Online gaming. How much is too much?

[greenteaforme]

My DS is 17 and for the last 4yrs has played World of Warcraft. Due to excessive use it has been removed numerous times in the past.

Left unregulated he was gaming 70-80hrs pw. Now I have parental controls allowing 5.5hrs a day. He only passed 3 of 10 GCSE`s due to gaming instead of revison. I thought he would of learnt from this but he has not. Recently a friend died and left him £500. I saw his bank statement and he spent every penny on buying virtual things to improve his characters and change his Guild etc. I was very upset. he was going to use it for driving lessons.

Background is that son is quite a loner and said he always felt like a geek in school. He was not the cool kid. Now he is in college and has met others who play WOW. They apparently are not regulated by their parents. He says he is only happy when playing the game, and I am keeping him from his friends.

Today he is moping around as usual as his gaming is due to start at 6.30. He plays 38.5hrs a week and he thinks this is unfair. I think this is horendous.He now has like minded friends and works 2 evenings a week.

Should I just let him get on with it and take the parental controls off as he should at his age be allowed to regulate his own life.
Or do I still need to Parent him and see this as an addiction?

I am so confused.DS2 spends similar amounts of time in his room and his money on cinema, clothes etc. Am I being unfair judging my DS1 as I think gaming is unhealthy? Its been his whole life for the last 4yers.I am scared he will waste his life gaming...

I think he still needs you to parent him over this as he will just spend all his time on it otherwise.

My friends DS (18) has had huge problems with WOW, they live very near to his sixth form and he was going home every day at lunchtime and in every free period to go on the computer(and sometimes when he should have been in lessons) so they had to take his door key back to stop him. It was taking over his life and affecting his studies. I think they made him go cold turkey and not go on it for two weeks in the summer which helped to break the addition a bit although it his hours on it do still creep up if they don't stop him.

I don't think there is anything wrong with gaming as part of teenage life but not when its taking over.

I think you need to treat it as an addiction - anything that someone would do for that many hours to the the exclusion of "normal" life is unhealthy. And I'd say that if he was spending 70-80 hours per week in the gym or watching football too. I have no problem with gaming as a hobby or interest, but when you can't study or work because of it, it's a problem.

I don't think you can really control what he spends money on, if he was given it directly. But you need to help him to control this even if he doesn't want your help.

38.5 hours a week still sounds like a lot to me, he shouldn't feel that's too little. Have you tried talking to someone like your GP to see if they can refer him to a counsellor of some sort? He needs to start looking at why he feels the need to do this instead of spending time with people or doing a range of things.

(FWIW My DS is also 17 and plays on consoles and PC games, though not WOW. He doesn't spend anything like that much time in a week on games)

web - thanks for that. Its tricky when they get to that age. My DS1 has gone cold turkey numerous times, once for three weeks. We have a chat about self disipline and the next day he is on it for 16 hrs again. He looses self control.

AMum - I have told him that I want to check his bank statement as I am scared he will go overdrawn. Then he stole his brothers card details and spent £30 on his character so it would not show on his account. He said in his defence that he was desperate. I dont know whether Counselling would be effective as he is not a talker but a withdrawer, if you know what I mean.

I can hear him in his room now chatting online laughing with his friends playing this game. It seems to be the only fun thing in his life.

Anyone else with any experience ?

Hi Greentea

I was just about to go to bed when I read this post and didn't want to read & run.

Mate, I totally understand your son. I was that person. I was the guy who played Warcraft obsessively. To the point where my kids knew not to disturb me and if I am honest, it played a large contributory factor as to why I broke up with my last ex.

You need to start treating this as an addiction. Because that is EXACTLY what it is. When playing your logic is compromised. You are in a world where it seems normal that everyone plays and those who don't simply don't understand. It's almost cult-like.

You already know why your son has become addicted. It's because in WOW, he feels like he belongs. In real life, people judge him and pass him off as a geek. A social misfit. In Warcraft he has the best armour, the best gear. People ask for him by name and he's relied upon, in fact NEEDED to complete raids. He's probably either a guildmaster or an officer of his guild. That means he's got some "authority" or power unlike in the real world.

In Warcraft he is rewarded for every little accomplishment, rarely punished. If he doesn't down that boss, farm enough materials for the next level item then someone else will. Over time he will be less important. An importance he's sweated 80 hours a week to achieve. And he's not going to risk losing his social status.

In short, he belongs.

I've gone on about this to hopefully make you understand what a powerful pull the game has on him. I remember in the height of my addiction. My ex used to turn up at the study stark naked and all I could think of was "FFS, now I have to go and I'll be letting my guild down!"

So now you know why....the question is how do you break the cycle of addiction? You need something to replace it. The thing he's getting from WOW is social proof. What you need to do is discourage his playing whilst improving his social circle. Easier said than done I know.

If you can somehow get him to join some clubs, take up a sport, whatever. Over time you will probably find his interest wanes.

For me it was after my ex left. My kids needed me to be around more and as a result I went out more. As I socialised more, I found I didnt have time to play anymore. After a while I just quit as I was paying £9 a month for nothing.

Interestingly enough, after a couple of years I did go back to the game but was pretty laid back with it. Coincidentally I've just quit again today as I just dont have the time/inclination to keep chasing the epics and the amount of time the new expansion is demanding is way higher than the previous pack.

In the short term I recommend you limit his time to 2.5 hours a day and perhaps increase it on raid night (give him 1! Otherwise if he's hardcore, he'll be raiding 3-4 times a week). A limit of 2.5 hours will be enough to do an instance, farm some mats but not while away the hours on multiple characters.

If all that fails, you can invoke the ultimate sanction. Cut off the Internet. Actually or better still.....delete his characters. But you'd better be careful of the resulting explosion though.

What a good post, Niceguy, it's so important to see the problem from the OP's son's perspective.

Good luck in trying to get him to do other things, OP, I suspect it's going to be hard, the only thing I can suggest might compete is airsofting, which is something my ds is just getting into. It's real life battles, a bit like paintball but with airsoft guns (plastic pellets which don't hurt massively but make things realistic).

My ds went for a taster session a couple of weeks ago and is hooked. You don't have to buy all the gear but he has, inc. cammo clothes, a replica M4 etc. They rampage through woodland, also close quarter combat in disused building on the site. He finds it sooooo much more exciting than playing Call of Duty.

Not cheap, but at least it gets them out of their room and playing against real people.

Niceguy - sorry in my delay in thanking you. I thought the thread had died. Your words were so true.You really understand it from his point of view. My eyes were welling up reading it the bit about how he feels needed and that he belongs.
I guess thats why I have found it so hard to pull the plug on the internet. He feels good about himself while on WOW.

I will do as you suggest, and limited his time and hope life evolves outside of the game. I think I will show him what you posted as he will relate to you more than me. Thank you so much. Its a relief to hear from someone who gets it.

North - will look into airsofting. We are down in cornwall so it maybe not available here. I have tried quad biking and he used to play footy for a local team. Everything fell away the more he played WOW as it got in the way with his raids etc. Though that was then and this is now., I will try again.

I so feel for you greentea.
My Ds has tendency to spend way too much time on line .
Not WOW ,but probably similar - I don't even know ,but I'm shocked when I overhear him talking while playing .
He sounds so different - happy and confident .
He has a very small social circle but fortunately does do something called live action role play - very complicated ,lots of rules and races ,you invent your character ( get dressed up ,make up etc ) and follow a campaign ( mock fights ,healing ,special effects ).
So I'd recommend it - found these 2 links which may or may not help .( DS's group are lovely ,different ages ,very friendly and well run ).
mk-mk.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2234511107&topic=3122

users.whsmithnet.co.uk/leviathanlrp/
Really wish you luck .

Just reread your posts .
It does sound a lot of time and I definitely think you need to help him .
Wondering if 2 days a week with no WOW would be good idea ,get some distance ....
If any comfort I have v.high achieving american friend with twin boys who are also top of the range .
They had serious WOW problems and eventually had to go cold turkey .

Ginger - thanks for your imput. I have looked at the links and will discuss with Ds. It looks interesting. Never heard of it before.

I have limited his WOW time to 15 hours a week now over 3 nights. Hopefully he will find something else in his life. Sounds like your son has life more balanced. Thanks again.

We had a similar problem with my son in his first A level year. He had chosen to do maths, but struggled from the start, and we didn't realise till he did his mocks quite how much this problem was pulling down all his studies - looked like he was going to end up with two grade D A levels instead of 3B's as predicted.

What I didn't realise was that with his nice small group of friends, the "Nerd herd", all good lads, they were spending all their "study periods" gaming and had even set up a wireless network at school. He had also subscribed to WOW and so we took the computer out of his bedroom and put it in the living room - the consequence was that he got up again when we had gone to bed and was playing all night. That was the limit.

Major fireworks when I sabotaged the computer for WOW, "you've wasted all my money" (Tough!) - seriously addictive behaviour, and even now you mustn't listen to anything he says for at least half an hour after he has been forced off the computer, he can be foul.

In the end he changed school, changed subjects and repeated the year. I am happy to say that despite gaining a new circle of gaming friends (all nice lads again!)he managed the three B's after all and is now at uni. Thank God he is doing an outdoorsy practical subject, unlike his friend who is studying to be a games programmer (and will probably make millions, or fail to have a real life in the attempt.)There are times when I ring him up and get vague answers and lots of keyboard noises, but he's a big boy now and has to sort it out for himself when away from home. We still impose house rules when he is at home, he has subscribed to WOW again but seems to control it better. Thank God also for his girlfriend, it seems that sex still holds more attractions for him than virtual reality.

I love my son, he is kind, gentle and loving, doesn't do (other) drugs or spend much on alcohol, but also but it seems to me that this is a very evil influence on peoples lives, very addictive, life consuming. I fear for this generation, and I am not in the slightest bit surprised that people lose their families over this, it is a wicked tragedy and I am pity those children.

Well done sob ,you pulled him through .
I spend a lot of time feeling guilty about DS and on line games - but they are a powerful influence ,like drugs .
I don't think that there's enough awareness .

its funny when my younger brothers try and stress how addictive this game is. the expressions on thier faces lol. i will never understand looks far too boring to me and have far bigger worries than a game.tbh at times i think ah well at least they r safe in the house and they have always loved gaming but it does makes you worry about social development and how they will fare in the real world. its the 1st thing they think about when getting in from school until bed time.