Caught in middle

[Caughtinmiddle]

Not sure what to do....

DH did an unforgiveable thing a few weeks back and read DD1 diary (she's 17) and found out that she had had sex 3 times so far - one with Boyf at time and then with 2 others. All after she was 16.

He was furious (can't see why, above age of consent), ranted about her sleeping around. Perhaps it's a father thing.

Told me about it and asked me to talk to her. I had the facts of life talk with her years ago, and also the contraception talk ages ago. I have a good relationship with her and she's generally a good girl - nothing wild just a teenager.

Started the conversation and over a couple of days found that she wasn't taking any regular contraception so talked about the options. DD would be mortified if she knew I had been talking to DH about it.

I am then relaying some of this on to DH and he is adamant that she shouldn't be on anything and it should only start when she is in relationship.

Being in the middle, then talked again to DD about one-night stands and relationships. Confident that she is sensible and understands implications. Suggested that she should wait - was pissed off with me for going about face.

Text this morning from her to say it's her body and up to her what she does with it - is going to clinic after college to get sorted out.

In some ways I agree with her - she's telling me more than I told my mum, but what do I then do about her father who will hit the roof - but if DD knew he knew she would never trust me again.

DH doesn't trust her and I don't trust his reaction. He started the whole thing off by looking at her private stuff.

Should I keep quiet, or persuade her otherwise?

i have boys thankfully. think your husband is trying to put his values onto you and your daughter and that as you have thought this through carefully you need to have another chat with him to give your viewpoint.

he needs to accept that your daughter is nearly grown-up and is starting to think for herself. he is losing daddy's little girl which must be hard for him. currently he's saying it should only start in a relationship - but will the goalpost then change once this happens - ie he doesn't like the boy

he needs to be reminded that he cannot look at her private stuff - this is totally wrong.

if kids are going to have sex, there's not much you can do to stop it - just encourage them to be responsible - as your daughter seems to be

good luck. not sure i've been much help.

Why are you caught int he middle? She's your child too and your opinion of the best way to deal with this is just as valid as his. In fact more so cos he's telling YOU to do things his way but not dealing with it himself.

If you disagree with his views, tell him so, and don't repeat his views to your daughter. If he is determined to tell her how to live her life, and so risk ruining his reputation with her, let him do it himself.

It's not up to him to decide whether or not she should choose to have sex - she is not his property, and she is not a child.

"Reputation" there was meant to be "relationship"....

I think he has to either -

1. say that talking to her about sex is your responsibility as her mother, but accept that you then have the authority to tell her what you believe, and not be a recorded message.

or 2. take responsibility himself for telling her what he believes

He can't expect you to tell her what he thinks, that's not your job as his wife and her mother. You should tell him to put up or shut up.

Thanks for your responses. We have been texting back and forwards. The upshot is that it is her decision, not mine or her father's. As you say, I'll deal with the fall out from that, it's not her problem.

She doesn't find it easy to talk to me about this sort of thing and I think that she has been brave going this far - if it had been me I'd have just done it.