Am I the only one with a horrible 13yr old ???

[TheOriginalNutcracker]

I don't know what to do with her.

She is 13 going on 30 and her attitude is awful.

I am not sure if it is me making her worse, and if it is then I don't know what it is that I am doing and if it isn't me then wtf do i do ??

my 14 yr old is delightful. nice, sweet, good, helpful, works hard, just lovely.

my 12 yr old however, is somewhat challenging.

No.

Well I've just caved in and read'How To Talk...' and it's been a lightbulb moment for sure

What are the main issues?

Hmm main issues are...

She talks to me and my mum like shit

She spoils family occasions

She thinks the world owes her a nice cushy life

Tonights drama is as follows.

I have to work Mon-Thurs this week and as dd isn't entirly trustworthy, I arranged for her to stay at my mums til wednesday, and for dd2 and ds to stay at their dads. Dd1 won't stay at her dads. She had a falling out with him a while ago.

Dd1 regularly stays with my mum, through choice and loves it. My mum lives on the doorstep of one of dd1's best mates, so a win win situation all round, or so I thought.

My mum comes to fetch her and dd comes down in crop top and skimpy jacket and on change of clothes. After a mild standoff she went and got extra clothes and off they went. There are no buses tonight and a 1 1/2 hour wait for a taxi, so they wee walking the mile to my mums.
Half way there my mum asks dd to help carry a bag and dd refuses and launches into a vile rant at my mum and then rings her dad asking him to collect her. My mum speaks to ex and tells him not to fetch her it was fine. Dd then continues to rant at my mum in the street.

My mum has rang me upset and dd is apprently in the bathroom talking to her friend on the phone.

All of this is for no reason apparently. It always happens like this.

Sounds like a nightmare

Hope someone comes along soon with some good advice (I haven't got teens)

But, seriously, the How To Talk book is brilliant (not just for little DC either). And I think there's one aimed at teens

Thank's NotNow, will look it up.

I was sceptical

But today it got me through a Christmas Shopping expedition through a heaving snow-laden city centre with my 7 and 4yr olds and baby in a buggy. On foot (no buses)

''Am I the only one with a horrible 13yr old ???''

Uh NO !

Ignore Ignore Ignore! I ignore the crap that comes out of my DS's mouth most of the time and chat nicely with him when he is civil.

If I engaged him in the crap, we'd be arguing till the cows come home. As long as I know I've been fair, I've won in my mind.

this website is good, have a look.

this book is good too. It helped me. good luck

Thank's, I do largely ignore her, as, like you said, arguing gets me nowhere and just wears me out.

She is still at my mums atm but my mum said she is currently slagging us all of t0 her mate on the phone, saying that we have all been calling her names, which is untrue.

Will have a look at the site

As a 13 year old DD was just about bearable, but as a 14 year old she is a major PITA.
I have come to the conclusion that I don't like her at the moment.
I also have a 21 year old, so I know this is a stage of her life that she will pass through and come out the other side. But, in the meantime, she is driving me and DH round the bend.

My 14 year old is generally lovely, 11 year old a little more challenging

The trick is to ignore, as Limara says. I particularly ignore unsuitable clothing, so I have to say, I wouldn't have put your DD in a bad mood by arguing over the crop top in the first place. If DD1 wants to go out in the freezing cold with unsuitable clothing then that's her problem. I'm not the one having to walk around with skimpy shorts and no coat (but a scarf)

Likewise, ignore slagging off to mates. I think my 14 year old is lovely, but she does slag me off on facebook, I notice (so maybe she's as horrible as any other teen!). I completely ignore this. It means nothing.

I keep the lines of communication open when the girls are civil and mostly ignore them when they aren't. If they overstep the line (by hitting each other or swearing) I just say in a very calm, cold voice, "You know that is unacceptable behaviour and I won't tolerate that again." It seems to work - probably because they know what side their bread is buttered on. They get treated to stuff - lots of dance and skating lessons which they love and a monthly allowance. I try to be as reasonable as possible when they want to do things with friends. I don't say no for the sake of it, only when I have genuine worries about their safety. They know this and so I think they generally try to keep in with me!

I do see lots of people with teens getting into what I think are pointless arguments that have more to do with control than anything else (tidy rooms, clothes, make up, homework, eye rolling, grunting, general attitude). Let them get on with those things and take the consequences for themselves outside the home. This will reduce the household arguments by masses - and they will know when you do get cross, it's for a really good reason.

I have an awful 12 year old. I was in tears last night because I had just had enough. He tells us to shut up and move out of his way, won't lift a finger to do anything, argues with his sister etc...all the arguments are petty but just grind you down, I am exhausted with it and feel like shoving all his christmas presents in the bin. I will have a look at the website and books recommended here as I don't get a lot of help from hubby he just cannot seem to discipline him. Thank goodness my daughter who is 14 is lovely.

No.

Parentplus website helped me alot I did a telephone parenting course months ago when I was going through a difficult time with my ds who is now 13. I though i knew alot about kids but was surprised to learn that teens can be alot differant and are going through changes that make things difficult for them. So it maybe that this is the same for your dd. You have to look to see if there isnt a need of hers that isnt being met.
Agree bounderies when things are ok, and make her stick to them. It is hard work and takes alot to keep on top of it i know. But is worth it for some sanity.
I learnt to ask for things in such a way that you dont have to raise your voice but just keep repeating yourself until you get carried out what you asked in a calm manner.
hope this helps

My DSS was a bit hard work at 13, mostly to his Mum, he's 17 now and is no longer quite so grumpy and uncommunicative. I think its a phase that is related to physical/emotional change - the advice to pick your battles is good, be consistent. They do come through the other end - eventually.

I have done a parenting course before, and to be totally honest, I found it to be rubbish, but I know all courses are different.

Dd is still being a challenge but oddly more with my mum than me which is very strange as she has always been so close to my mum.

On the one hand I am trying to not be to hard on her because of hormones and she currently has a medical issue that we are trying to get investigated, but I cannot let some of the stuff she says/does go.

I have an 11yr old dd2 aswell, I think I just need a regular supply of wine for the next few years lol.

I'm just (she says, clutching a large wine glass with crossed fingers) coming out the other side with my DS1

He's 17 now....

I have 4 teens , 18, 17, 16 and 13 (tho he has special needs so is more like a sweet 5 year old) My DS1 became pretty challenging from about 12 and over the last few years has put us thro hell.

Vile, rude, mostly uncommunicative, terrifying rages (holes thro doors etc) lying, stealing from us,..you name it. DH made it worse by getting on DS1's back over every little thing. I went on a parenting course (even tho I work with severely challenging teens with autism) and found it helpful because it reminded me ..
NOT to sweat the small stuff. Pick my battles. Ignore the words.

We decided that instead of DH and myself dealing with every issue, it would be just me. That way we weren't either ganging up on DS not were we arguing with eachother! It really helped!

This year, finally DS1 is becoming human again.. slowly. I swear I can SEE the hormones settling. No he's not perfect, but he is 100x better than he was.

Hang in there.. it does pass!!