Sibling jealousy and rivalry, especially twins.

[standinginthewayofcontrol]

Hi, i'm a regular here but have namechanged cause a few people in RL know my chat name. I posted this in parenting but haven't had any response so thought I would try my luck here.

The jealousy between my eldest, my DTD1 15 (in year 11) towards DTD2 has become almost unbearable over the Christmas holidays, they are back to school half way through next week, and for the first time I can't wait for them to go They both go to the same boarding school, out of choice, which though they are in different boarding houses has limited their friendships a bit.

A bit of background:
They are fraternal twins, with DTD1 being very academic, and DTD2 far more artsy and sporty. DH and I have been very grateful of this, as until now there has been very little rivalry between them aside from normal sibling stuff as they have completely different strength and weaknesses.

This said, we did notice a bit of jealousy when they were younger from DTD1 as DTD2 was better at sport, which was more obvious than DTD1's academic achievements, but this was very minimal and only generally happened at the end of term when everyone was very tired.

DTD1 is also far more eager to please than DTD2 who is very chilled, and lets things come to her. Though they have both been popular at school, DTD2 has been more so, and I'm starting to think that this has had a sub conscious effect on DTD1's confidence, as her sister is generally asked to more parties and has friends inviting her round, whereas DTD1 tend to do all the ringing up and organising. This became especially obvious over Christmas, when DTD2 was out a lot, and though she always asked DTD1 if she wanted to come along I think it only rubbed it in. It became especially noticeable on NYE when DTD2 went to a friends birthday supper (a girl who DTD1 isn't friends with), and DTD1 had to come with us and her younger siblings after her plans fell through.

Things came to a head when DTD2 was model scouted at the beginning of the holidays. We have always been very happy that the girls don't look identical, though they are quite obviously sisters as it has largely prevented the 'twinny' comments and associations. They are both beautiful girls with long, thick blonde hair and olivey complexions, but, though I hate typing this DTD2 has always been the more conventionally 'prettier' of the two. She is much taller than DTD1 at 5ft 10 and after visiting the agency with her last week I saw that she does have the 'model features'; high forehead, wide set eyes, good cheekbones ect.. She is also the far leggier and leaner of the two, though they both are skinny. We had a meeting with her agent at the beginning of the week when she was officially signed, and the next day she booked a big job for a major magazine. I think DTD2 is very nervous, but DTD1 has been sulking ever since.

I took DTD1 out to supper last night for a chat, where it transpired that she thinks DTD2 has 'everything going for her and always has'. I just feel really sad that DTD1 can't appreciate her own talents, of which she has so much. DH thinks it is a self esteem issue, but we both really want it sorted before DTD2 also doesn't understand what she has done wrong, so has started to get quite annoyed with DTD1.

Reading back over this I realise I have really bigged up DTD2, but this is, as I see it how DTD1 see's her. I realise this is quite an essay but if anyone has any tips or advice it would be very much appreciated.

I don't have teenage daughters

I don't have sisters

But I have been 15yrs old. And I can't imagine what it must be like to have a twin just signed to a modelling agency... wo has lots of friends and parties to go to

Thanks notnowbernard, I too can imagine how she feels, but its just this has never happened before, and the only thing that has changed is DTD2 is now signed.

I feel sad that DTD1 can't appreciate and see all her talents. She, without a doubt will do better in her GCSE's than her sister, and as the school they are at is very academic she is constantly praised ect.. for her hard work and brains, its just, at the moment this isn't what matters for her.

The problem is that DTD2 is started to notice her sisters grumpiness and sullen faces, and keeps on asking what is the matter. I know if she realises it is just her being her she will be very upset, and equally I don't want her to sacrifice any of her talents for the sake of her sister, but honestly if I had known the reaction this would have had I don't think I would have taken the scouting any further. However DH suggested may be this has just been a catalyst, and DTD1 has kept her feelings hidden away, and this would have just happened the next time DTD2 passed a ballet exam or whatever.... hmmm.

I just really want to get everything back to the way it was before, so any advice on how to handle this would be very much appreciated.

I'll bow out, because as I said I have zero experience of teenagers etc

I hope you find some peace and resolution though

I have two DDs who are less than two years apart - they are 17 and 19 now - and there have been various jealousies between them over some big things and over some very petty things. I think you have been incredibly naive to think that one twin being scouted by a modeling agency won't have a devastating effect on the other one.

The best thing you can do is bring it all out in the open and talk about it with both the girls. I'm amazed that your DT2 doesn't know what is causing her sisters grumpy face and at her lack of empathy.

Of course siblings have jealousies but you have to let them talk them through. Your DT1 might be the most academic but at 15 what you look like is a major thing, that doesn't mean your other twin can't do her modeling thing but don't expect her sister to be pleased for her for a quite a while.

webiz, I do realise with hindsight that I probably should have considered DT1's reaction more than the cursory "she'll be pleased for her sister", but honestly they are such individuals that I think we have, for the most part, bypassed the majority of 'twin' issues, and that is probably why I didn't immediately notice this one till it is right on top of us. .

DTD2 is very nervous about her upcoming job, and so I don't think she would think DTD1 to be jealous about it iyswim cause she isn't talking positively about it. She is also very laid back, and so probably hasn't thought about it too much, though your right, this does often translate as a lack of empathy, though it is not intended to be.

A talk to get everything out In the open sounds good, though I'm worried it could turn very weepy.

Weepy is fine its much better than keeping things bubbling under the surface The fact that DTD2 is nervous and playing down the job is probably making it worse in DTD1's eyes ie her sister is going to be a model and she's being ungrateful about it (I'm talking from a 15 year olds point of view here not my own!).

I am a non-identical twin (or whatever you called it in your OP - wow). We are in our 50s and the issues about appearance have rumbled right the way through our lives. I agree with notnowbernard: it will be incredibly hard for dtd1 to accept her twin being signed up to a modelling agency and immediately getting a top job. It's hard at the best of times but at that age it's agony.

tbh I think you need to accept that life has it's unfairnesses and you can't control them all - you definitely can't control this and to try will only underline/augment any neuroris or unhappiness that dtd1 may be feeling about her sister. the way your twins have turned out probably has very little to do with you re you say you have 'managed to avoid all the usual twin pitfalls' (or words to that effect), as though you have that much control over the final outcome: I beg to differ.

shit happens, and this is shitty for dtd1, no question. support her (them both) but don't make a major fuss about it: this is what life has dealt out to them and that's their business, their lives to live iyswim. 'oh crap' would be an appropriate response, but not hand-wringing guilt and angst, which is bound to make dtd1 neurotic and feel she has a legitimate gripe to carry her into adulthood, which would be a disaster. You can't make her feel good about herself for goodness sake - she's got to get there herself.

I was the more able/prettier/socially successful twin, and pandered guiltily to my sister's angst about it. I can't tell you what a disaster that was. Now, she looks 10 years younger than me and is by far the more successful in every way. so chill out Mum

I sympathize with her. I have a twin brother and we did our GCSEs two years ago. While I got perfectly respectable results(All As or As), my brother got an A in every single GCSE. As well as winning a ton of prizes.
It's very difficult for the other sibling. Especially for me since I like to think of myself as quite academic, but I feel I do rubbishly compared to him.
Tbh, I think your children are more fortunate since their strengths are in different areas. although I suppose the fact they're both girls makes it worse.

I don't have much advice. I'd suggest not making a huge thing about the modelling, since your other daughter probably feels awful every time it's mentioned. Make sure you emphasize her individual strengths and personality as well. I think everyone feels that their sibling is superior at some point, but it makes it 10x worse if you think your parents think so too.

Thank you all very much for your feed back.

humanheart, I don't think we have "avoided all the usual twin pitfalls" due to my DH and myself's parenting, I didn't realise it read like that. I do, however think we have managed to avoid them solely through the big differences in the girls, something we had no control of whatsoever. I think had they both had the same talents and interests it would have been much harder growing up, as the competitiveness that comes with being a twin is automatically doubled.

They go back to school on Wednesday morning so I am going to have a chat just the 3 of us before then, but I want to wait till their nosy siblings are out of the house, so will have to be sometime tomorrow evening.

DTD1 went to a friends for lunch, which gave me a rare time with DTD2 alone, as she is generally the one who is out or with friends. She said she had noticed DTD1 had been very grumpy with her, and she thought it was because she borrowed her heels without asking , so I can definitely see why DTD1 is pissed off with this on top of everything else. She said she hadn't discussed the modelling with DTD1, and if this isn't done I can see this becoming a real bone of contention between them, but looking at this from DTD2's point of view I don't think she would think DTD1 as jealous of her, though I realise that she should realise that modelling contract is slightly different to being captain of the tennis team or whatever.

I think when DTD1 comes back I will ask them to help with a pudding or something for supper, just to get them together for an hour or so. They haven't really been together properly for almost a week as they both have been very busy with different things and they have separate rooms, so I also want to try and gage the 'atmosphere' iyswim before tomorrow.

I'm not a twin, but my older sister has always been the prettier/thinner/taller/more popular/more intelligent one. I'm now at university doing a course I'm not crazy about because I wanted to prove I could do something that she hadn't done (only to prove to myself, no-one has ever doubted me) and my sister in particular is very supportive. In a way that makes it worse because then I feel guilty that I resent what she's achieved - it must be horrid having everything like that at the same time rather than just something that has already happened.

For what it's worth, when I was at school there was obviously lots of emphasis on working hard but I found my friends and I were constantly being told that grades aren't enough and you have to have x, y and z on your UCAS form to get into university/to get a job. That threw me a lot because I felt completely inadequate in terms of extra curricular stuff - it might be less that it doesn't matter to her now but more that she's hearing it doesn't matter. Not much you can do about it necessarily, just thought it might be something for you think about.

Might it also be a money thing? You don't say about the logistics of the job and I'm not expecting you to go into it, but from what I've seen on America's Next Top Model (quite possibly all your daughters have seen until now?) it's a job where you get a lot of independence. It might not have occurred to her, but I am thoroughly jealous that my sister has a proper job and is earning even though, as I say, we are at different stages in our lives. It would have driven me crazy if she had an income and a grown up job at my age and I hadn't accomplished it.

Sorry I haven't been more helpful in terms of advice, just thought I'd point out a few things that you might not be aware of. Good luck!

Thanks doubledegreestudent, I will definitely take all that on board. Its just so hard, as most of DTD1's issues with her sister are things that are completely genetic, and thus can't change. DH also doesn't want me to bring up the modelling thing with DTD2 as he thinks it will upset her and make her self conscious, and though I agree with him, definitely regarding the latter I also don't want DTD1 to grow up feeling as you did.

I am going to sit down with the tomorrow night and get everything out on the table. I am also thinking of imposing a 'going out' rule, as DTD2 has been going out with friends a lot this holidays. Normally I wouldn't mind as long as she is getting her work done, but it is really drawing attention to her sisters lesser social life, something I don't feel is fair on DTD1. Of course neither will know the real reason, I will tell them they need to work more due to GCSE's .

Also re: modelling, until DTD2 is 16 she has to have a guardian on set, and as her birthday is in August we will tackle that one when it comes. Also, she has only booked one job and we haven't seen the results of it. I don't want DTD1 to get worked up about the modelling thing as it is such a fickle industry, DTD2 could either hate it, be rubbish at it or just not be booked for anything else, so as excited as I am for DTD2 I really don't want to be making mountains out of molehills.

And keep reminding both twins that they are gorgeous- the modelling industry is only one kind of beauty.

Standing
I am mother of fraternal twin daughters and there is a lot of sibling rivalry between them. It makes home life very tense at times, particularly when their rivalry leads to physical attacks on each other.
DTD1 is academic and DTD2 is more girly with a high emotional IQ. They are "best enemies" most of the time. They can be very petty and spiteful to each other, as I'm sure you are aware.
Sometimes if I try to arbitrate between them they both turn on me and make out I'M the baddy! I love them both and would like them to be loving and supportive to each other. Some hopes!
No easy answers I'm afraid but I'll watch this thread for tips from other Mumsnetters.