violence from teenage son

[donnagym]

I replied to another thread and have had a couple of suggestions to start a new one.

My son and i were very close and enjoyed time together,affection and he was polite and respectful. As an only child he learned very quickly to make friends and also to tak to adults sincemuch of his time was spent in the company of his parents friends.

Around Yr9 he stopped doing homework, we got involved in a long process of IEP's with schools and in Yr 10 he saw the Educational Psycologist. He was missing clases by then and telling me he had to 'get out' before he said or did something he regretted....I managed him and his outbursts as best i could but clearly not well enough as major tantrums seem to have become embedded in his character.

It most likely doesnt help in that his father and i are divorcing i separated us in 2008 and moved out of the bedroom. Last Jan, after coming home he lost it and chucked me out of the house. I called in the police and the threats to chuck me or my belongings out stpped.

But, and its a big but. Am i a bad person cos my husband certainly thinks so, he tells me regularly. My son, alomost 16, is not that much different in the playing one off against the other and his general 'whatever' approach to life. But, i pretend not to be scared of him and what he's capab;e of sometimes...he smokes, has done dope, has stolen money and stuff from the home has lost his temper over such small stuff. I think im the only one who notices sometimes that other teems arent quite so angry with the world.

Managing him, my sullen ex husband and everything else ie work, friends, hobbies on a daily basis is exhausting. I do have lovely friends and family esp my 'boyfriend' - its not official - he's married but in separate rooms. But, you know, vicarious experience isnt the same as going through it yourself.

Just this morning, the teen saw me in my nightshirt and went off on one - insistingthat i 'dress properly' in the house...swearing and shouting. I told him it was under my roof and i'd dress how i thought appropriate but what was that really all about. Grumpiness at being tired?

I am baffled, disapointed in life and quite frankly envious of those who enjoy a good family life. Its what i want, i love being a mother, well loved. And i want to be a wife and mother again. Same child different husband!

The teen hit me out of temper, he didnt mean to fracture my cheeckbone. But it was a lesson learned in not getting into the same situation again. I have come close since, he pinned me down on his bed last Nov when i was nagging him to get up and go to school. I was scared but not hurt. One time in same month he threw me out of his room - i was looking for smoking aparatus. I hit the floor he shoved me so hard. His Dad says if he is violent towards anyone in the house he will have to go. But teen does it when Dads not there, hence I'm scared to be alone. tonight the girlfriend who he adores is here. I should be safe. I shouldn't have to feel scared of my own son should I?

Quick response to say that you're not alone. This is a really horrible thing to live with but it happens and it can and will, I'm sure, resolve. Also, will be thinking of you and family this evening - hope all is peaceful.

You must not only feel safe, you must be safe. Teen won't be helped if you're not safe, even from him.

You sound like a great mother - and I bet that your child knows that - he's just pushing and pushing and something/someone has to make that stop.

Will post tomorrow - honestly, I know something of what you're talking about. Take care.

What happened there? two people said they'd get back and didn't

I can't quite work out your story donna but it sounds a bit like your marriage is/was quite volatile? abusive kids have usually learnt it from the parents' relationship.

whatever way, violence from anyone in the home is domestic abuse and the police view it as such. Did they ask you at the hospital how your cheekbone got broken? YOur son needs to understand that it is 100% unnacceptable to be violent to you, particularly in your home. If he does it again, call the police (999) for immediate assistance: get yourself safe when you do. Do not be left on your own in the house with him after the police have gone - though often they take the abuser into custody for a night in a police cell.

Have a look at the Womans Aid website, also their 24/7 phoneline, who will give you excellent advice and support. If you don't address this now he will take this behaviour into his adult relationships ie will be an abuser. Intervention is essential now - earlier rather than later. abuse escalates, gets worse: it doesn't stop of its own accord.

You have my sympathy. It is by no means an isolated problem - imo it is widespread but difficult to talk about. Heartbreaking

Thank you for writing back to me. It is quite cathartic to actually put it in writing now whats happened. I have lied to people, when my face had a massive black eye i said it was an accident. The father isn't in mst case violent, but very good with damming words. The teen is just volatile with his mood swings and i have to say, his quick temper is not unlike my own.

I took him to school today and followed him at a discreet distance. As i suspected he didnt go in, until he noticed me! Then later, i was still getting nagging doubts. I phoned his house head and found out that last week he attended one out of a possible 15 lessons. Then demanded his allowance off Dad for 'going to school'. His Dad gave it to him and now feels betrayed. I suggested disciplining our son. Dad says how? I say take his PS3 away from him for a soecific amount of time. Dad now is like' your mum told me to do this' How cowardly adn unhelpful.

On a good note. the teen is looking to join an army technical college. I've booked him onto a taster course at half term and his really pleased about that. I am hoping the motivation to get his life sorted will come from some positive feedback. He doesnt get that from the school anymore - i think they've given up. Well on him, they've not given up on fining us fr his lack f attendance. Talking to the Dad is fraught. We cant seem to do it without a big fight. I don't insult Dad tho'...ever to his son.

the dad is setting you up donna - very dangerous to blame you for taking away ds's precious PS3 when you are on your own in the house with a violent teen, who is probably quite a big lad at his age. not sure if working this out with the dad is a good idea tbh - though how you're going to do it I don't know. your ds's attitude towards you will be directly learned from your ex's attitude towards you btw even though your ex may not have been physically violent - sounds like he has been verbally abusive.

Have you had a look at Womens Aid? I really would recommend them, they are fantastic for domestic abuse situations.

hope the army thing comes to something, an outlet for his aggression and also a means of self-discipline. good luck.

Donna - looking at your recent post -
Isn't the school duty bound to let you know if and when your DS doesn't get in or, if in school, attend his classes? They'll have those sessions marked as unauthorised and you, therefore, have every right to know, each and every time. An attendance policy is bound to say something along these lines - especially as DS is still of stat school age.

Agree with humanheart - being scapegoated in this way is unacceptable. Is there anyone who could help your ex see that his behaviour is doing nothing to ease the tension, your distress, son's conduct (and therefore son's life chances)? Is it a man thing - my DH prefaces most of his admonitions to our dc with ' your Mum thinks/Mum is worried ....' - why on earth can't they take responsibility for what they say, entirely?

I hesitate to mention Family Mediation because DS and ex have got to be dealt with firmly with no opportunities to cast you in a negative light, pin the blame etc. But might someone/some organisation help? Police have their role but it goes so far. Agree, Womens Aid may be source of sound help and advice.

Knowing you're not alone in this scenario may not be of much comfort now, but it is true - until I came across MN, I had no idea that I wasn't at all alone in having a troubled teenager whose behaviour was having by far the worst effect on me, his mother.

As I mentioned in earlier post, your safety is paramount. 100% paramount.

Army tech college sounds good. If the taster doesn't work out, and it may well, they may signpost to other opportunities.

Thank you all for this input, its really helpful.

I have never thought about dialling direct with my son for example.

And as for confrontation- well yes i do too much of that with him.

As for violence - when i confronted him last night over the three little 'plastic' packages' found in his jacket pocket he started getting angry. Said it would be my fault if he swung for me. His dad intervened and said there would be no violence from anyone in the household. Then i left sone to clam down before gonig back in and we had a conversation. He admitted to having stolen my money in the past to buy dope but now was not going to indulge. I asked why and he said that it was because he wanted to join the army.

I said, we should look to a future of no drugs and finishing his education. I think its a lng road ahead.

But thank you all for your advice. I must not forget my own safety and the role of his school in helping.

wow, fantastic posts maryz, spot on. I think I'll print them up as a reminder in my situation (which is very similar to OP's I'm sorry to say )