Feel like I'm letting DD down

[prisonerofazkaban]

My 14yo DD is being an absolute nightmare at the moment and I am almost at the end of my tether. She is constantly moody and makes sure that on my day off we have a battle before she goes to school. She wouldn't go to school this morning. I had to drag her out of her room and then she tried to ring the police because I had done so. I really wanted to ring someone myself and get them to take her away because I cannot bear to be around her when she is like this. I feel so awful for saying these things to her but she is really testing my patience and making our lives a misery. I think she might be Bipolar and am cross with myself for not being more sympathetic but ther is only so much shit that I feel I can cope with. Poor DS's had to get themselves ready for school this morning because all my time is taken up with trying to persuade her to go to school. I've just sat and cried outloud for the first time in ages. Can't cope much longer. Sorry if thhis is a bit long and boring but I just wanted to get it off my chest

does her school know about that situation?

Hi Prisoner. Cant really offer any words of wisdom as I'm in the same boat. She's been refusing to go to school for a week. Luckily the school have been quite supportive as we've told them of situation. This morning we went in and they were really helpful and came up with loads of ideas. Told her to come back at 11 which she agreed to. Surprise of surprises when we got home she refused to go back in which led to us having a row which ended up with me crying. Contacted the school who agreed that dragging her there would be counterproductive and to try again on Monday. I love her so much which I keep telling her but nothing seems to get through. Think her 2 younger brothers are getting really fed up with the fact that our whole lives seem to revolve round her behaviour.

The school know what is going on and she has been having a counseling sessions with one on the teachers there. DD and I have been for a meeting with the counsellor and form tutor. We all talked for a long time and they made suggestions. The meeting ended positively with DD agreeing to try to try some of their suggestions. However when we cam out and I asked her if she thought that she felt that it had helped she said "not realy". We're going to see out GP on Monday so hopefully he will offer some help.

I'm so sorry, this must be so, so hard.

I'm no expert but I did have a couple of thoughts:

Does she give you any explanation as to why she doesn't want to go to school?
Was there a time when she was happy to go? - what happened to change things?
Does she say ever that she would like to go to a different school? Would this be an option?

I think you've been really sensible to organise an appointment with the GP as well as involving the school, it sounds like a very good idea.

Her reasons for not going this time were that her makeup and hair were not done. She was up in plenty of time to do both but sat for ages covering her face and being moody. When she is there she does have a good time apart from the odd disagreement with friends or the usual comment from the class bully. She can be really happy and looking forward to her day then if one little ting goes wrong it sends her to rock bottom again.

Arrrrgh, typed long post and lost it!

Am having similar problems with 14yo,
thought slightly trickier in my case as dd is disabled and tension triggers her disability which then makes her genuinely unable to get out of the house. Have spent many mornings sobbing after the school run.

One thing I have decided - and CAHMS agree with me- is that I cannot really engage in any physical tussle with a 14yo. Any more than dh could drag me out of the room if I refused to cooperate with him- and it wouldn't matter how much I was in the wrong (unless it was a question of saving my life). I think teens get to an age where you have to start treating their bodies like you would that of an adult.

This means that if I cannot persuade dd or do a deal with her, I have to accept that there is only so much I can do. If she doesn't decide to move, I can't make her. It's been a hard decision, but I think the alternatives could be dangerous.

Some things have helped for us:

at the suggestion of CAHMS, I have given dd more control over her mornings: she has the alarm clock and decides when she needs to get dressed, she decides not to have breakfast (a major stress trigger) but has something to eat at first break

the school is very supportive and has agreed that if dd comes into school but can't face going to class, she can go and sit in the councellor's room

I have been very open with the school and they know I really am trying my best

we have had a number of therapy sessions together (CAHMS), where we have both been able to talk about her problems- atm we are looking into full family therapy (not because we are a dysfunctional family, but because we are all affected by dd's problems)

the school and I have an agreement by which I will ring them up in the morning and tell them whether dd is ill or school refusing- they know and dd knows that I will be brutally honest on this score (but at the same time, I try to be very matter of fact about it)

if I sense that dd is a bit stressed at night or first thing in the morning, I try to distract her by talking about things she really enjoys- doesn't always work, but sometimes it does

dd has found that she can catch up on her work by using the school website so she doesn't have to feel quite so panicked when she has been away

Don't know if any of this helps- obviously, no two situations are the same.

oh and forgot: dd is about to start CBT therapy, where she will (hopefully) learn to control negative thoughts.

I'm hoping that the GP will send us for some sort of counselling like what you have had cory. I think it would be a good idea for DH to be involved too because he does not understand her at all and sopme of the time makes no effot to stop things turning into a battle. Don't get me wrong he loves her a lot but sometimes will not tolerate her behaviour. Hope the CBT goes ok and your dd starts to feel a bit more positive about things.

a CAF report from school can help,we got counselling that way.we also are waiting for a psych asessment from them

also,i often ring parentline plus,very helpful,and just someone to talk to

young minds too.

the bipolar.....why do you think this op??

I only suspect biploar cos sometimes she can be really hyper. It seems like she is drunk. She can see herself being like this but can't stop. Tries jo jump out the bedroom window and stuff. The other week she went and walked round out estate late at night. Normally she would be terrified to walk on her own in the dark. It's all very strange how her mood can change so dramatically. Suicidal one minute and can take on the world the next. When I mentioned how she can be hyper to the teacher and counselor the questions they started asking made it sound like they think she could be bipolar too.

dd's head of year told me (dont know if any truth in it)that they often see the onset of bipolar at this age. so you could look into it. it does sound a bit hyper. go with your instinct to get it checked.

i dont for one minute think my own dd is bipolar,but theres something amiss somewhere,hoping the psch asessment will shed some light

prisoner - oh it sounds so hard ( and also for Cory ,Kath and Tiffany ).
Please don't feel you're letting her down - sounds like you're doing all you can.

I'm hoping that it's nothing that serious but part of me hopes that they can find something wrong so that proper help can be given. If they put to down to her age/hormones then we'll be back to square one. I'm really worried that things will get worse and she will end up losing all the people who care about her.

So far today she has been in good spirits but she has spent most of her time in the same room as me and I have been able to difuse any dodgy situations. She had a bit of a wobbler around tea time but she is smiling again. Shame I can'ty be around all the time to help her get over things which can cause the moods.

I hope you get somewhere with the assessment ILoveT and get your dd the help she needs.

It does sound more than age/hormones .
And even if the thinking is that it's age/hormones ,she needs help to cope .
Think you should stick with your gut feeling and if they do dismiss it ,keep pushing .
Hugs .

Agree that it does sound like something more than age, and something different from anxiety and depression (which is what dd is suffering from). I would definitely keep pushing for a CAHMS assessment. Write down everything you can think of about her behaviour that is different or difficult, underline the most salient parts, take it to your GP and just keep repeating "I really do think she needs a referral". If you get no luck that way, try the school: ask to book an appointment with the school SENCO/counsellor and ask if they can refer/put pressure on the doctor/get in touch with CAHMS on your behalf. That's how we got seen so quickly this time: the school counsellor knows all the CAHMS people and was able to ring and explain. I would particularly stress the fact that she is putting herself in dangers. I think a major reason we got seen so quickly was that dd had started cutting herself and was threatening suicide tbh I don't think there ever was a big risk of her killing herself, but it got them moving.

I do hope you get some help, it sounds very difficult for all of you.

It's really affecting all of us esprcially other dcs. On Friday I was so upset I just wanted to call social services and get them to take her away :(

Prisoner - sounds like good advice from Cory .
Can you talk to the school today ?
Thinking of you .

We had a meeting at the school with the form teacher and teacher/counsellr on Friday evening. Seemed to go ok but DD didn't really think it helped her much.

Been to see our GP today and he is going to do a referral to CAHMS. Hopfully this will sort thigs out and make her feel better about her self.

Have spent nearly all of my time with her over the weekend and on the whole her general mood has been good, we have had the odd hiccup but suppose thats to be expected. Unfortunately it's not that practical to spend all my time with her on a weekend. DS2 (4yo) has been left to his own devices and has totally trashed the house.

Hope you can find someone to give you a hand ,untrashing the house and some moral support !
Keep going and don't forget to look after yourself.