Help! I have a teenager

[JammyCow]

Ds12 has started puberty. At first I thought it was due to moving to a new school (he has just started Y7) but I realise now that all the moodiness and rebellion are part of the teenager stage. We had our first massive showdown last week which was horrible, aggressive and explosive. I realise with hindsight that my DH and I handled the whole thing very badly which made it even worse.

DS is a very bright boy and despite a few complaints from school due to work/behaviour issues, he is really enjoying his new school and the mixed sex environment in particular! At at home we are starting to have battles over everything from wearing a winter coat (he wants to wear a tshirt in sub zero weather!) to doing schoolwork to the required standard. Some days it seems like everything is a battle (particulary access to the computer, his mobile, ps3 access, bedtimes etc) and I can see our relationship quickly eroding. I am having to nag him over homework but he seems determined to do as little as possible despite knowing that his new school (highly selective independent) will not tolerate it.

I want to make some changes now to help us through the coming years and ensure that we do not make mistakes that may have long term consequences. Already he told me he hates his family and can't wait to leave - which breaks my heart. Last week he posted an item on Facebook which had me in tears for days because he clearly believes he has the worst parents in the world. He doesn't have a great relationship with his dad (my DH) as DH doesn't have the patience I do and finds his attitude and treatment of his sibling unacceptable. Would family counselling help us? I am going to buy the Anthony Wolf book "Get out of my Life;But first take me and Alex into Town" but I would really appreciate any advice from those who have been through this phase. Already, I find I am dreading what lies ahead of us.

I have a 16 year old and have been where you are (and occasionally, still am). My advice is simple:

1. If he doesn't do homework, after you've provided a quiet place, a desk, the stationery supplies and the time, then fine. Let the school deal with him. Once he's had some lunchtime detentions for not doing his homework, he'll shape up.

1. This is in capitals so you don't forget it DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. So if his room's a mess, he spends too much time on his xbox and he doesn't shower,leave him to it. If he's aggressive, abusive, or otherwise way over the top, pull him up on it hard. If he's eyerolling, slamming doors, ignore it.

Would agree all of the above. I have two are are now no logner teenagers (well second one has a month to go) and I spent years nagging about things like homework and tidy rooms. Once I have up on that things did improve. Very important to choose your battles and not make them feel like you are trying to control them.

Boys and homework (and certainly coursework) just don't seem to mix!! Let the school handle this one

He was probably just ranting on facebook because he feels it s a place to let off setam. Teenagers are prone to great angst and exaggeration!!. At least he made you his "friend"!!!

I agree with the others - you have to pick your battles, there has to be an element of turning a blind eye. And he has to learn to make his own mistakes - if he gets into trouble re the homework, that's his problem and he won't learn if you're effectively digging him out of the hole he's dug for himself. Just try not to be the enemy too much - if you can keep talking, that counts for a lot. He doesn't think you're the worst parents; he's frustrated with life and himself and he's taking it out on you. You'll need to get used to being an emotional punching bag.

You have all my sympathies and I remember the desperation well; you feel like you're losing your baby boy. I went through it with my older two and am just starting it again with my 12 year old - I can see him changing and it's beyond my control. It's not nice at all.

I had some hideous years with the older ones - they're both early twenties now - but by 17/18ish they'd sorted themselves out. You do get that lovely child back again eventually.

I agree with everything said so far.

Also, try and keep communication open between you and find something that he can get enthusiastic about, and he can discuss with you. For example, we have given DS the "job" of searching online for a holiday villa for next years holiday. He has really embraced this and has got really excited about the search. (obviously he was told how much we would spend and the area we would consider.) This has meant that we have had some really nice conversations and no grunting!!

I have encouraged DCs to bring their friends around to our home, rather than not know who they are hanging around with. Give them space, if you can.

Please dont worry too much about the facebook thing. Teenagers say things that are hurtful, but they dont really mean them. I remember being a teenager and screaming at my mum that I hated her! Of course I didnt and never have done. I always remember that when our DCs have done similar.

On more thing that i try to do, is to always start the day with a clean slate. If you have argued the evening before, no matter how hard it is, I try a cheery "good morning" and have a new start.

For me, grounding as a punishment has never worked because they end up driving me crazy lolling around the house in a bad mood, so agree any punishments. I also dont think its a good idea to have punishments going on for weeks after any bad behaviour. Yes, they need to understand how their behaviour affects others and take the consequences of not doing as they should, just like toddlers, but I have found that a calm chat after any explosive temper display and a discussion about how to change things for next time is far better.

Be prepared to listen and compromise! Its a bit like dealing with my DH at times!! I might want the teenagers to do something, I have got quite good at getting them to think that it was their idea in the first place, then they are far more likely to complete whatever I wanted them to do!

Sorry, lots of waffle, but this is just another phase. Remember how you thought those sleepless nights would never end, well its just like that. One day your lovely, mature, caring, grinning DS will walk through the door again.

THank you all for your replies and advice. I realise that I will have to pick my battles as otherwise we could end up fighting over everything. I think this will be as much a learning experience for me as him. Grey hairs here we come!

Hi my son spent most of his teeenage years grunting at me rather than speaking. Some how at 22 he is now articulate, has a good degree etc etc not sure what you do - just a very difficult time!

Another vote for picking your battles wisely.

Oh and I have tried very hard to give independence along with the responsibility. So DD gets a clothing allowance each month and I have no say in what she buys. At the same time if she's skint after week 1 and can't afford that gorgeous top which all her mates have and she absolutely must have or be a social outcast then that's her own tough luck.

I still often get the grunting phase but occasionally she breaks out into a full blown conversation which is lovely.

And I try hard not to take it personally when she says she seems embarrassed by the fact I exist and her friends might see us together.