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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

bitchy nasty 13 yer old duaghter

46 replies

febel · 30/12/2010 00:25

any advice please..I have a child who seems to be turning into a very nasty catty bitchy 13 yr old. She is upsetting all of us, including my 20 yr old who is home from uni at the mo (and saying she will be going back soon to escape her sister).altho to be honest she reacts too much to her sister to my mind. Do I just ignore the 13yr olds bitchy comments and behaviour when she is being so nasty and bitchy to us all? She is mouthy and aggressive, has had me in tears and makes me feel like dirt. she is the youngest (other sisters are 18 and 20) We include her in our stuff, like tonight when we had friends plus their older kids round but I have got to the point of not wanting her to be around at all cos everything is a battle or an aruguement or a catty ocmment. I have told her to try and be nice, watch her mouth etc, but am aware I just seem to be naggin her/telling her off. what can I do..do I just ignore ita ll? she really is upsetting us all and never had this with my other tow at all.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 30/12/2010 00:27

tape her at her worst..play it back in a quiet moment..might shock her

my 14 yr old can be vile too

purepurple · 30/12/2010 08:51

I feel your pain. My DD is 14 and I really don't like her at the moment.She has had a complete personality change since she started high school.
I am struggling with her behaviour and attitude tbh.
Op, what I say to DD and to DS when he was a teenager (he's 21 now) is 'If you have nothing constructive to say then don't say anything'

CybilScissorhands · 30/12/2010 08:55

Have you had a quiet sympathetic word with her when she is not behaving like this?

try to get to the bottom of why she is mean? Come at it from the angle of you are worried about her, she seems sad, and its coming out as meanness

try not to be accusatory,see if she can tell you how she is feeling

(I have a sometimes mean mouthed 15 yr old btw)

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 08:57

have you asked her what's wrong? why she feels so angry and gloomy?

worth a shot.

try the angle of i'm worried about you, you don't seem happy and are really snappy and angry. when i'm really angry and snappy i hate it and it's usually because i'm unhappy or stressed about something and it's coming out that way. you know you can talk to me don't you?

she's not an alien - though she might seem one right now Grin

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 08:57

x posted cybil - snap.

mumoverseas · 30/12/2010 19:28

I've got one too Sad
Mine is 14 and has turned into the devil child, she used to be so lovely, I don't know where I've gone wrong. Oh, ok, I think I do, I think I might have spoiled her?

She is at boarding school due to logistics. She started just over 2 years ago and loves it. She has lots of friends and I know it was the right thing to do, but the last few months, she has changed.

we took her (and other siblings) on a lovely holiday to Florida in October and she was a stroppy cow a lot of the time and ruined things a few times. At one point she said that she wished her friends mum was her mum as she was closer to her! This is a woman she has met all of about 4 times!

I then didn't see her for 6 weeks until she came out to where I live abroad for Christmas. she was fine the first week but the last two days turned evil again. She has been really rude and abusive and we've just had the mother of all rows just minutes before DH drove her to the airport. I will now not see her until at least Easter and am gutted.
I've done so much for her, maybe too much? I try to do nice little things, I suppose the guilt because I don't see her as often as I'd like. I send her small presents and things to boarding school, magazines etc and before christmas sent her two lovely dresses (which she said she loved and I know she meant it)

I bought her some lovely designer clothes (which she wanted) for christmas and was so upset just before she left to see some hanging in the wardrobe here and was suprised she wasn't going to take them back. They cost me a bloody fortune and I was hurt that she was so blase about them.

Am so very sad we've just had such an awful row and can't kiss and make up.

Bloody kids, they don't warn you what teenagers are like. This will pass, this will pass........

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 19:30

What punishments/grounding/confiscation have you tried? What responsibilities does she have?

mamas12 · 30/12/2010 19:46

Yep I'm another one for telling her if she can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all.
Also in a quiet moment ask her what if anything is wrong and then inform her that if (and when) she does anything like this again there will be no discussion about it but you WILL curtail her comp time/take phone way/ your own punishment here...
and do it.

My ds gets his comp time docked I tell him that's one hour gone and if he complains I say do you want to make two and he gets it then.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 20:05

mumoverseas....I have a friend who boarded and said she felt she really missed out on her relationship with her mother throughout her teens. If you're gutted not seeing her, imagine how she feels.

Can I ask why you're not any where near your dd?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 20:14

and no offense but 'i've done so much for her' ??? you're her mum - i do so much for my son everyday - so?

maybe it's not designer dresses and magazines she's after. and maybe she's not like a toy that you can turn on for holidays and expect it to play nicely.

sorry but your whole post was just such a therapists wet dream that i thought it was going to turn out to be a spoof.

i'm sorry. i hope you and her have a future together but sense you might have to do some real communicating and hear difficult things if you want that.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 20:18

TBH I think what I wanted, and got, as a teen was time with my parents, especially my mother.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2010 20:23

some forces families have their children at boarding school, if they (parents) are posted overseas.

wouldnt do for me mind you. i couldnt stand it if i was away from my kids.

OP - remember hormones at this age do go on the rampage.
i have been lucky so far with my 13yr old dd, but sometimes she says she just feels sad or angry and has no idea why. im sure its changing hormones, but at least i guess i am lucky in that she is still talking about it!

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 20:26

sorry one last thing, you say you like to do nice things for her. buying stuff is not doing nice things for her - it's buying stuff. that's not 'doing' anything.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 20:26

it's not luck vicar. well done you.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 20:27

Do all of your dcs live away MOS? Just wondering why you didn't take your dd to the airport.

GypsyMoth · 30/12/2010 20:31

aww come on! thats a bit harsh on mumoverseas! i dont 'know' her as such,but have seen some of her posts and know of some of her struggles. she's a caring mum like the rest of us,dealing with her circs best she can

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 20:35

not trying to be harsh but realistic. i've done so much for her, i buy her designer dresses, etc. it's just not realistic as to what a relationship is let alone a relationship with a teenager.

i'm afraid i hate these my daughter is the devil i don't know what has happened to her posts as if the person didn't raise them and hasn't had a relationship with them for over a decade. it's your child not an alien that just landed from outer space.

pink4ever · 30/12/2010 20:39

This seems to happen with girls.My youngest sis(13 years between us) turned into a monster at 13 and tbh is still a bit of a cow 9 years later!(I blame it on her being spoiled rotten-by all of us-as a kid).
mumoverseas-sorry dont know your exact circumstances but sounds to me like your dd hss major issues with being away from you so much(yes she may tell you she loves boarding school but kids can get used to anything if they have too). If I were that age and I only saw my parents a few times a year think it would royally fuck me up.Sorry prob not what you want to hear.

piprabbit · 30/12/2010 20:43

You could see if there are any useful clips on this website www.parentchannel.tv.

There are ones on topics like "I don't like my child", "Sibling Squabbling" and tips for keeping things calm and peaceful at home.

There might be some ideas for you to try?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 30/12/2010 20:47

honestly i'd say next vacation mumoverseas no holiday, no flashy presents. just her and you in your home with plenty of time to relax and talk and be real. let her have some time and space to herself to chill too. it's her holiday and just take it easy.

can't be easy to go from school and not having seen you for ages to being away and expected to look happy and grateful the whole time.

sorry if i sounded harsh - few triggers in there for me.

Lizzabadger · 30/12/2010 20:49

Why do you think she is behaving like this? What is she trying to communicate by the behaviour? Behaviour is not random but happens for a reason. if you can get to the bottom of what's behind it then you are in a position to work on a solution. Maybe try having one to one time with her where you are engaged in an activity but can chat casually, e.g. Baking, doing nails, so you can try to find out what's going on. In the meantime completely ignore her negative comments and behaviours but give her loads of positive feedback/interaction when she's not being negative. Watch the way you behave towards her and around her and make sure that you model the sorts of behaviour you want her to show, not that you don't want her to show. Do your best to make her feel valued, listened to, understood and loved (not easy I'm sure but your responsibility as a parent). Good luck.

TheFeministParent · 30/12/2010 21:05

great post Lizza.

GnomeDePlume · 30/12/2010 21:43

Febel - I asked DD1 (aged 15) what she thought might be the problem. A couple of thoughts she had:

  • Is your DD having problems at school/elesewhere and she is taking this out at home?

  • Does your DD have a new friend where this type of behaviour is being normalised?

The car is also a good place to talk. No eye contact so chat is less personalised.

MissMisa · 30/12/2010 22:55

I don't think it's something to be extremely worried about. Everyone goes through this stage, particularly when their hormones change, it's a stressful and confusing time for them.

She'll overcome it. I was a bitch when I was 13 too. She'll shortly get bored of testing boundaries~

CottageFrog · 30/12/2010 23:00

I think this is normal. At the end of year 8, the head of year for the middle school said that over the summer our lovely children would turn into hormonal monsters. She wasn't wrong! Mine is an ungrateful witch, who always wants more. She will come out the other side, eventually!

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