Here's a Shocker.........

[Tatti]

I have just discovered my teenage son age 15 is sleeping with his girlfriend age 14. Of course (as far as possible) I will make sure this can't happen again but - do I tell his girlfriend's Mother?

Obviously I will deal with my son privately but what about the other family? I don't know them very well to know how difficult a conversation it would be.

Does anybody have experience of this? What would Mother's of daughters expect in this position? I only have sons.

Thank you...

14 is very young to start this sort of relationship IMO. If my DD was doing this I would want to know.

Maybe mentioning to your son that once he reaches 16 having sex with someone under the legal age limit is a sexual offence and he could be prosecuted.

I would try and get this out in the open now. It is difficult to say how to go about it, as you say you don't know the family well, but you won't know until you try. If you have their number maybe give them a call or if they are at the same school, call the school and see if anyone there can mediate/talk with the two of them.

Reading this back, it doesn't seem very helpful. sorry. Hope someone with more experience posts.

What a sticky situation. I don't have much in te way of advice but would not get the school involved, that's for sure. As for all that about prosecution... nooooo! Only if you want to alienate him for ever.

Have you had 'the talk' with your son? (Or has your DP?) Does he know about being responsible as far as protection is concerned? Time for that now, if not. IME they do a lot of stuff at school & Youth Club about condoms etc.

thinking about it, I would probably ask your DS to get his GF to talk to her mum. Of course, she might not want to. I would keep quiet about it, I think.

I'm a mother of girls (12,10,5) and I would want to know if one of my daughters was sleeping with her boyfriend.

First off you need to make sure they are using contraception, preferably more than one sort!

Then I'd ask the girl to speak with her Mum and/or Dad about being sexually active. Without knowing the parents, it's impossible to know how they'd react, but I'd definitely be encouraging her to talk to them, or an older sibling if she has one.

I'd also ask the other parents if you could meet them and have a chat to get to know them a bit better. Given that your children are sleeping with each other, hopefully they're serious about their relationship and I would like to meet the other parents.

I wouldn't try to persuade them not to sleep with each other as I think it's pointless and that they'll do it anyway.

I have a 14 year old DD and I would want to know.

But wouldn't it be best coming from the daughter, not the BF's mother? If your 14yo DD has a BF, do you not talk about this kind of thing, and be aware of what she's up to?

It's a bit of a tricky one, because the OP doesn't know how her family will react - they might be offended that she didn't tell them, wonder if she was coerced, explode with rage, whatever.

When it became obvious to me that DD (15) was getting very close to her BF we had a little chat, about how she didn't have to sleep with him, etc. They left it for over a year before getting that serious.

I found this kind of thing very difficult, to be open & accepting of behaviour which is very diffrent from my own upbringing, but thanks to wonderful MN I've kept our relationship open & adult. DD is happy with her long-term BF, she is 17 & they've been together 3 years. But I would've found it a bit funny of her BF's mum had phoned me up, or the school

Could you speak to the GF?

Thank you - I think you are all right!! They are using protection and that is how I found out, although mistakes can still happen. My son and I spoke about this some time ago when I was suspicious but he assured me he was not sleeping with her and his girlfriend said she was very shocked that I even thought she was. I now think this was a smoke screen!

I cannot let this get to the stage where he is 16 (legal) and she is not - but don't know how to stop him. I cant follow him around all day and they are obviously making opportunites, not being given them...

Yes I am reluctant to get the school involved and make it too 'official'. Also I don't want him feeling under the spotlight. Sadly I know of other 15 year olds who are 'active' but not with younger partners.

When we were going through all the thing with DD and her BF (who were both underage), I came onto MN & asked for help.

Someone said that just because they spend time in bed together, doesn't necessarily mean they do more than cuddle - she'd 'cuddled' for weeks & not gone further. They are pretty clued up these days & maybe not as silly as kids in previous decades.

Another MNer said that she had lost her virginity in her own bed, where it was special & she felt safe, rather than round the back of a bus shelter or somewhere else unsuitable. So that made a big impression on me & I've welcomed the BF & (when they started to get serious) eventually went with DD to the Drs to discuss contraception & DD is now on the Pill.

My mum & ILS would be horrified, & DH turns a blind eye, but I feel it's been a good way of handling it.

However, I am saying this as the mother of the DD. If it was my DS & someone else's (young) DD, not sure how I'd handle it!

awwwww well 14 and 15 is obviously too young to be having sex, but the harsh reality is if their not going to get the chance to do it in your house anymore they WILL find somewhere else, be it in a bus shelter or a park, and i think the thought of that is more terrible then the fact they are doing it in a safe environment using protection! no matter how you try to stop this it will again, i mean what 15 and 14 year olds are going to listen to their parents telling then to stop being sexually active in this day and age?! Im 20 so i can remember being their age as if it was yesterday, although im happy to say i did wait until i was 16! but tens of others didnt! It is a shame that 14 and 15 year olds are sexually active but look around at tv, music videos and all the rest of it and its just the world we live in!
From their point of view their ''In Love'' and you should be proud they are using protection thousands dont! and i hardly think they will say ''lets wait a couple of years before we have sex again'' now that they have started. maybe you should sit them down and talk to them both about the situation, the importance of protection, the dangers of underage pregnancy and stds?

Can I just ask, are you sure it was with his girlfriend? Because if what you've found is a used condom, he may have been with someone else, and you could be putting the cat among the pigeons by speaking either to the girlfriend or her parents......?

well, not brave enough here to use my regular posting name as i know people on here irl.
anyway i have a carbon copy of your situation, a year ago my 14 yo Ds !!!! told me he had slept with his 14 yo girlfriend (she is 4 months younger than him, and in the school year below which i feel makes it even worse). He was in Y10 at the time, she was in Y9.
In all other respects he's a model kid, helpful, chatty, works really hard at school etc etc.
Anyhow apart from telling DH I did nothing about it, other than reiterating the condoms chat.
Much to my horror about 2-3 weeks later the girlfriends dad rang and gave me a really hard time, was horrible about his daughter etc. i did say that it would be hard to stop unless they were both permanently grounded, but did go on about how i didn't think it was acceptable etc. He asked me to throw his daughter out onto the street if she ever appeared at our house, We compromised on i would phone him immediately so he could collect her.
Roll on year, they are still together, 15 now so still under the legal age [aaargh emoticon], and presumably still at it.
I can't pretend i'm really happy about it, and am particularly concerned if they are still together what happens during the 4 months when my Ds is 16, and she isn't. I haven't really any useful advice, only wanted to let you know you are not the only one, and it doesn't make them bad kids - both my Ds and his girlfriend are really lovely and both are doing well at school.
We took the view that expecting says - you can try to ban it, but probably will just move the activity to the bus stop/park bushes/starbucks loos whatever.

Apologies for the late response - I have a stroppy internet router!

I had a talk alone with DS and he has admitted it. I am pleased to be on an honest footing but worried all the same. I have told him he is too young etc etc and that it cannot continue when he is an 'adult' of 16 and his girlfriend still a 'child' of 15. I worry for the possibility of repercussions or accusations should they fall out later - I think its very difficult for boys as they too are full of emotion and new feelings but often seen as the instigator in this kind of situation. In fact often they are not...

Incidentally it has never happened in my house (apparently) so where it goes on is still a mystery!

So far haven?t spoken to girlfriend's family, still unsure about that one.