DD 16 and school

[billie50]

okay sounds daft ( but it isnt)
DD has "decided" school not for her? refuses to go to the extent that it becomes a physical fight every morning, have worked with school (still working with them) but she agrees to go when we have meetings, until the day, then we get the stomache cramps that dont appear until school days i might add then starts our morning of cajoling, bribing, shouting, until she finally swings for me?, that is not my idea of a good start, but school tells me its my job to force her to attend school, they could at least give me some tips on how !!!!, she gets grounded, phone and laptop privilidges removed, no allowance, none of it makes any difference to her, on the odd day she actually does get there the nurses office always rings beore dinner saying she has stomach ramps and can we pick her up?, if i say shes having them on all i get is but she cant stay at school with cramps as bad as these, (damned if i do , damned if i dont) i cant seem to win, she only has till may to go,

My sympathies. I used to work in FE and I encountered the refusniks from the other end. In some cases I sympathised totally, school was doing them no good and they would have been far better off with a job, but they were caught in the conondrum of needing qualifications to be even considered for an interview, so they just had to suck it up and get through it.

Is this something recent? Has she had the results of her GCSE mocks and realised that she is not going to do well? Is there some bullying involved? You might want to check out all of this before you start getting tough.

My only suggestion then is to make it very, very uncomfortable for her to stay at home. Turn off the heating to her room. Remove the duvet (don't take it off her, remove it from the room), preferably early enough in the morning to allow for the tantrums. I suggest 6am for starters. No TV, no electronics in the morning. If you have to bring her home again, no TV, no internet, (turn of or hide the router if necessary) no music, nothing but bed with textbooks for company. Do not allow her to leave her (bare) room except for toilet breaks. If she is too sick to go to school then she's too sick to sit around doing fun stuff at home. Return privilidges incrementally only when she has complied for a decent amount of time i.e. internet privilidges, restricted to one hour per night, only after a week of full school attendance. Be prepared to revoke this the minute she slips back.

Finally, don't beat yourself up about it. Some children are incredibly creative in their work avoidance techniques. I once had a student whose lovely parents did everything they could for their son. They made a point of driving him to college in the morning and watching till he went through the doors. The student simply waited 5 minutes then slipped out and went to the movies every day.

slug: have tried everything you mention, nothing seems to work,,, her EWO says she's obviously getting stressed when she has to go to school, have spoken to DD but she says no trouble/bullying

maryz: am going to sit down with her later and talk things through again with her, she has already been to connexions and asked about an out of school tutor but her school doesn't use them, i cant get work from school for her to do either as school says it gives her a reason not to turn up? . Have spoken to her EWO again this morning and they are going to set up another meeting but it will be 3 weeks before everyone that needs to be there can make it .
By my count she has 17 weeks left and almost 6 of them are taken up by holidays which only leaves 11, then 3 weeks for this meeting leaves 8 not going to be able to fit much schooling in at this rate :(

thankyou both so much for helping :)

I feel for you. I also have to agree with maryz who is waaayy more compassionate than me, sometimes school simply is not the best option.

A serious discussion about what she intends to do after school has finished is in order (along with the financial implications for everyone). You may also find a complete change of environment may help. One of the joys of teaching in FE was seeing students who had had a bad school experience blossom in the freeer, more adult environment of the college, away from some of the malign influences of their school years. I also saw a complete turnaround in the attitude of one student who thrived when he took up full time shelf stacking at Asda. While on one hand it was a disappointment to see so much academic talent wasted, on the other hand, the responsibility and joys of earning his own living sat very happily with him.

This has recently happened with my nephew,the school and mum negotiated that he drop a few subjects, and he has work experience the rest of the time.

I really think you need to get to the bottom of why? is it a confidence issue re. exams, if bullying is not the problem?
Would your DD consider college in September if the problem isn't resolved..

I have read through your posts looking for inspiration.

My almost 16 year old son has been refusing to get up and go to school since last november.

He refuses to move from his bed and has violent tantrums when pushed. My soon to be ex husband will not do discipline. When i make suggestions he says 'you do it if you're so clever'. He is afraid of the consequences i fear. In fact earlier on in the year the teen did fracture my cheekbone when one such argument got out of hand. I told the hospital that it was an accident as i was so ashamed of letting it happen.

I feel desparate sometimes and want to know i'm not alone in this. One time i called the Samaritons and the man i spoke to was brilliant.

I suspect my ex and i are not creating a happy home for my son but he says thats not bothering him. I also think he;s lazy and of course has no real consequences to his laziness. He has a warm home, food, clean clothes and lots of friends he can run away to when the going gets tough.

I'd like to do more tough love but without the support of his father - who tells me i'm poison and keeps his own council on life adn parenting - i feel helpless. And i also feel i have failed my son. i am after all the adult and he is still a child.

donna He fractured your cheekbone!?

My DS1 and i had terrible rows when he was a teen, luckily i was as tall, and heavier than him,so i usually managed to physically push him outside and lock the door..living in the middle of nowhere he soon apologized.

Regardless of the situation with you and XH, it sounds as if you have given him a very good home,with love and understanding!

I think you need to start your own thread for as much advice and support as possible x

OP - let your daughter leave school for the moment. Nothing is irreversible - she can do exams and stuff later. My DS1 hates school and always has - and refuses to go - and gets vioent when forced just like other posters. Sometimes we should accept that school isn't for everybody - it's taken me ages to realise that. Even DS1 is bright etc I will let him leave school as soon as he can - it's making him really unhappy.

Billie, Where I stay you can leave school at 16, both my children wanted to but I made it clear that if they did then they had to get a job, I got application forms for MacDonalds and every shop that was in our area, I got them to fill out applications for college courses, they were told that the option of not going to school wasn't allowed unless they had an alternative, if they chose not to go to school then I would pack a bag and they were out the house, tough love!! both of them decided to stay on till they were 18 as neither of them fancied moving out or working in a fast food restaurant. I actually left school at 15 due to massive depression caused by other girls just being nasty to me, doesn't sound much but at the time I was totally depressed and couldn't speak to my family, I totally regret it now obviously, but have went on to gain an honours degree by part time study, it is never too late even if your daughter decides to not complete her studies she may reconsider later.