Advice would be much appreciated

[bella102]

Hi :)
I am new to this site, and reading previous threads has helped to believe that im not alone.

Ill try and keep it short lol

Nearly 11 years ago my husband and I seperated when my daughter was 2. She is now almost 13. My ex husband has always been in my daughters life, though not reliable, for times of pick up and drop off, forgotten her birthday, and generally selfish. He met his now wife 4 weeks after we split up, and they have been together since. She has bad mouthed me to my daughter, which I have tried to brush off when speaking to her about it. And occasionally, when i thought they had over stepped the mark, I would pull them up about it with out my daughter knowing. Well it all come to a head about a year and a half ago, My ex's wife had a baby, And I was taking my daughter over to see her new brother, and I felt as though my daughter was being pushed aside. She wasnt allowed over to stay over anymore, The new wife said she wouldnt look after my daughter unless her dad was there and so on. Well I felt enough was enough, and I said something, and all hell broke loose. It was all my fault. I have always encourged my daughter to see her dad, sent birthday, xmas, fathers days cards and a small gift from my daughter - Wanted him to play a bigger part by coming to school sports days, and school plays etc. But he never did.

So after all this my daughter decided she didnt want to see her dad, and this was for a year. She missed her brother dreadfully. Every couple of weeks I would say about seeing her dad again, and she was adamant she wouldnt.

Then on night she was so upset that she wanted to see them again, so we helped her to do that. it started Thursday night and Sunday during the day, then we had the bombshell that she wanted to spend 3 nights and four days with with them.

My heart broke. It was such a blow. I really felt as though my heart was being torn out of my chest. But i have always tried to do the right thing for her, and felt if i said no, she would pull away even more. But im still doubting I done the right thing, Im so scared she will want to go there full time.

She never talks about her dad, its ALL about her brother. But now the ex wife is trying to play a bigger part, and they are always texting each other, Again always about her brother. But i get very jelous, which i know i have to stop.

I worry that they will let my daughter stay home, when she should be at school, and more worries about alsorts.

I have no contact with My ex husband or his wife. Even though I would speak to them, with no malice, because that would help to make my daughter feel more comfortable, I have to do it all through my daughter, which i never wanted.

Im sorry this is so long, I hope that you are able to send some advice my way....

TY in advance x

Hmm.

My instinct, based solely on how I would feel myself, would be to tell your DD that 3 nights/four days simply isn't practical at the moment, but that you are happy for her to spend, say, each weekend with her father and his family. Talk to her and say that you understand how much she wants to see her brother, how lovely it is that she has one, you're very pleased for her etc, but living there half the week just isn't an option at the moment.

Does her father live close enough to her school to get her there on time? You mention that you would worry that she won't get there. Is that a real concern? If so I think I would tell her so, but maybe try to put it more in the vein of 'Your schoolwork is so important I don't want to risk that being disrupted'.

I have immense sympathy for you- my xh got in touch with my ds for the first time in over a year and is now offering presents, holidays etc etc. It still makes me seethe inside that he has this ability to get under my skin, but ds1 is nearly 15 and has formed his own opinions about his father so it's not too bad.

I have no personal experience of this, but having observed a friend go through a similar thing, all I would say is this. Weekends are the fun part of the week. My friend got the shitty end of the stick Mon-Thursday. On Fri, Sat and Sun her DC would be off having a good time with the dad.
This really put a great strain on my friend. She was the one doing the disciplining etc, Dad was the one doing the cool stuff.

Good point, kreecher.

Well, maybe every other weekend and one midweek night might work?

Just from an academic point of view. This was the set up with my DSS. Week one- three days here, four days with MUM, Week two- Four days here, three days with mum.

This went on until GCSE year when we all realised that homework/coursework was falling through the gap between 'homes'. Different discipline in each 'home' was also a problem. DSS has lived with us ever since (mum didn't want full time responsibility).

But our relationship with mum was tense at times which looking back did not help.

I also know a family for whom this worked well, but communication was good between both couples.