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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD 17 hurt

56 replies

goldtinsel · 12/12/2010 09:27

She came home with facial injuries because her BF got drunk and angry. She says these things happen with boys and is waiting for him to wake up so she can tell him everything is OK.

WTF can make her see sense???

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 12/12/2010 10:00

'If this were the other way around would it be different? Thinking of my own DS in a volatile relationship atm...'

It shouldn't be, an abusive relationship is toxic and needs sorting whether it's male/female or same sex.
shongololo's links were not gender-specific, and it looked like a site designed to help teens.

Goblinchild · 12/12/2010 10:02

I understand the sentiments of those wanting to send round some alpha males to dish out a beating to the boyfriend, but that won't help goldtinsel's DD develop an understanding that violence is wrong, even when it is in the context of 'I did it because I love you'

gingeroots · 12/12/2010 10:07

At least take photos - looking at them later may shock her out of her denial and will provide a record if it happens again .
I'm sure it must be a classic reaction for her to be thinking " it's all my fault /must reassure him ".

Meglet · 12/12/2010 10:15

I wouldn't give her a choice. I'd be on the phone to the police.

Don't let the boy get away with it, he'll do it to her again (possibly worse) or he'll do it to another girl.

Either way, you are the adult and are in a position to protect your daughter and have the law deal with the boy.

Original poster
goldtinsel · 12/12/2010 10:19

She won't let me take photos and has left because I picked up the phone to call the police. Going to look for her.

OP posts:
franke · 12/12/2010 10:22

Phone them anyway and tell them all this. As others have said, you don't need her permission.

ohforfoxsake · 12/12/2010 11:00

My SIL, who works with a lot of DV cases, told me that it takes an average of 49 attacks before a woman will call the police.

That is a shocking statistic.

I hope you find her and she sees the reality of her situation.

thebrownstuff · 12/12/2010 12:07

OP I hope you've found your DD. Phoning the police is what you must do. DOn't waver. And don't wait until it's too late for your DD, not just with this BF but for the future.

You must send her (and BF) a strong message that this is NOT on. SHe may be angry with you, but in the long run she'll understand if you keep on sending the same message.

Violence by anyone, in any way, shape or form is totally unacceptable.

Where on earth does she get the idea that this is ok????

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2010 13:02

agree with the previous poster who said that by doing nothing you are basically telling her this IS ok.

it isn't. you need to ring the boys mum and you need to ring the police. do it NOW. otherwise you are complicit in this man beating your daughter.

sarah293 · 12/12/2010 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
goldtinsel · 12/12/2010 15:48

She won't tell them anything.

His mum says 'it'll all blow over'

I have no idea how we got here, it's horrible.

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 12/12/2010 15:58

I'm so sorry Goldtinsel, it falls to you to take action.

At least take some advice.

But I agree, by doing nothing you may give the message that it is OK.

And yes, it will blow over. Until the next time. And the time after that ....

Ask her, at the very least, to read some of the awful stories on threads on here about women who, like her, have suffered at the hands of their partners.

ArentFanny · 12/12/2010 16:45

Just been out for lunch, one of the guests was a policeman, he said phone, they will take it seriously, better he was picked up now than later down the line. If you know an address he will be picked up.

Please don't start a cycle that DV is acceptable, and please don't facilitate it.

thisisyesterday · 12/12/2010 16:48

so have you called them Goldtinsel? or are you using "she won't tell them anything" as an excuse not to?

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 12/12/2010 16:54

Oh my word Shock

Why on earth have you not phoned the police yet, more to the point? By not reporting this you are condoning it. When she grows up and sees sense she'll thank you for reporting it - she will not think you did the right thing by not.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 12/12/2010 16:59

I have a 17 year old dd.

You should call the police and report an assault; at the very least they will speak with him and it will be made clear that this is unacceptable behaviour. You don't need her permission.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 12/12/2010 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
goldtinsel · 12/12/2010 22:14

I did call them and they went to see her but she wouldn't tell them anything. She's not here, she's with him. I've told his mother who dismissed it. It's bad enough without you having a go at me.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/12/2010 22:19
Sad
SantaAteMyHamster · 12/12/2010 22:21

GoldTinsel - did the police tell you that you can press charges? I sat on a case (I am a JP) where the mother pressed charges against her daughter's boyfriend (although she was present when the assault happened). I don't know the outcome unfortunately as a problem with a witness meant the case had to be adjourned. In that case, the daughter would not press charges. Even if the police just cautioned him it would show up on his record if he was prosecuted for a different assault at another point in time (highly likely he will I expect).

Alouiseg · 12/12/2010 22:22

Of course we're "having a go" !

Your daughter is a vulnerable child who has been assaulted by her "boyfriend". You must tell the police everything you know, the boy must be stopped and your daughter needs some help. She needs to realise that men never hit women, it is illegal, it is assault.

The boys mother is also covering up a crime, come to think of it so are you.

Original poster
goldtinsel · 12/12/2010 22:29

I only know what she told me and now she is denying it to the police even though she has visible injuries. I have told them what she told me.

OP posts:
SantaAteMyHamster · 12/12/2010 22:32

goldtinsel - so what exactly did the police say to you that you could do?

Original poster
goldtinsel · 12/12/2010 22:38

they log the info and use it if and when the next thing happens. They have the address listed to response quickly if needed. I have no rights to know anything about what she tells them.

OP posts:
KangarooCaught · 12/12/2010 22:39

Good for you Goldtinsel, it shows that you at least are taking this v v seriously and will not stand by and have your dd hurt. DD might not at the moment thank you, but she does know that her mother has backbone and won't put up with any nonsense from this scrote.