12year old twins can't stand each other - advice please

[Misfitless]

(Have also posted this in Multiple Births.)
My lovely sister is tearing her hair out and is being made utterly miserable by her DSs constant relntless arguing.

I feel especially sad for them all (including BIL and my DNs) because they are twins. Somehow this makes it worse (IMO) I feel they should be close and supportive of each other but if you can imagine the polar opposite of this and times it by 10, you'll get an idea of how bad things are between them.

They haven't been especially close since they were about 7/8 if I remember rightly but it is definately getting worse. One DN is particularly upset by this - they put each other down all the time and it's affecting his confidence A LOT

As things are spilling over in to school life I have suggested that DS contacts school and gets them to have a word whilst not mentioning that this was initiated by my sister - they might take more notice if a teacher has a stern word (was my reasoning.)

TBH if they weren't related, and one pupil was treating another pupil in this way, I think the parents of the child on the receiving end of the behaviour would almost certainly be contacting school and the word bullying would be being branded around.

Please help if you can.

Thanks for reading - I know it's long winded but don't think I've put enough info on the post I put in multiple births.

It's so sad - it could be so good to have a close and lovely relationship with a twin, couldn't it?... What a shame...

Ok - no experience of twins myself (just 2 daughters who regularly compete for Most Breathtakingly Vile Sibling Award:

Are they already in different classes at school? Perhaps they should be?

If it continues to be so dreadful/ damaging, would your sister consider moving one of them to a different school?

Are they both kept very busy outside of school with different activities? Ideally you want one flat outvwith his music, football and sea scouts and the other fully occupied with his drama, hockey and St John's ambulance (or whatever).

My girls are definitely better with each other when they are busy with their own lives and have limited time together. It's sad... I'm an only child and dreamed that my two would be fabulously loving and fiercely proud and protective of each other..

Hopefully they'll all grow out of this once they're adults.

I think that it is quite common, everyone fondly imagines that they will have a special bond and it isn't always the case. The ones that I know are about 13yrs now, I first knew them at 7yrs. They are so alike that I can't tell apart and they are horrible to each other. I think she need to treat them as differently as possible, spend time with one while the other is out and vice versa. Have a word with the school and try and get them as separate as possible, even think of different schools.

Agree with separating them at school and as much as is humanly poosible at home via activities.
Do they have different friends, because that could help enomously, organising different sleepovers i.e. one twin staying at home with their friends while other goes to his friends housse then vice versa.

Alos if it was me (and this is what I do) I would tell them that violence is unacceptable and you don't want to witness it it your home so zero tolerance from now on with severe consequenses, for both of them.
Talk an issue out with no verbal abuse, but don't be too much of a referee though. I know it's a fine line but you will get there.

Mine know that conflict happens but it shouldn't be abusive.
They do argue still especially now homones are involved but I cannot tolerate violence and abusiveness.

Wow - brilliant advice thank you so much cyrilsneer et al!

I have suggested the activity idea several times but we've never been able to come up with anything other than what they already do (one goes to drama after school one evening a week and the other has art class every other week on a Saturday for a couple of hours).

I suggested sea and air cadets but my sister said that she didn't want them doing either of these things and after that I was at a loss - they're not into sports, you see.

Anyway as soon as I read about St John's Ambulance my heart skipped a beat - it's perfect IMO. Have just phoned sister immediately after reading it and she thinks that's a brilliant idea too.

She's a nurse and my BIL is a paramedic so we are all ata loss as to why we've never thought of this before.

Re school - they are in different classes for everything at my sister's insistence. Don't think changing schools would be an option - who do you move? Think it would be very unsettling for either one. Unless....I might suggest that she thinks about moving the one who is making the other one's life hell UNLESS he stops his behaviour. Mmmmm!

I'm so grateful to you all...between you and me my sister has always assumed MN is full of 'my life and my kids and my DH are all perfect' types even though I've assured her we are not all like that (at least not all of the time . This has convinced her it's a good place to be, I hope!

Mamas12 - yes, firm boundaries need to be instilled about acceptable arguing/conflicts...and that goes for my house too!

Thanks everyone

Slightly different situation here but I do sympathise. I'm a stepmum to non-identical girls (also 12) and they wind each other up dreadfully.

It really really helps that they have us to come to, since we moved closer they visit individually and they get time away from each other, and alone time with both parents. It's also got better since they went to secondary and although they have some lessons together, they are more separate and as it's a bigger school they have totally different lives and friends.

I hope things improve with different activities, it's so important to find something they are good at. Particularly for one, who is dyslexic. Joining science club really helped her. Lack of money makes it difficult but you can look in directories for free stuff, and there should be things at school.

And then it's just a case of finding things they can do separately at home - eg cooking - could they take turns at helping mum do the dinner? So they can catch up on the day. Perhaps somehow they could also work out a schedule for homework, as all sitting down together can often create tension (especially if there is a disparity in their abilities)

HTH :)

Thanks FreudianSlippery - I think you're right. They do need more time without each other which I can totally understand. I think maybe the one who likes to come and spend time at my house needs to do that more often if he's in agreement (I hope and am sure he would be!).

It does help to know that there are others in this situation. I'm sure my sister will find some comfort in this.

There are definite similarities with my DNs and you DSDs - they are non-identical, have different abilities and one loves cooking!
Appreciate words of advice and encouragement!

At least at this age they are old enough to be told WHY they need time apart. We moved here when the girls were 10 - before that we lived about an hour away and generally only had them visiting together. When we told them we were moving to their town to spend more time with them, as well as for help with schoolwork etc, we did say that it meant they could stay individually.

In fact their mum has (finally!) started letting them stay on school nights too, as they are able to get the bus themselves.

I guess it depends on finances, but if you have a look at what clubs are available (it doesn't have to be sport, there's stuff like nature clubs too - have a google or look in the library) maybe you could pay the fees as their birthday/Xmas presents?