds is 9 and very different, so I just feel lost at times.

I feel for you and her. MY 12 year old is all sorts of trouble..It's hard to get a balance.

Talk to her mum and see if she can help by having a chat with her. She probably feels very alone poor kid.

It's hard to seperate typical teenage rebellion and her crying out for her mum.

Thanks Sharon. Have just been reading your other posts and see you have a lot on your plate. Agree that it's hard to separate rebellion and crying out for mum.Important to get some balance, but often difficult to see what that might be. I do talk to her mum, but she says it is impossible to change jobs and be home more.Mum says she is fine at home and can't really see the problem.

I am shattered tonight - time for bed. i really appreciate your time. I'm going to do the note, leave her phone in her room, say she can have her laptop back when she is up and dressed tomorrow. Then take a deep breath and face tomorrow cool, calm and collected.

My youngest will be 12 in the summer and can be pretty challenging. If I set rules which had to be obeyed just because they were my rules I would be fighting a huge losing battle.

I think they get to an age where you have to let them make decisions for themselves over things which don't matter. I try to always say yes unless there is a very good reason not to. So, obviously you have to get up on a school day in time for school. But at the weekend I wouldn't be setting rules about what time to be up because she won't see the reason for it apart from you throwing your weight around. My girls sometimes go through Sunday without getting dressed at all - I can't see that it matters. Likewise, I try to agree to sleepovers, trips into town with friends etc. However, if I think her safety would be compromised by something she wanted to do, then I'd say no.

DD2 is very stubborn and can be extremely oppositional. If I responded by confiscating stuff we would be in a complete deadlock. She is very strong willed and she will not give in in a battle, ever. I could take away everything she owned and starve her, and she still would not budge. The only way with her is to talk, to try and understand, and for her to see that I'm on her side and genuinely have her interests at heart.

So, for the sleepover thing I wouldn't have said "no", I'd have said, "well, I'm concerned you won't be up for school in the week". Then we could have bargained it through between us and if she'd stayed, she'd have had to prove to me that she was up bright eyed the following week.

I'd try to listen more and make rules less. From reading your posts, it's obvious you are doing a wonderful thing for her, but I very much suspect she feels there is no one on her side. The note sounds good. Keep letting her know you are on her side. :)

Good advice Musicposy....will take that on board for my DD.

Thanks for all the very sensible advice. I have written a note and put it in her room.

Perhaps I need to re think rules. Sleepovers and laptop out at 10pm were put in place because she was not getting up for school because of being awake all night. She's taller than me and I can't physically get her out of bed.Rule of being up by 12 was for the same reason. We don't ask her to be out of her room, just up and having had something to eat. When she's like this she doees not eat or sleep and her sleep patterns get all over the place.

However, I increacingly think this is not my job!

Real ans is to get her mum to have a job where she is home. I need to have a long hard think.

I think with teenagers you also have to accept that whatever rules you have there will be times when they hide in their room and shout that they hate you. Negotiating will smooth over a lot, but it won't help with every spot of hormonal angst. (And of course there is the added problem that she does have something to be angry about in her mother's frequent absences.) I would try not to take it personally.

I would take her out somewhere nice, I know you may not feel like it because she has not been well behaved but I think you will be suprised by the way she will open up to you and maybe enjoy the day.

Is there anything in particular she likes doing or maybe something you used to do when she was younger, like swimming or the cinema or bowling or ice skating?

To my mind, you've hit the right nail on the head by saying that you need to consider the whole situation. You're doing a huge thing for her mother - far more than most people would expect.

LoveMyGirls is spot on. This is a child of 12. She sounds desperately unhappy. I know you are doing your best, but it sounds as if all you do is focus on the negative.

I may be wrong, but I am guessing that this child probably feels unwanted and resented, and even though she has fun times when her mum is around, it can't be easy having her mum go off for days at a time.

My dd is almost 13, and still needs loads of cuddles and reassurance, not to mention the swimming, outings and family time.

I think you have hit the nail on the head, by saying this is not your job.
It must be hard for you to see all your hard work undone when her mum lets her do what she wants.
It may be time to have a serious talk with her mum and make some ground rules that you both follow.
You are doing a good thing for your neice, and need some recognition.

X posts louvert. Great minds think alike!!

I also agree that her mum is taking you for granted big time. She should be sitting down with you agreeing basic rules, and backing you to the hilt, not undoing everything when she is at home.

Mind you - she probably does it because of guilt. she needs to see that by not instilling basic manners and respect, and being consistant, she is not doing her dd any favours.

Does she get rewarded/praised for the stuff she does well? (And I don't mean rewarded with money or clothes or whatever)
This could work wonders for her self esteem.
I think you should have a serious talk with your sister about DN. Is there anyway she could stop travelling so much as it clearly affects her daughter well being?

Thanks again.

3littlefrogs, yes you're absolutely right, she does feel unwanted I think. Dad who used to share the care went off abroad.

We have also set basic rules with her mum - problem seems to be that she sticks to them at home (e.g. laptop out at 10) but kicks off when she is here .

I try and do nice things with her -e.g.we took her to Paris on a family weekend, took her on a jewelwry making day last weekend and we had a lovely time. However, we seem to start most weekends like this (mum is often away weekends), sometimes they get pulled back, sometimes not. She is not keen on doing things with us, prefers to spend time facebooking and most things I suggest are 'boring'.Sometimes she eventually enjoys herself, but often she ends up refusing to get out of the car. The issue is clear - I get the bahaviour because her mum goes away. I need to find a way of changing this.

Really appreciate all the advice. If her mum can't/won't change jobs then perhaps I need to say that I'm not doing weekends, or only one a month.

I'm skulking off to my usual nickname now, many thanks again you lovely people.