my daughter does'nt talk to me anymore

[IsItMe1957]

Hello, Im new at this so plse be patient, my 16yr old daughter, who in the past has suffered from anorexia, bulimia and has self harmed, but is now ok, has just started college and has got a bf of 5 months whom she adores, and on the surface everything seems fine, but she does,nt talk to me about anything, i mean nothing, she just seems to come down from her room for food and then disapears bak up there, she spends hours chatting on msn messenger to friend and her bf, but does not seem to want or need any contact with her family, i feel very hurt by this as i have gone to hell and back with her, and supported her all the way, and got her through some really tough times, and now when everything seems ok for her she seems to have cut me from her life and i am finding it very difficult to cope with, i've tried talking to her about it but nothing changes, if anything it has got worse because she now thinks i'm being clingy and unreasonable. Can anyone advise me on the best way to deal with this, and is it just a phase she's going through or will we never be close again. i feel like i've lost her.

Its just a phase, and as long as you keep offering a shoulder if she needs it and still give lots of cuddles and affection she will be fine im sure. Try not to put too much emotional pressure on her - teenagers by nature are selfish and wont understand and i think ultimately it will just end up making you feel even worse IYSWIM.

It might take time but be patient with her - she has had a lot to deal with from what you say.

You have not lost her, she will come back, just be patient and give her the space/privacy she needs at the moment. I'm sure that if she doesn't feel the need to "defend" her space (however sacred is her "space") she will be back sharing more to you soon.

BTW I have no experience as a mother of a teenager but I still remember well the problems I had with my mum at that age, so please see my comments from that perspective BEst of luck

Isitme IMO, as long as she is in control of her eating disorders it is a phase she is going through,
my dd's have done this at one time or another, they think they are older and wiser than their years and think they can do things on their own, they regard us as old farts who just nag in my experience.I also find they go very secretive as they are up to things they think or even may think we will frown upon.Just keep reinforcing that you are there for a natter if needed.
she will soon be back asking for advice when she wants to
coz she knows deep down
that you care
and are there for her.

Wow thanks for responding so quickly, its good to get others opinions and advice and i hope you are right and that it is just a phase, and that she will come back soon cos i miss her. And yes doormat you are absolutely right she dose think i'm a nagging old fart, but because of her history i find it really hard to leave her to get on with things, I worry constantly, is she happy, is she depressed, is she eating ok, has anything upset her today. I know the problem is me but i dont know how to leave her to learn by her own mistakes, i feel this overwhelming need to protect her from any harm all the time, by the way I have a 14yr old son and i dont have any of these anxieties with him.

please dont worry. I was the worst teenager, its a wonder my mum is still alive. I would be out drinking all weekend, do drugs, random men, hated my parents.
Now me and my mum are like best friends, we go away for weekends together, phone each other every day, send each other little gifts.
It will be ok, and it is just a phase, just be there for her and eventually she will appreciate it

HI,

Sorry to hear of the situation you are in.

I can sympathize on both sides as I had very tramtic times when I was younger and in turn have dealt with younger people with these problems and as I have been through it myself I am able to commuicate on a level and fully understand the reasons and the pain.

Your child has come out of this and is on the road to recovery, she now wants to prove she is ok and can do it by herself and be indepentdent.
Leave her be and let her come to you in her own time, she needs to make that decision herself. The best support you can be is to let her know on a few occasions that you are always there for her and that you love her.
Even though she coops herself in her room alot, this is her safe haven and fells secure in this enviornment.

Try not to moddy coddle her let her choose the times she comes and speaks with you.

Hope this helps

CW

Like everyone else says, you haven't lost her, she will come back in time. My sister was like this (and my dh went I first met him - we were teenagers) and my sister has a VERY close relationship with my mum now. Dh not so close but much better than it was - think that may be a man thing so wouldn't apply to your dd.

Good luck, can't be easy on you.

Also wanted to say that at the moment she seems to want to prove herself, which is all natural. But it must be hard for you because you because after all you have both been through you probably feel like you are not "needed" anymore.

She will always need you for something even when she is married with kids etc but as you get older your needs change. If she is being like you describe you have obviously done a good job IMO!

Thanks for all the advice, so basically leave her alone, be there when SHE wants me to be there, let her know i love her, and wait for her to come back. I can live with that, what i am afraid of though is if things start to go wrong for her ie., with her boyfriend, who by the way she has made the centre of her universe, that she will not be able to cope and that all the progress she has made will fly out the window, i dont want her to slip back, but having said that, I dont suppose I can save her from every hurt she will experience in her life as that is what moulds us into who we are, all the good and the bad times. But even so I dont think I could cope with it all again and maybe thats what this is really about.