18 year old daughter meeting a facebook boyfriend

[toomanyteens]

Hi I am new to mumsnet and desperate. my 18 year old daughter has told me she is meeting a boy (21!)tomorrow. she says 'they are going out' as they really like each other. they have never met, their only contact is facebook. my husband and I have told her no way but she has just told me that she has been honest with us. says she could have lied and just gone out and told us she was out with a friend.also says she is not stupid , meeting him in a public place etc. We are so worried but she says she is going to meet him tomorrow morning whether we agree or not as he is fine and not a pervert, weirdo etc. What do we do. how can we stop an 18 year old from meeting a stranger (as i have said in her eyes she knows him !)??

I'm sorry, but she is 18.
Legally an adult.
She can marry, vote, buy alcohol.

You cannot stop her.
You can only advise her on how to stay safe. She's more likely to behave appropriately if you show some trust in her.

You can't stop her- and she isn't doing anything wrong. You know where she is- ask her to tell her friends too- and then let her get on with what is a perfectly normal and risk-assessed situation.

I suppose it's better that she told you than went behind your back. It doesn't mean it's a 'safe' thing to do, and if it goes well she may be inclined to take risks in the future (meeting someone else, or not meeting in a v public place)
Not alot you can do except tell her, several times, how careful and cautious she needs to be. Do they have mutual FB friends who could maybe make up a foursome?

I'd be gutted if my 17 year old did it. But then I don't know for 100% that she isn't.

Nothing prepares you for the worry you feel wheh they reach their teens and start going out.

Hi thanks for these. i had not considered the emergency code. im going to suggest that. I just cant believe she would do something like this. she has literally always been the model child. never been in trouble. grade A student. doesnt drink, smoke, polite and well behaved. My husband and I are so shocked, im lost for words about how i feel about this. was seriously considering going and hiding in train station to watch out ! she has asked me to meet them for coffee as long as im not awful and ask him loads of questions ! of course im going to meet them and ask loads of questions !! keep your fingers crossed he is a nice 'young man'THANKS again

at 18 you cannot stop her.

and i actually think it is great that she has told you and this is a great opportunity for you to show her that you trust her. i know it might be too late now but try not to over react. calm down and accept this is happening, and then have a calm and mature chat with her. ask her what her plans are, what she intends to do or go with him, how she will get help if she needs it. let her come up with teh answers to these questions rather than you telling her what she is allowed to do, that way she will feel in control and will be happier doing things safely if she thinks it is on her own terms. ask her to tell you where she will be and to keep in regular contact with you, rather than you having to ring her. and ask her what time she will be back, rather than you telling her when to be back.

and try to relax, i know this is scary for you but over reacting will only lead to resentment on her part and she will take risks just to stick two fingers up at you.

oh, crosspost. that is great that she is happy for you to meet him.

Hi, woke up feeling calmer this morning after talking over some of the things suggested last night. still can't get my head round the fact she is normally one to stand back and observe first and she is generally not a risk taker!she is getting ready to go and meet him and very excited, i really hope that it all goes well for her and that he:
1- turns up.
2-is who he says he is.
3-not a wierdo etc.
4-is as nice as she seems to think he is
5-that she has as good a day as she appears to think she is going to have.
So today i am going to keep myself busy and hopefully everything will go well and you wont hear about us on the news !!
thanks for all your advice and reassurance. i have 3 teenagers and find this stage of their lives brilliant BUT, much harder to cope with than when they were small biddable and eager to please !!!!!

toomanyteens You are right the teenage years are by far the most tricky, the hardest and the most worrying time.
The baby years were a breeze compared to this.
Like you say it's brilliant fun listening to them, seeing them develop into adults but I do miss the good old days when I knew exactly where they were all the time and who all their friends were. I seem to spend a lot of the time worried about my two dd's, even though they've not really given me cause for concern.

I hope she has a lovely day and everything goes well

It will probably be okay - she is being very sensible in taking a friend, meeting in a public place, telling you where she is going and keeping mobile contact etc. If he was someone dodgy it's much more likely he'd try to push her into meeting in a more risky way.

I met up with an online friend when I was 18 who was a few years older than me - granted we didn't have a "romantic" online relationship, just a friendship, but the way we met up was to meet in London at a coach station (me with a small group of friends) and take a coach for 8 hours up to Edinburgh where we would (all) be staying in a hostel. Possibly not the safest way to do things BUT it was fine, he was just as I imagined he'd be and we got on really well and had a good time.

The fact you say she's an observer not a risk taker is a good sign - she probably is being very cautious. I'm sure it will be fine :) Hope all goes well today!

Hope it went ok toomanyteens, she sounds lovely and as though she is open with you.

Though my kids never met a boyfriend/girlfriend totally online I do remember there was a lot of meeting friends of friends who were at different schools. Or finding people who lived in the area who were going to the same gigs and saying hi when they were there. They'd also do that thing were you meet someone briefly, then add them on myspace or whatever and by the time they met again in real life they were best friends.

I never really got it but it's just how times have changed and as long as they were open with my and conntactable I just accepted this.

toomanyteens, i understand that as a parent you want to protect your kids from hurting but i have to say a few of your pointers (1- turns up.
2-is who he says he is.
3-not a wierdo etc.
4-is as nice as she seems to think he is
5-that she has as good a day as she appears to think she is going to have.)

apart from the weirdo one, are likely to happen at some point in her dadting life anyway and aren't indicative of her choosing the wrong man or being foolish. even if she doesn't turn out to have a great day, it doesn't mean she was wrong to go. there is a saying "suck it and see" meaning we have to try things before we know we like them. if we don't try, we wont ever know. so try not to place too many expectations on today and be there for you DD regardless of how it goes and really really try not to say "i told you so" if it isn't all she expected.

Hi thanks again to everyone its been very helpful writing and reading different points of views. Well just to let you know she had a lovely day. she is back home and annoyingly receiving a text every 10 seconds from HIM (young love!)so as life generally does it has worked out okay. THANK GOODNESS!!
Until the next huge worry from either her or one of my other teens. As my mother says 'you never stop worrying' !!

Firstly wow, everyones kids seem to be really open with their parents now. I never told my parents anything. Shows she trusts you, she is right could have lied. I would have done at her age, says more about you 2 as parents.

But she is 18, nothing you can do.