Is my daughter depressed or just lazy?

[Photofan]

Hi I have a 17yr old daughter who since starting in 6th form which is very 'part time' due to her choice of subjects has become extremely lazy - to the point where she regularly overlays - misses her lessons and then doesnt bother to get up at all until 5-6pm. She then goes to friends houses without tea and returns at past midnight - even then she doesnt stop txting or facebooking until after 2am on a regular basis. At weekends she stays out all night - comes home at lunchtimeish and then just goes to bed.. On the days when she does get up and so to school in the mornings she will return home at lunctime and then go to bed for 3-4 hours - before going out again at 6pm (without tea) and the whole cycle starts again. I dont think it is depression otherwise she wouldn't be interested in a social life with her friends. I am afraid she doesn't get much sympathy from me which I dont know if this is the right response to give but I beleive in a 'tough love approach' but unfortunately I fear this is driving her away even more. Is it just teenage hormones or should I seek medical advice? - I would be interested to hear from mums in a similar situation and also Mums who have had teens with this problem who have passed thru this stage! as it seems to be going on forever and she is totally wasting her life and education at the moment which is causing me great anxiety and really affecting all memebers of the family! Thanks

Is she enjoying college? Is she happy with the subjects she chose? I ask because my 16 yr old has just decided to start afresh next year as she hated her subjects...if the fb all night is an issue then switch off the broadband at midnight!! Also you do say you have the tough love approach but she seems to have a very free rein for a teenager living at home!!!!

If I had the chance to get up late, swan about doing nothing all day, wander off out with friends, stay out late, etc, then I'd take it! That probably makes me lazy, but I'm not depressed or hormonal or in any need of medical help.

I'm not sure where "tough love" comes into this apart from you not being sympathetic - you seem to be letting her way with a very cushy lifestyle from what you've posted here.

I would be telling her to get to all her classes, setting a curfew, stopping pocket money, and not paying for the texting. I'd also be removing the opportunity to Facebook from her bedroom - if she can't be trusted to stop at a decent hour to sleep, she isn't adult enough to be left to choose for herself.

yes, which bit is tough?

Thanks to everyone for your advice - I agree wholeheartedly with all your comments but I am sure you will agree it is not as easy to implement all these 'rules' when you have a teenager who is determined to defy them and also seems to have a set of friends all with parents who seem to let their children get away with this lifestyle. In answer to the first reply - yes she is happy at school - thankfully up until now I havent had any problems with her not going, but I have always professed that she goes for all the wrong reasons! She seems to have no intrinsic motivation to study and do well but just goes for the social side to see all her friends. She is not stupid and managed to get 6 Cs and Bs in her GCSEs with hardly any revision outside of school at all.

The comment which I was referrring to as 'tough love' is the fact that I seem to be permanently 'lecturing' her about her lack of motivation, self-discipline, lack of self-worth and responsibility for herself and I am now worried that she is showing symptoms of depression by staying in bed all day and escaping from the real world. I feel she is too old now (although not mentally) to be imposing curfews etc - which she simmply doesnt respect. An example of this is last summer when we asked her not to be out all night at a friends when we knew the parents were away - not only did she deliberately disobey this request but when we intentionally embarrased her by callling to pick her up at 4am in our nightclothes, she just went back again as soon as we were in bed having escaped out of her bedroom window! (we had hidden the door key)

The last thing I want to do is alienate her any more and drive her away - I am trying to keep our lines of communication open but feel I am failing in all respects. It has been reassuring reading the problems that others on this site have with their teenagers.

At the age of 18 my daughter was losing interest in college, a later rebellion. She was previously immaculate in appearance and tidy. She also kept losing item after item -her response was to laugh. I felt the answer was to be strict but then I became suspicious of the amount of time she was spending on the internet. Her behavior went off the rails and her appearance went downhill. She was secretive and withdrawn and I later found emails with shocking content that I took to the police. It turned out she was being abused and I was swamped also with caring responsibilities for my younger daughter who had a breakdown at 13 and diagnosed with First Rank Schizophrenia and my elderly father and so I will truly regret not being around more to keep an eye on things. She was put on a long waiting list under the mental health. Her behaviour turned aggressive. In hindsight if only she had been assessed sooner I would have taken a different approach. It is not always the answer to be strict. Sometimes this drives people away and I wish I had been more observant but I put this down to her age and normal behaviour at the time. I sought medical advice for her but I am afraid I wish I had never bothered because the first thing they do is stick someone on medication. My youngest at the age of 13 on a medication that made her feel dreadful and pile on weight and I looked it up "not tried and tested on children". Thankfully I was able to get her off medication and she is going from strength to strength but I feel I have failed with my elder daughter who is stuck on medication for the rest of her life and this has increased her aggression to the point she no longer can live with me. I tried the "tough love" approach but this did not work and unfortunately my elder daughter is severely disabled through mental illness brought on by an incident that happened to her and probably not helped by my reaction -in fact the more I reacted, the more she rebelled and the more she did this the more unsympathetic I became and put it down to extremely bad behaviour but I was wrong - she is severely mentally ill. Watch what doctors prescribe in terms of medication and look up the side effects etc as once on it, it can affect everything and does not always do any good.

Photofan your dd isn't going to do well at AS level if she continues like this and also isn't organising her life in a healthy way. She doesn't have enough to do during the day does she?
I agree with some others: Go out for coffee or a pizza with her and have a chat about your worries. Try and agree some ground rules. She may not stick to them but will appreciate your interest and effort. They still like to think you are concerned for their safety at that age. Ask her to stay at home 4 nights, go out 3 nights, something like that.
Insist on knowing where she is and who with.
Turn off the broadband at midnight. Stop her pocket money if she doesn't stick to her side of any agreement.
Talk with her and college about interesting extracurricular stuff she could get involved with and would be prepared to commit to in the daytime - plays/volunteering/sport/music- and back her up in this with offers of transport and interest etc.
Keep home as welcoming as you can and suggest she brings her friends round home as long as no alcohol and no drugs, to save her having to always go out.
You have probably tried all this but stick with it and stay calm but firm and keep going.

Funnyperson - you have really hit the nail on the head with your reply! - and yes I have tried all the things you suggest but find it so difficult to talk to her in a calm way she will respond to as she simply walks out or shuts off whenever I try. I dont usually wear my 'heart on my sleeve' by writing on such forums as this - in fact I feel I am doing the very thing I tell her not too (fbook) but as you can probably tell I am my wits end and sick with worry about her current lifestyle and the thought of what it will lead to for her future. Thanks so much for your comments and support - like I say it has reasurred me reading some of the other posts on here that my situation is not that unusual and I need to be thankful that she isn't on drugs or excessive alcohol.

My dd would lie in bed until 4 or 5 if I let her, so I don't. 11am is the cut off, if she's not up and about I go in and throw the curtains open and tell her I need her out of bed as I'm going to wash her bedclothes or clean her bedroom windows or something. That way it doesn't look like I'm harrassing her personally, just that things need done and she has to work round that. It usually helps if there's a wee cup of tea and roll on bacon waiting too.

My son does have mental health issues which have improved enormously over the last 6 months. But I find it very difficult to tell the difference between lazy teenage behaviour and signs of a real problem. He will stay in bed until about 2 in the afternoon if left. His timetable also means that he does not have to be in earlier than 1pm, but he is still sometimes late. I am told by others that unless teenagers have got something they really want to do they simply can't be bothered to get up. And they don't usually have much they WANT to do until the evening. I got so fed up with constantly shouting for him to get up and my morning being spoilt by this that I am leaving him to his own devices to see what happens. However, I know I won't be able to do this for more than a week and then I'll start interfering again.

This post hasn't been much help I'm afraid except to say I think alot (although not all) teenagers act this way if they can and its very frustrating. He is supposed to be looking for a job during his free time but he seems to think it will happen by some miracle.