advice needed please!i'm tearing my hair out!!!!

[teentrouble]

my dd is 13 and in year 8,she is a lovely kind,bright girl and generally a pleasure to be around,however recently she has become very sneeky and disobeadient(spelling)
basically she just will NOT do as she is told instead does whatever she has been told she can't do but behind myself and dh backs,recent examples include taking her ipod to school when asked not too,changing her school shoes whilst at school to unsuitable ones,taking my belongings clothes,perfume etc.
I know these are hardly the crimes of the centuary but it's the deceite that annoys me more than what she has actually done iyswim.
we are very fair as parents imo and dd is given freedom to go out and see her friends etc basically whatever she wants to do within reason.
yesterday dd took some old hairstraighters up to her room(again this is after she was aked not too)and left them on all day!so we came home to a huge hole/burn mark on her bed right through the top layer of the matress!this was only discovered by myself because of the smell of burning,dd had actually just opened the window and was going to try on hide this!
to cut a long story short i went completly mental!screamed at dd that i'm sick of her doing what the hell she likes and who does she think she is!
As punishment she has been grounded for a week and had her makeup taken away.
since dd has come in from school neither of us has spoken to the other and i'am really at a loss as to what to do with this disobedence!the only conclusion i have come to so far is that we have maybe spoilt her a bit?

please help!!!!!!

Sounds like fairly normal teenage behavoior to me, Some of the things I would ignore. I would let her wear whatrever shoes she wants to for school most teenage girls don't like school shoes and would probably be okay about her taking her ipod to school but if she lost it she wouldn't get another one until she could pay for it herself.
I would confiscate the strightners and only let her have them when you are around. Also I would have checked she had turned the straighteners off, DD2 still leaves hers on sometjimes and she is 21.
I would try and sit down with her and talk about these things explain why you don't want her to do them.

Sounds normal....although a horrible phase (I hope) My 12 year old is vile...I agree it's the dishonesty and slyness that I hate.If it's any consolation my daughter has started swearing at me, wont do homework, tells lies. I have tried to get her phone off her as punishment but she wont give it to me. It has turned into a physical scuffle when I tried to get it from her before. At my wits end....so loads of sympathy. Wish I knew the answer.x

I agree with the other posters. Seems like normal (inconsiderate) teenager behaviour, Mine has just turned 14 and does almost all the things mentioned above. She is definitely worse around her period though, and I do think a lot of the bad behaviour can be put down to raging hormones.

The hair straighteners thing is the most worrying thing because of the fire hazard aspect. She needs a serious talk about this and I agree with mumee that you should confiscate them for a while.

Otherwise all I can say is you're not alone. Good luck!

TBH I would try and hide the evidence, too - wouldn't you? She knows she was irresponsible and nearly burnt the house down and was probably totally shell shocked about what could have happened. Having said that I would have screamed too!

Don't worry - compared to some of the stuff I've read on here your daughter's not doing too badly. It sounds like you're a reasonable mum and that deep down she is fundamentally reasonable too - I'm sure this and is just a hormone induced phase. Bloody hormones!

Try talking to her maybe, about how her behaviour is making you feel if you haven't already (you probably have), and that you're keen for her to be treated in a more mature way, but that can only happen if she shows some concern and consideration for your wishes and feelings.

This is probably the wrong advice but it works for me... if me and my DD (14 yrs) have had a falling out or aren't speaking, I'll make a little gesture eg take a hot chocolate in her room the next morning, give her a hug and explain why her behaviour is unacceptable. I'll usually also apologise for shouting... then again... as she almost burnt the house down maybe disregard the apologising bit this time!

You both sound lovely - hope you sort it out soon

My dd has hair straighteners that turn off automatically after 30 mins. Might be worth investigating!

Sounds pretty normal teenage behaviour to me too.
My daughter was horrendous at 14 - very deceitful. I must admit that I had let her get away with too much because I felt guilty at her Dad & I splitting up. I made too many allowances for her behaviour when she really did need boundaries and consistency in her life.

Try to stay calm and just keep to your own boundaries - Teenagers can tie you up in knots with their arguments and trying to make you feel guilty and its hard to see that you are being manipulated at times.

It does pass,.. My daughter and I were like enemies in her teens but by the time she was 18 we were close again. They don't have to like you at times,.. but they do need you to be the parent.

About the shoes OP..I forked out £50+ for a pair of 'suitable' Clarks school shoes in Years 7 & 8 for my DD. Both pairs broke and when I took them back I was told they were for occasional use and were not 'school' shoes (they didn't do 'school' shoes in her size and these were adult shoes apparently so couldn't be replaced because it was normal wear and tear).

I ended up replacing them with cheap nasty SHoe Fayre ones that were 1/5 ot the price. They too broke. On dry days my DD walks over 2 miles to and from school. She begged and midered (Sp?) for some black Converse like all the other girls and eventually I gave in. It was the best purchase EVER - they are comfy, she has literally walked miles and miles and they have never broken in 5 months and still look as good as new. It went against all my principles, and my friend who has a same aged son, was visablly shocked, but as I explained - it's different for boys - they make school shoes to last that are warm and protect against the rain for boys, but not for girls with big feet. Maybe next time she needs shoes it might be cost effective if their school allows them to wear them.

Sounds like pretty normal teen behaviour to me too! When my daughter was this age, we worked out a three question system which I found really helpful to sort the important things from the small stuff in the heat of the moment.

a) is it dangerous?
b) will you regret it in the future?
c) does it affect other people?

• if the answer to all 3 is no, then IMO it's not worth losing sleep over. So in your case - changing shoes at school doesn't flag up any of those 3 things, so if she wants to do it and gets in trouble, that's her problem. Leaving hair straighteners on all day, however, could start a fire so fails question a) and is worth having a conflict over. Taking her ipod to school only affects her if she loses it (assuming you don't replace it!) so her problem. Borrowing your clothes without asking affects you, so fails question c). Getting a tattoo fails b), swearing in front of Granny fails c), going clubbing in London alone fails a), and so on.

I hope this idea helps someone else - it really helped me (and my daughter) - sometimes I would argue about something and she would say it passes all 3 questions so it's her own business (eg hair style) and I would have to back down and admit she was right. They do come out the other end eventually - this daughter is now 16 and mostly human again!

Thats good guide Silveralice and one I will pass on to my daughter for when her children reach their teens !
SO long as your teen faces the consequences and takes responsibility when it does not come under those three rules,.. and you do not 'fix' it for them when you disagree with their behaviour, then they will learn and grow !

Thankyou Silveralice.. I also think that is great and will try to remember it.. so simple and sensible!

Op.. hang in there... it will probably get worse before it gets better but eventually teen girls do start being lovely again:) (Mine are 17 and 19, and the 19 yr old is just lovely now..finally!)

I've written those questions on kitchen notice board...brill!
Like my very wise friend says 'dont sweat the small stuff'

Also...I have been guilty of running out the house having left the iron on!! We all make mistakes