Ds first break up, what to say?

[Giyan]

Hi all it's my First time post here so here goes;

ds (19) broke up with his girlfriend (19) about a week ago of 2 years, she is a lovely girl and very different to ds but he is a bit besotted by her, it's his and her first proper relationship and as my eldest I've not really experienced how to comfort him or what to say as I've never myself been in the same position (married at 21).

The main problem is that it was not a mutual decision at all and he is still very much in love with her. I've told him that, whilst very painful at the moment, there are other "fish in the sea" so to speak along with various other clichés but he seems incredibly withdrawn all the time and very different to normal.

She is, by all accounts, very good at dealing with things and seems to have taken it in stride whilst he feels as if he is somehow totally failed at keeping her happy, I think he knows it wont be as bad as this forever and that its just come at a terrible time of year but at the moment I think he just doesn't see himself doing any better any time soon so I'm just wondering, is there any magical piece of advice to make him feel better? we're perhaps not the closest family ever and I know he feels its hard to tell me things, admittedly I am at a loss as to what to say to him about personal matters a lot of the time also. I should also add that completely ignoring her is not really an option as they both want to be friends and are in very similar friendship groups and it would be a real shame if they couldn't somehow get back to being on good terms with one another.

Obviously it's not the end of the world but there are perhaps posters on mums net who have children that have gone through "first love break-ups" before and might give some good advice as to what helps.

thanks in advance

Encourage him to go out with his friends and not hide away ,just be there if he needs to talk ,no magic advice sorry

Oh it's awful isn't it?
I went thro this over a year ago with my DS1..also a 2 year relationship and he was devastated.. literally a sobbing wreck. It was hideous:(

All you can do is be there.. and perhaps nurture him a bit.. like a sick child.. comfort food, a hug when he'll let you!

I was very careful not to say anything negative about my DS's ex (also she was a nice girl!) just said that these things happen and that while it hurt now it wouldn't forever..

hang in there! I hated seeing my son hurting so badly and not being able to fix it:( But he did get over it in the end...:)

You just want to take away the hurt like when they were little.
No advice but interested to hear others.
I have a DS who has been with his first GF for over a year now and I dread The Break Up. He is 15 next week so very young to be so serious.
His only other experience with a girl was a 2 day holiday romance after which he sobbed for weeks.

Aaw your poor ds, I agree with the advice of just being there for him and encouraging him to meet up with his friends. It's easy to wallow when you are in on your own but if he gets out with friends it will take his mind off of it hopefully.

I remember when I was a teen breaking up with my first bf who I knew my mum didn't like. She didn't voice this or slag him off, she was just quietly there for me and looking back that was just what I needed.

Sorry, no practical advice here, except to say that I remember my first break-ups and they were agonisingly painful so whatever you do please do not let anyone belittle what he is going through - the brusque 'you'll get over' it approach I've heard on occasion was worse than useless.

Just give him lots of hugs (when you can) and keep telling him how much you love him.

What a sad time of year for this to happen - although I know there's never a good time.

My 17 year old DD2 is currently going through this - broke up with her first real love on their first 'anniversary' in November. I have never experienced the pain and heartbreak this caused - it has been horrific, and 8 weeks later she is still depressed, wont go out, wont get on with college work etc. I just wanted to say that I agree with snowball not to let anyone belittle what he is going through. So many of my friends and family just brushed it off as 'well thats part of growing up' and 'teenagers are always breaking up - its no big deal'. I even had this attitude from the college tutor when I tried to explain why her work was suffering!

I don't know if I am doing it right but I am dealing with it by just being there for her - even if I have to rearrange my normal schedule I try not to leave her alone in the house if at all possible, asking her to come with me places and sometimes just sitting together on the sofa watching tv. If she wants to discuss it I try not to give too much of an opinion unless asked, and not to rubbish him - she still wants him back, even though I'm pretty sure thats not on the cards.

It might be a bit different for girls than boys but I think the advice you've been given to give lots of hugs and tell him you love him is great, and just to be there for him.

Telling him there is plenty more fish in the sea is just wrong on so many levels. It belittles what he felt/feels for her if someone else can suddenly mean the world to him. He doesn't want any other fish. He wants her.

Poor lad :( I think it is a big deal, especially with such a long relationship (for a teenager). I'd stay away from the plenty more fish thing because he probably doesn't want anyone else at the moment, and TBH a bit of space from girls is probably a good idea.

I would want to say something to help with his feeling that he did something wrong - because it's likely that the relationship just came to a natural end, people do grow apart, especially at this age, and it sounds like he did something right if it lasted so long. And it was most likely to do with her own personal reasons rather than anything he did or didn't do "right". You could try saying to him that he loves her, he wants her to be happy, and sometimes we have to love people by letting them go.

YY to encouraging him to go out with friends etc as well. Possibly suggest as well that he and his ex avoid each other for a little while - 3 months or so? just to get some space. I always found it too hard to be friends with my recent exes, but if we lost touch and met up later, it was fine.

But overall just give him time, let him know he's welcome to talk to you, or his dad(?) or another close male relative perhaps.

Ah Giyan, you haven't been back - how's it going?

I just found this thread and wanted to comment on the quality advice here. It looks like you're doing pretty much everything right and being a wonderful parent. Hope he's feeling a bit better.

Hi all, yes I've been a bit inactive as of late due to a pretty hectic schedule, seems like everyone is of the same opinion and it's just going to be hard initially then get easier, he seems a lot better now, keeping himself busy and seeing friends etc, wonderful advice everyone very much appreciated :)